Well That Was Unexpected
By David Spowart
Edited by J Matlock
By David Spowart
Edited by J Matlock
What can I say? Yeah, I have strong feelings, but the "L" word! Is that what I am feeling? My head is spinning! Cal has just said he thinks he loves me, and I am lost for words. It's just hanging there…what do I say back? Do I just say it back, when I am not sure? Or, do I be honest and hurt his feelings?
But then he said, "Josh it's just me, I know what I just said is sudden, but I said I would be honest, and I am to you and to myself. I do think I love you." He said it again! What do I say? God! Please, help me!!!
"Calumn!! Cal, I honestly don't know what to say to that. Yes, I have feelings for you, but I don't know what they are. I have nothing to compare it with. I don't know what love is. What you said…it makes me feel weird, but not in a bad way. Can you give me time to figure out what I am feeling? If it is love you will be the first to know, I promise you!"
And he kissed me softly on the lips and said, "Josh, I have never, and I mean never, felt like this for anyone, and that shocks me. We have only known each other for a few weeks, so yes, I will wait, I will wait for as long as you need." And he kissed me again, and slowly we drifted off to sleep in each other's arms and it just felt right.
We awoke at around 7.10am, and he decided he wanted to have a morning fumble, and after last night's activities I wasn't going to deny him that opportunity.
He slid a finger inside me, and I was still quite ready and willing, as my body relaxed with the welcome intrusion. He slid a condom on and lubed it up, moving over me. I just spread my legs, giving him access; he leaned into me, locking in on my lips as he entered me. A loud moan escaped my lips as he kissed me, with the motion of him sliding in and out of me slowly drove me wild.
He started making longer strokes, almost pulling out and then quickly pushing all the way into me, and again slowly withdrawing and again, with force, pushing all the way into me. He carried on doing this for several minutes, and eventually I could feel myself getting close; the only thing I was doing with my hands was holding onto my lover's back, as he was pleasuring me to the brink of orgasm. "Oh God, Cal, I'm gonna…ahhhhhhhhh ohhhh ahhhhhhh," I shot all over his and my chests, literally exploding out of my strained cock, as he also shot deep into me and we collapsed into each other. I knew at that moment, without a shadow of a doubt, I wanted Cal to be a permanent fixture in my life. Last night I had doubts, but after sleeping on this question I no longer have those doubts. And, while he was again kissing my face, I held out my hand to stroke his perfect face and his jet-black hair.
I kissed his lips and spoke lovingly to him like he deserved to be talked to, "Cal…I think I love you also." He grabbed my face and kissed me with more passion than I had ever known. I knew I loved this person with all of my heart, and for once I didn't care who knew. "Josh I do love you, and it makes me the happiest guy to know you share my feelings." He kissed me again and snuggled into me.
I was dressed eventually, and not without a struggle, and had to make promises that I would be back in the afternoon, as he wanted me to top him, and I for one am looking forward to that encounter with my boyfriend, my lover, my life!!
I got back to my dorm just as Dale was walking towards me. "Dirty. Stop, out," he whispered, and I just smiled, and that smile did not leave my face. "Come on…details," he asked. "Hang on. Scratch that," he laughed, as we entered my room, and was surprised to see Todd awake, "You coming for a run as well?" He looked at me and just shrugged, "Am I invited?" he asked. "Always, dude," Dale answered, and he got up, went to his drawer and grabbed a pair of shorts, and went to the bathroom to get changed.
"So when are you moving out?" Todd asked, and I looked shocked at the question, wondering where this came from. "Do you want me out?" I asked, really wanting to know the answer. "No, I just thought that, with 'tall, dark, and handsome' having a spare bed, you would be out of here. And besides, you have been there more than here, so I think it's a legitimate question," he replied, with a lot of words without taking a breath.
"I am getting to know my boyfriend, that's all," I replied. "BOYFRIEND!!!" they said in tandem. Oop's. I let that out of the bag, big style!!
"Yeah, boyfriend," I said, in a low voice. "W O W," Todd said. "You sure?" he said. "Yes. Most definitely," I replied, with that goofy smile returning. "He loves me; he told me last night," I started, so I may as well finish, shouldn't I? "And what about you?" Dale asked, like me, a naturally nosy person who lives for the latest gossip, except this was his best friend, and we agreed there would be no more secrets.
"Well, first off, yes, he does have a spare bed, and it will stay that way for now. I do not have any plans to move out, okay Todd? And…Yes…I think I do love him; I am sorry if that hurts you, but he makes me smile."
