I chuckled. "So he's got a nice ass eh?"
"Damn straight. I wonder who he is."
I quipped, "He's a volunteer here at the hospital. And yeah definitely he's got a major case of cute about him."
Matt reached down to scratch his nuts. I couldn't help but to notice how his gown was tented out and reaching for the sky. I giggled, "You've got it bad dude."
Matt's face lit up. He said, "This is the first time I've been hard… in a long time. Excuse me."
With that, Matt walked to his bed, got in, pulled his gown up and began rapidly jacking his cock. Within minutes he exclaimed, "OH YEAHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" He sure wasn't bashful. As soon as he made his exclamation his man gland ejected two or three jets of hot molten lava with one hitting him in the face, the other on his neck then lesser ones that pooled in his absent pubes.
I snickered. I too was hard as a bean pole. I joined Matt on his bed and very quickly jacked into orgasm delight.
Just as soon as we recovered we headed into the bathroom and cleaned up. When we reentered the room Antoine was clearing away our water apparatus. He looked at us, gave out a pure-white toothy smile. He nearly dropped the carafe, but didn't. Rapidly he made his exit. As gay guys will I looked at his front side. I could have sworn that he had a very respectfully sized piece of that which designates him as male but I couldn't be sure. Matt was sure however… no doubt. He went back into the bathroom, closed the door, and… A few minutes later he exited – with a huge smile on his face.
Just as we were getting into bed, Peggy entered. She put some medicine in our IV's. When I asked her what it was she said, "Another plate full of steak and eggs designed just for you."
I snickered. Matt happily looked on. When Peggy went to Matt's beside and hung his medicine she quipped, "No steak and eggs for you. This is pure caviar."
"Yuck. I hate caviar… who wants some nasty little fish eggs anyway?"
"Only the best for you little buddy. By the way, I don't like caviar either… but hey, we have our rules…"
Just then Antoine reentered our room. He said, "Hey guys. Hi mom."
Once again, Matt and Antoine's eyes met… and they lingered… they liked what they saw in the other person. I snickered. Peggy looked at me real strange like then said, "I see you guys have met properly so I don't need to make introductions… I've got some things to take care of; I'll be back in a bit."
She then strode out of our room but then looked back to Antoine on her way out. She wasn't angry or anything… not in the least. She just looked puzzled.
I know the saying goes "From the mouths of babes" but in that moment, spontaneously I said to Antoine, "Matt likes you."
I knew I said the wrong thing as soon as the words escaped my voice box… but it was said. Antoine looked amused, he didn't fly out of the room or anything… but like his mother Peggy he got this puzzled look on his face, tried to say something but nothing came out.
Matt slapped (playfully) my bare back just above my globes (the damned gown wouldn't stay put no matter what I did – so I gave up trying to fiddle with it). He had a shocked expression his face… like "why the hell did you say that?"
Matt, doing damage control, said to Antoine, "Your accent… where are you from?"
"Brazil… I've lived in many places though. I do not know my birth place."
"You don't know where you were born? Just ask your mom. You mean she didn't tell you?" Matt said incredulously.
Antoine, I could read it in his body language, became very uncomfortable. He said, "I have chores to do. I'll check on you a little later."
With that he left our room.
"Me and my big fucking mouth." Matt lamented.
"No. Those were fair questions though they are invasive. Shit, you guys just met and don't even know each other. I suspect that Peggy's adopting him… she said that she's in an adoption process, remember? Oh wait, you were asleep."
Just then Peggy reentered the room with a person in a white starched hospital uniform. She said, "Veronica is here to take your blood for testing. She's good. I'll be back in a little while. I have some papers for you to sign… even though you are not yet adults and have no legal authority we need you to sign the forms so that we know, for sure, that you are voluntarily donating your kidney."
Matt asked, "Do I need to sign anything… I should, you know. What if a patient didn't want a kidney for instance?"
"You really are a squirt." Peggy said, giggled then strode from our room leaving us with Veronica who took enough blood to require a blood transfusion to replace what she took. (No, not really, it just seemed like it.)
