My years of Discovery
By Dave Spowart
Edited by Jerry M
Edited by Jerry M
Why is he trying to guilt trip me? Why has he waited until now to declare this? It's Danny all over again. He doesn't love me, he needs companionship; and he thinks he can get it from me without being called fag from his so called contemporaries. "No Way. Not this way again, not ever!" I said to myself. I lay down and tried to go back to sleep.
I woke at around 8am. My first lecture was at 9am; so I took a quick shower, and left for a coffee. I walked across the courtyard and walked off campus. Starbucks was busy as usual; I purchased my beverage and went to look for somewhere to drink it,
I sat on the wall just outside campus. My cell was vibrating inside my pocket, and I thought to myself, "Please Chad, just leave it". I flipped open my phone and saw it was my sister calling. "Hey Sis, what's up?" I asked. "Just checking to see if everything was okay" she replied. "Peachy" I replied, not in the mood to play happy siblings 1-O-1. "Oh, what's happened?" she enquired. I stayed silent for a few seconds "You were right" I responded. I whispered, as some students wandered past as I was talking.
"About what?" she asked. "Oh, me and closet cases" I replied. "Oh, sorry Brian; you okay, sweetie?" she asked, with genuine concern. "I will be; just need to stop being attracted to them, that's all" I replied. "So Chad is a no go then?" she asked. "He told me he loves me" I responded. "So what's the problem?" she asked. "He treated me like shit because a class mate came into the shop and saw him" I replied.
"Oh, so, gay in private; macho asshole in public" she replied. "Yeah, something like that" I replied.
"Look sis, I will ring later, okay? I am due in class soon, so have to cut and run" I informed her, and we said our goodbyes and ended the call, and I still know my sister is awesome.
I walked toward the building that housed the hall for my lecture. I spotted Chad talking to a couple of his buddies. He had practice this afternoon, as did I; my bag was still in my room, and he was carrying his.
I walked up the steps and into the building. I met up with Krista, the girl that usually sat next to me; but she was a gossip. She told me that Chad's friend that he had been staying with got busted by campus security after a drugs tip off. "Who tipped them off" I asked. "His girlfriend was pissed at him for something and told a pal; and that pal told her roommate, and she has a big hang-up about drugs. So, he was approached, and they found some pot and some E" she continued, not stopping for breath.
"So, he's been kicked out?" I asked. "Yeah. He lives off campus; but yeah, he's lost his place" she replied. "Shit, it's not even 9am yet" I replied. "Okay, I am assuming he's being kicked out; you know the zero tolerance policy this place has on drugs" she added, taking her seat next to me.
"Your former roommate was staying with him, wasn't he?" she asked, fishing for a scoop on the latest gossip. "He was; don't know about now" I replied. "Serves him right; should have stayed put" she responded. "Stable door and all that, Krista" I replied, as the professor walked into the lecture hall.
I managed to get through the lecture, even managed to write some of the things down. Whether I will be able to make heads or tails of it later on is quite another matter; the thoughts of Chad running through my head were a major distraction.
I walked out of my lecture, said goodbye to Krista, and headed to get a bite to eat. My next class wasn't until 1pm, so, time I had. I walked across the courtyard and saw Chad sitting beside a tree reading a book, kit bag still in hand. I didn't stop to talk; distance was needed, and some time. Okay, I have major feelings for him, but I deserve more than being someone's dirty little secret.
I decided to head to Denny's for a burger. Yeah, health kick can wait until next week. Carbs were needed, and besides, I had yet to succumb to the freshman spread.
I sat and devoured my meal. A text came over my cell, Talk to me a message from Chad. I didn't respond. Perhaps eventually, he will see that this is best for both of us. I finished and headed back to campus. A session in the library before the next class would help me concentrate.
I sat in the corner with the needed reference books. I began to read the information I needed. I re-read my notes from the morning lecture, and somehow managed to make sense of it. The library was quiet, so it was easy to concentrate.
Please Brian, just let me talk to you a second message came.
I replied this time. "I am not talking to you, so back off".
I didn't receive a reply, and I was sad that he didn't try. What the fuck is wrong with me? I don't want him pestering me; and when he doesn't, it pisses me off. Fuck, I have it bad; wrong guy! Wrong guy! I said to myself but never convinced saying it.
The second lecture went okay. I took in what was being explained to the class. I even managed to enjoy it. The participation section of the day had me intrigued. I studied English Lit in high school; but here, they get you to act it out. Surprisingly, I loved that part. Drama perhaps, for a course in the future, may be considered.
I went back to my room to pick up my kit bag and headed off to practice. I changed in the gym and headed out to the field. I spoke with the coach and he explained that he wanted me to practice at second base. I had planned on trying out for shortstop; but I would play were I was told to. The distraction of Chad was placed at the back of my mind. We ran some set plays, and the coach was pleased with what he was seeing.
I sat out the next two plays and watched Chad run his drills. He kept looking over at me and I pretended to neither care nor notice. An hour later, the session was over. I collected my stuff and headed back to use the dorm showers. I was back sitting at my computer screen, working on the few assignments that had been given.