Todd stood up and crossed the room, standing right in front of me, not two inches from my face, and kissed my forehead. "Josh, I am happy for you. I truly am. And, if Cal keeps that smile on your face, he is okay in my book," he said, with kindness in his words, and a tear in his eye. Todd stepped away, wiping his eyes on his sleeve, and then I was approached quickly by Dale, who just wrapped his arms around me. "Are you sure he's what you want?" he said, again like Todd, with a tear in his eye. "Yes Dale, I want him in my life, in every way, and that's a hard thing for me to admit to, but yeah, I want him," and, again, the goofy smile returned.
He held me for a few moments and I could feel the affection my friends were showing me and I loved them both for it. I knew despite recent events that I could always depend on them, and hopefully that would never be in doubt again.
"Okay, about this run!" Todd snapped us back to maledom from soppysod land and we headed out to do our run.
After running for about 40 minutes we stopped by my tree for a break, and Todd spotted Candice walking along the footpath with two guys he did not recognise. As he was still bitter and couldn't help himself, he shouted, "HEY DUDES!!! IF YOU'RE LUCKY, SHE WILL SUCK YOU OFF FOR A BITE OF YOUR TOFFEE APPLE!!!!" Dale was rolling on the grass pissing himself, as obviously Todd had filled him in on Candice's night of blow jobs at the frat house.
"YEAH AND YOUR GAY FRIEND WILL SUCK YOUR DICK FOR A SNIFF OF YOUR JOCK!" was the reply, and Todd saw red. I grabbed him and calmed him down, "Dude, that was a good comeback," I told him, and he just smiled and he agreed with me. "Yeah she's quick, but still a slut," he replied. "WEAR RUBBERS! SHE AIN'T WORTH A DOSE!!!" he retorted, and we continued our run for another couple of miles with a satisfied smirk right across Todd's face, and Dale unable to contain his amusement.
"So what do you plan on doing today, Josh?" asked Todd. "Cal," I replied, with a chuckle in my words, "TOO MUCH INFORMATION DUDE!!!!!!" came the shout, and now it was my turn to piss myself laughing and my two best friends–the guys I trust with my life–joined me in my laughter, both ruffling my hair.
Back in the room we were discussing our plans for the following day. Dale was going to use our room, for what purpose only God and his priest will ever know, as Todd and I are heading back to Boston for the weekend. The conversation with my family I know need's to happen, but I am dreading it none the less, as I know there will be disappointment. I think mom will be ok, I think so anyway, but dad and Lucas, well that's my concern.
"Okay guys, see you later. I'm heading to Cal's," I informed them. "Don't wear yourself out. Remember, you only get one dick, so use it wisely," Todd said, whilst again mocking me with laughter, and I couldn't help myself, and retorted with "at least I didn't take a date to a frat party to blow half the house now did I?"
(Tumbleweeds seemed to drift by in the pause at that moment.)
And then…fits of laughter from both Todd and Dale and cushions and pillows came flying in my direction. "You shit!" Todd yelled. "See you later. Love you guys!" I shouted as I left.
Knocking on Cal's door was always a blessing, 'coz when he opened the door I always saw the vision of pure perfection. Except not this time. It was obvious he had been crying, and I wrapped my arms around him and asked what was wrong. "My dad's dead," he responded. "I know he hated me, but I still loved him, despite the way he treated me," he continued. "How? When? Is your mother okay?" I asked with concern for my boyfriend's state of mind. "That's what hurts, Josh; he died of a heart attack last week," he said with a tinge of anger. "Grandpa rang me this morning. He was only told last night, when mom called after the service. She did not want us there to taint his memory, she claimed."
"I am very sorry, Cal. I truly am," I whispered, into his ear, whilst holding him tight to my chest. "She can be so cold, you know," he said. "I mean yeah, she's proved that she hates me, but to not let his parents know their only son had died! That's just vindictive."
I looked at my boyfriend. I know he loved his dad in some way, but not being allowed to attend the service by his own flesh and blood–the woman that bore him–was too much. It made me thankful for the great relationship I have with my parents.
"Is there anything you need me to do?" I asked, still holding him, standing in his room rocking slightly from side to side. "Just this," he replied. "What do you mean?" I replied. "Just hold me like this; it feels good," he answered.
We moved over and sat on his futon; he fell into my arms, and I held him once again to my chest. I could hear him sobbing ever so slightly onto my chest. I could feel his grief. He should have been able to say his goodbyes to his father, and been there for his Mother, but she denied him that right, and I can't imagine what he is feeling regarding his grandparents at this moment.
"I have to go home for a few days," he announced, "just to see they're okay," he said. And I know he needs to do this, as his grandparents are his only family, and he feels protective of them. Getting this sort of news is certainly a hell of a shock to the system. "You going today?" I asked, thinking I already knew the answer. "I have to, I need to. I know we had plans, but Josh, I need to be there," he said, while holding onto me, not wanting to let go.