I barely felt the needle go in my forearm… she was really good. She had no difficulty with Matt's used up veins.
When she left Peggy returned. She sat down on my bed and said, "Antoine seems to be a bit upset. His demeanor changed. Do you have any idea why?"
Matt spoke up, "I guess I asked him some embarrassing questions… I guess I'd have trouble answering them too."
"Like what?" Peggy inquired.
"Like where he came from… why don't you know? You're his mom, aren't you?" Matt asked, not rudely, he was just curious as was I.
She replied, "He is originally from Brazil. He has, in the past, traveled the world with his parents through their, what's the right word to use … uhm, business would probably be most appropriate. Yes, they were in business for themselves."
"So why are you adopting him? I mean, where are his parents?"
"Uhm, well, this is getting into his story. I'll just say they haven't been around for several months. He came to my attention when I was working the beaches as a nurse outreaching to homeless kids. He's a good boy who had difficulties in his life. I still don't know too much about him. He doesn't talk about his past very much. His records are quite fragmented." Peggy said motherly like.
Matt said, "I like him a lot. He's cool. I'm sorry if I upset him… that's the last thing I wanted to do."
"It's okay Matt. Sometimes I upset him by asking questions about his past. He might talk to you more since you guys are roughly the same age. Just give him time though. I know he doesn't like being rushed… you know, things about himself. He's a very giving person. But he has some problems with receiving."
Matt asked, "Does he have a lot of friends … surely he must. He's very pleasant. I bet he's definitely a girl magnet."
"No honey, he has no friends. He's starting over with his life. He stays to himself."
"That's too bad. I bet he'd make a really good friend. If I survive surgery, I'd like to get to know him a lot better."
"I bet he'd like that. He'd be a good friend for you too. What do you mean ‘If I survive surgery' … you've every chance to survive. I'm sure you'll do well. Keep a positive attitude, young man."
Spontaneously Matt asked a bombshell question, "Uhm… okay. Do you know if Antoine's gay… I mean, well, I think he likes me too. I think I've fallen in love with him."
That caught Peggy off guard. She stuttered and stammered but then said, "Whether or not he is or is not… it makes no difference to me. Whether or not Antoine is gay or not I mean. I just want him to be happy."
"Well, will you talk to him? Find out. Matt's dying to know." I chuckled. Matt glared at me for a second when I said that … try as he might otherwise his glare was then replaced by a blush, then a small smile.
"You guys talk to him about that … I'm not going to do your dirty work." Peggy playfully groused.
This time it was her turn to be stopped at the door. Antoine came up from behind her. He put his arms around his soon to be adopted mother then squeezed firmly causing Peggy to smile warmly like she was in heaven or some other very good place.
After of a couple of very awkward moments, Peggy announced she had some work to do, so she left.
Antoine left with her to do some last minute chores but he did say, "I'll be back in a little while. Maybe we can talk for a while."
Matt and I both nodded. I said, "Kewl. We'd like to get to know you better… I hope we can become friends."
"Yes, I would like that. Please excuse me."
About 30 minutes later he returned. Matt invited him to sit with him on his bed however Antoine politely declined the invitation and instead pulled up a chair where he sat down. We started talking about many different things of interest to guys our age.
Matt asked, "So do you have a girlfriend. I mean you're cool looking and everything."
Antoine readily replied, "I have no girlfriend. I hope that I can speak freely with you…"
I said, "Of course you can. None of us really have anything to hide from each other. Friends are like that you know."
That seemed to relax Antoine a lot. He said hesitantly, "I'm not interested in girls. I have no friends since I moved here. Uhm let me clarify… I'm not against girls… I'm just not interested in their sex."
Matt's eyes lit up. I looked at him and passed along a hope for him not to capitalize on what Antoine just said.
We went on to talk, mainly we listened to Antoine tell his story, the long and short of it was that his parents were international drug dealers who eventually got caught here on the island. Rather than going into the foster care system, Antoine ran then ended up on the beaches, just as I had, just as Matt had. Antoine was not in the ‘trade', he'd not ever been approached though he had neared that point of desperation, as had Matt and I.