You looked good today came a text. Fuck Chad, just leave me alone; I need to get over you. I will change, I just need time came the second text. I decided to text back. "When you grow a pair and be you; not the you you're pretending to be: You!"
I didn't get a reply.
I woke to the light knocking on my door. "Brian, please...I just need a place to crash" Chad whispered through the door. I got out of bed and opened the door. "Thanks'" he said as he walked in, carrying his kit bag.
"No talking Chad, there's the bed" I said, and climbed back into my bed. I pulled the cover over my head and went back to sleep, or tried at least. "Sorry about this shit" he said some twenty minutes later. I sat up switched on the side light.
"What?" I asked, sounding pissed.
"Gary. He got busted, and well, he has permanently kicked me out. Before, he just needed space with the bitch from 90210" he informed me. "He thinks I ratted him out to security" he added. I stayed silent. I knew it was her; I learned that little piece of information from Krista.
"So, I am convenient, is that it?" I finally responded.
"Brian, please, I know I have been a world class dick; but I am scared. I don't know how to deal with this. I just thought I would get through college, then deal...you know" he said, looking over at me. "So, what?...hide for 4 years, is that it? Well I am sorry to disappoint you, but I am not ashamed of what I am, or who I am, so no, I won't hide, Chad" I spat out; switched off the light, and lay back down to sleep. This conversation was over...for tonight, at least.
"Go to sleep Chad" I replied, making sure it was said in a tone that conveyed the end of the conversation.
"Okay, good night Brian" he replied.
I woke to the sound of my alarm clock. I looked over to the other bed, it was empty. I checked the bathroom, it had not been used. I began to dress when the door opened. Chad walked in with take out from Starbucks. "Thanks" I responded. "Least I could do" he replied.
"So the plan you have in your head is to go through college, then face life. Am I correct in that statement?" I said, and he nodded. "And does that include your folks?" I asked, sipping the coffee. Perfect for this time of day. I watched, waiting for his response to my question.
"Well? Are you going to tell them? Or just keep the fact that you like fucking men to yourself" I added. "They already know" he replied.
"Sorry, what? They know? So why this charade" I said, now getting irate. "That's why I have kept it to myself. They kicked me out; or my dad did, anyway" he replied, looking hurt. "Well then, how are you in college? Who's paying for it?" I asked. "My grandparents set up a trust to pay my tuition" he responded.
"So, when did you tell them?" I asked. "High school, junior year" he replied. "Where have you been living, with your Grandparents?" I asked.
"No. Grandpa died when I was young, and Grandma is in a facility for Alzheimer's" he added, and I began to see Chad in a whole new light. "My Aunt Laura took me in; my Mothers sister" he added. "Brian, I have kept this quiet coz I have been abandoned by so many in my life. My Mother tries to see me, but she will not defy my dad" he added.
"Chad, look, I won't live my life as a lie. When you come around, you know where to find me; but for now, you need to go to admissions and get your accommodation sorted out" I informed him. "I mean, you don't want to be seen with an openly gay man do you?" I spat out, with the venom that was attached.
"I would have stood by you, no matter what" I added, before walking out of my room, heading for my first class of the day. He soon caught up to me. "You mean that, don't you?" he asked. "Totally, but you are too chicken shit to even try" I responded, walking into the courtyard of the main campus.
"I do love you, Brian" he said softly, so nobody could hear his words. "And I could easily love you, if you would just be honest; but you are not ready, so I will just pass on the dirty little secret shit" I again spat out. I began to walk a little faster. I was about to enter the building when I received the shock of all shocks. About 200 students saw what happened. I, myself, was the deer caught in the headlights.
Chad caught up to me, grabbed my arm, spun me around, put one hand behind my head, and the other on the side of my cheek. "I meant what I said; I do love you, and I want you in my life, Brian" he said loud enough for the people walking by to hear.
"Chad, what are you doing, man? You do know what you are doing, right?" I asked. He smiled and pulled me into the softest kiss I had ever experienced. "I said I love you, you idiot; and yeah, my heart is about to come through my chest, but yeah, I know what I am doing" he replied. "But you said" he cut me off. "Brian, when you said you would have stood by me, that did it for me. How could I let that commitment go?" he said.
Some wolf whistles and some shouts of get a room where being yelled; but what shocked us both was the fact there was no name calling. No Faggots, no sword swallowers, no ass bandits. Just the fact we had kissed in public.
"And for the record, I have loved you since the moment you walked into the dorm" Chad added. "Also, I owe you something when we get back to the dorm; our dorm, by the way" he went on. The smile that lit up my face was there for all to see.
"Yeah, what's that?" I asked.
"I told you the other night I was going to make your ass scream" he smiled, as he pulled away. That last part was whispered into my ear. We didn't need the student body knowing all of our little secrets, now do we? But the thought of Chad making love to me, not fucking; but making love, had me hard all through my first lecture...dick wad, I smiled to myself.
To be continued...
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