"Cal, they are your family, and, yes, you do need to make sure they are okay. I understand that, so go now and be with them," I informed him, whilst softly kissing the top of his head.
We talked for about an hour, sitting in his beat up pick up. It had me thinking of family, and the conversations I need to have. I watched him leave, as he sat in the drivers seat, mouthing I love you while looking at me, and I returned the sentiment, believing he will be okay, and wondering if not far from now, would he consider me family?
I just got into my room when my phone rang. I thought it would be Cal, but the number was not his.
"Hello," I asked
"Hey bro, it's been ages since we talked," Lucas said, and a smile returned to my once sad expression.
"Lucas, new phone?" I asked.
"Yeah, dad bought it for me so he can stalk me by text," he said, whilst slightly laughing.
"You dating yet bro? You've been there a month, you have to have hooked up by now," he exclaimed.
What can I say not to sound like a recluse at college? I will have that conversation! But, face-to-face, not over the phone.
"Well sort of, I will explain tomorrow, okay dude," I replied, hoping he would let it drop. But he is like me, a nosy little shit, so I guess I knew what was coming even before he started. I was wrong!
"Sort of, what sort of answer is that?" he asked. "Are you dating, yes, or no?" he asked again, and me not knowing quite what to tell him.
"It's complicated that's all, Lucas I will explain tomorrow okay?" hoping he would drop it for now.
Like so many before him, he shocked me with his reply, "Are you ashamed of him or something?" Those words had me panicking and my heart pounding inside my chest, and I asked, "What was that, bro, I didn't quite hear you?" and me listening, hoping at least that today I had misheard him. "I said are you ashamed of him!!" he repeated.
"How did you know?" I asked softly, waiting for an answer.
"Know about what bro?" he asked, me thinking he is trying to be a smart ass.
"You said 'him'," I replied. "Josh, you are gay, so of course it would be a him…Dumbass."
"You know I am gay?" I asked, and wondering if Todd had let it slip when he went back for his kid brother's birthday.
"Yeah, bro, I have known for a few months. Don't shit yourself over it dude," he informed me, with no menace in his words. It was just Lucas being Lucas, and I loved that about him. He spoke his mind and, as I said, I just love that about him.
"How do…" he cut me off.
"Kyle," he said. "He has a big mouth," he continued.
"Oh, shit, sorry," I said. "What for?" he asked. "You must hate me," I continued, my heart still in my throat.
"Josh, bro, you were Josh when you were here, you are josh when you are there, you will still be my Josh when you come home. I love you bro. Gay! Straight! Who gives a shit? You are still my hero! My big brother, and nothing will ever change in that regard. Okay?" he said with feeling and anger that I ever thought he would hate me.
"I love you too Lucas, always have, always will. Know that, bro," I replied with feeling.
"So, this complicated date thing. Who is he, and why complicated?" he asked me.
"It's not complicated now, as you know about me bro," I replied. "His name is Calumn, and he is actually my boyfriend, bro!" I told him, hoping he wouldn't be shocked.
"That's fucking awesome, Josh!" he yelled. "Fucking good for you," he continued.
"Thanks Lucas, I mean that," I replied, "Lucas?" I said. "Yeah, bro?" he answered.
"I am telling mom and dad tomorrow," I said.
(Silence…nothing said for about a minute.)
"Lucas," I said,
"Yeh bro, I am still here," he answered.
"You sure you are ready to do that Josh?" he asked with concern.
"I don't want to hide this anymore Lucas; I will be 20 soon, and I need to do this now," I said, hoping for some support, and I continued, "Besides, I want them to meet Cal, sooner rather than later," I said.
"Well, okay bro, I will be here when you tell them, okay?" he informed me. "What time will you get back anyway?" and I told him Todd's schedule, and the approximate time we should get back–unless traffic was bad–and agreed to text him when I was close.
"Love you bro. See you tomorrow," Lucas ended, and the phone line went silent.
A broad smile came over my face, as one of tomorrow's hurdles had already been sorted, and the relationship I had with my brother was as solid as ever. I was hoping it would be the same with mom and dad.
About four hours later I received a call from Cal letting me know he was back home and his grandparents were okay, pissed off at his mom, but happy to see him, and he was happy to see them. He told me he would be away for about a week, and that he would miss me. We agreed to call several times a day, as the sound of each other's voice soothed us both.
Todd came back shortly after that call and asked me what I was doing here. I explained the day's events regarding Cal's dad, and the call I received from Lucas. "Fucking Kyle again?" he shouted. And I continued the rest of the day's events.
We set the alarm for 8am so we could get a run in before we hit the road back to Boston and that inevitable conversation.