About an hour later Peggy entered the room. She said to Antoine, "I've been roped into working a double shift. I've arranged for you to sleep in a staff room. I've got a few things left to do for the boys before their surgery in the morning. While I'm off duty for another 30 minutes I'd like to take you down and get you settled in before I have to go back to work."
Right after they left, the surprise of all surprises ‘happened': David walked in. Without saying a word I got up and met him halfway. We embraced and kissed eagerly but soon quit because we didn't want to embarrass Matt.
David said, "I get to spend the night with you. Dad insisted. Peggy, your nurse, approved so here I am."
His pronouncement tickled me to death. His clean, freshly showered smell excited something else about my anatomic conglomeration of cytoplasm. We turned away from Matt and did a quick grope to our burgeoning male counterparts. I was ready. David was ready. What to do?
Matt answered our unspoken question, "I'll find somewhere else to sleep you guys. David you can have my bed."
With that he got out of bed, arranged his gown and headed for the door.
David said, "No. No, that wouldn't be right. I'm here to just sleep with David until it's time for him to go to surgery. We'll be okay, really we will."
"Are you sure? I mean I can sleep out on the sofa. I don't have a problem with that if you guys want to be together."
I said to Matt, "You heard him. You need to sleep in your own bed. We'll be fine."
Matt regarded us carefully. Seeing that we were telling him the absolute truth without reservations, he walked over and hugged David warmly then he turned his attention to me. We hugged deeply.
Matt said, "You guys sleep together. I go to sleep fast and I sleep deeply so if you guys want to mess around…"
With that Matt climbed into his bed, rolled over on his side away from my bed and quickly fell asleep.
Peggy entered without Antoine. She said, "He's out like a light. He's a deep sleeper. <Chuckling, she continued> Fill his tummy and he's gone, just like that <she clicked her fingers>. Peter, you need to get some sleep tonight. You've got a busy day tomorrow."
Peggy then exited the room, softly closing the door behind her.
David smiled. Within 2 seconds I shucked my gown to the floor. Within 2 minutes, without hesitation, David stood before me as naked as the day he was born.
We got into bed after peeing, embraced hungrily, kissed passionately which left us in a wanton state of affairs. In the worst possible way I wanted David deep inside of my inner sanctum however we ‘settled' the issue with my prong deep inside of his cavern spilling my protein milk shake thus whitewashing his innards. Quickly, we fell asleep.
I was startled awake at 3:00am by a sudden light above my head being switched on. My eyes fluttered open then closed quickly as the intense light hurt them. During the brief time they had been open, I was assured to see that our visitor was Peggy. She was hanging another bag of liquids on my IV pole.
"You guys look cute together. I can see that you two love each other very much. You guys are beautiful to my eyes." Peggy said as David too awoke with a slight jump. Luckily we were covered up with the sheet. Normally we do not have or use them but it had been cool in the room because of the air conditioning.
Gradually, my eyes became accustomed to the light. Her bright welcoming smile was faint yet it was there. "Good morning sweetie." She said softly.
"Morning. Is that breakfast you are serving? I'm starved."
She chuckled then said "Pancakes, a double side of bacon extra crispy, toast with grape jelly, 3 eggs over medium and a huge glass of orange juice. A hot apple cinnamon pastry is on the plate in front of you. Enjoy."
Peggy went over to Matt's bed then turned on his light. Still he was sound asleep until Peggy jiggled his arm after she had sat down on the side of his bed.
Meanwhile, while Peggy was at Matt's beside turned away from us, David hurriedly put on his underwear but then faced a dilemma because he did not have his crutches, and his Leg was in Matt's bed sleeping alongside him.
"Peggy, when you get a chance would you please bring David a wheelchair. Matt has a third leg in his bed with him …" I started to say then David nudged me after cracking up. Peggy turned around. She had no clue as to the inference made.
When Matt's eyes fluttered open, Peggy put her hand on his forehead and rubbed it softly then said "Good morning child. It's time to get up. Today's your big day.
David handed me my gown that had been tossed to the floor in our urgency. He helped me to get it on properly. With that finished I got up and grabbed the IV pole, made my way to Matt's bed and kissed him on the forehead and said, "Come on Matt. Ya can't sleep all day we've got things to do, people to see, places to go, and we will be exchanging organs today."
Matt smiled. He tossed off the covers thus revealing his thin, emaciated and naked body and headed into the bathroom. The sound of him peeing pervaded the room. David then got up and made his way into the bathroom and shut the door behind him. He and Matt were heard talking but I couldn't understand what they were saying to one another. About 5 minutes later, they came out smiling arm in arm.
Before they got too far, Peggy said, "Peter, Matt you two need to take a shower using this special soap. It helps to kill the bad bacteria on your skin."
With that I joined them. We went into the bathroom, closed the door behind us, got David situated while Matt turned on the water and got it to the right temperature. We washed well with the soap, including our hair. During the process we'd grown wood that was problematically persistent. Without any hesitation whatsoever Matt began masturbating which opened the door for David and me… soon, very soon quite a few sperms made their way to the shower floor amidst a few grunts and groans notifying anyone around that the moment of no return had arrived.
Finished with our duties and ditties we exited the shower and put on our gowns. David put on his underwear and a t-shirt then we exited the bathroom. David pulled on his clothes with a little help.
When we reentered the bathroom both Peggy and Antoine were standing there waiting for us. Good thing we'd donned something to wear.
I swear to God that Antoine was drooling. Everybody, including Peggy, noticed Antoine's reaction. Matt and Antoine's eyes locked once again. Peggy cleared her throat which brought Matt and Antoine back to the ‘present'. Peggy regarded them carefully then smiled and went on about her business of getting us ready for surgery. She took our vital signs, looked for any obvious aberrations then she put an applicator full of the medicine deep into my butt hole and then wiped up any escaped spillage.
Just as she finished that task, Dad, Allen, Angel, Jeremy, and even Jason entered the room. Hugs were given. Kisses were exchanged as appropriate.
Then I noticed it. Everybody noticed it.
Dad and Peggy's eyes were locked on each other.
I snickered. I couldn't help my reaction. But then a warm feeling enveloped me, much like a warm blanket had been wrapped around my shoulders on a cold winter night.
David looked at me and wiggled his eyebrows. I wiggled mine back. Jeremy looked on then he met Jason's eyes… they too wiggled their eyebrows.
"What are you guys doing?" Dad asked seriously (but not too seriously at the same time).
I said, "Making observations. There seems to be eye troubles going through this room." I snickered knowingly. Jeremy didn't have a clue as to what David and I had already observed between Antoine and Matt."
Peggy turned to me and said, "You Mister Peter. Lay down. I'm not finished with you, sweet cheeks."
Jason snorted and coughed and sputtered trying to maintain order… but he failed utterly.
Matt looked at me like I was a Martian from outer space. He said, "What?"
That did it. I broke out laughing hysterically. David was giggling.
"Okay, everybody out. I've got things to do."
With that David kissed me on the lips then he and the guys, including dad, left the room.
Peggy said, "Okay Mr. Smart Guys with sweet cheeks, so, who's first to lose their, what do you call them? Pubes? Yeah, Antoine calls them that. So who's first?"
"Dr. Rasmussen said I get to keep mine." I mildly protested … all to no avail of course. I quit protesting as soon as I started because she pulled a straight edge razor out of her pocket. She wielded it like a weapon all the while snickering.
Knowing I'd been had, I said "I guess I will be. But Dr. Rasmussen …"
"Peter, give it up. When Peggy makes her mind up about something … ya might as well just let it go." Antoine said while snickering in the direction of his mother.
Peggy gave Antoine one of those motherly looks that said to get lost for a while, all in fun of course.
That said, and once Antoine had left the room Peggy proceeded to deftly and expertly and entirely shaved away my pubes. Luckily, my cock behaved itself and remained at rest throughout the entire ordeal. Matt's turn followed. Soon enough we were pubeless wonders.
Actually, I kind of liked the pubeless look yet I wanted them to grow back. They were hard earned (pun intended).
About 15 minutes later Dad entered the room with two doctors dressed in white coats. They identified as anesthesiologists who would be taking care of us during surgery. They answered a few questions after carefully listening to our breathing and heartbeats. Of course, as necessary, they spent quite a bit more time with Matt. One of the doctors knew Matt by name… they seemed to have been almost friends. They said we'd be taken to the operating room at about 6:00am and that they wanted to get things on the road by 7. They wrote orders to give us medicines at about 5:30 to relax any anxieties we may have been experiencing. While I was somewhat nervous, I complied with all requests, and was anxious to get things started so that Matt would have a kidney.
With promises to return very shortly, Peggy left the room after regarding dad very carefully. Dad smiled then caught my eye… the ‘what' word seemed to be a commonality because dad said, "What?"
"Oh nothing dad. If you don't realize what you're doing then I suggest you go look in the mirror at your face." I said then giggled.
Dad said something about "Smart Ass' but I didn't hear it clearly enough to swear on my grave.
Dad motioned with his index for me to come to him. I did. We hugged warmly. He kissed my cheek then whispered in my ear, "There's a little surprise waiting for you." With that he took my elbow and led me into the lounge.
I just about pissed my pants (if I would have any pants on that is). There sat Ron and Ann. On Ann's lap lay Nicole who was looking at me with intense interest. Without a moments' hesitation I walked to them, got down on my hands and knees thus exposing my butt to all within close proximity. I didn't care. Not with my daughter in the room. I leaned down and kissed her cheek, crying my eyes without restraint reveling in the absolute and total joy of the moment.
Somebody, I don't know who it was, closed the back of my gown and held it firmly as I continued and continued and consistently kissed the little bundle of joy that reached for my arms. Without delaying or denying her, I picked her up and then sat down between Ron and Ann. Tears were freely flowing, and I was having a very difficult time talking so I remained as quiet as I could possibly be even though every once in a while a choke would escape.
Ron patted my knee. He said, "It seems that two people are very happy to see one another." At the same time Nicole reached for my face. She grabbed my nose, held on tight with her little fingers, and smiled broadly. She knew exactly what she was doing – and I loved it. I loved her. She loved me. It was all very much overwhelming to all my senses.
Ron and Ann got up from their seats then headed out of the room. Angel, Allen, Jeremy and Jason took off leaving dad, Peggy and David, and of course Nicole with me alone.
Dad said to Peggy, "In case you hadn't noticed the similarities, the little girl Nicole is Peter's daughter. How Nicole was created provides a cute story. We'll talk about it sometime if you'd like to hear it."
Peggy nodded. She too had an unshed tear in the corner of her eye. She quickly brushed it away but another one replaced it. She and dad left the room leaving Matt, David and I alone.
Matt walked over, knelt down in front of me and intently looked at Nicole. Their eyes locked. Nicole let go of my nose then grabbed Matt's.
David said, "If that isn't the endorsement seal then I don't know what is."
Matt quickly turned away and puked on the floor. He leaned against my legs. He was shaking, cold, clammy and in obvious distress.
David got up from his seat, went to Matt, gently lifted him up to his feet then sat him back down between us and reached for the trash can just as Matt heaved again.
With Nicole in my arms I got up on a mission to find Peggy.
Dad poked his head in the room. Seeing Matt leaning over the trash can he walked over, took Matt in his arms and then carried him into our room, closed the door and then exited saying, "I'm going to go get Peggy. You guys stay here."
David, Nicole and I then went into our room only to find Matt in the bathroom. He was lying over the toilet with his face pointed into it. He wasn't being sick at that moment however he was so weak that he was afraid to move. I hunched down on the floor and rubbed his back softly and tenderly all the while encouraging him with soft and tender words.
I found Peggy in the chart room off the main suite just outside the door. I said, "Peggy, Matt's sick. Would you please call housekeeping? I'm afraid he made a mess in the lounge."
Peggy made the quick phone call to the housekeeping staff, hung up then headed into the lounge. But they weren't there. We heard voices coming from their room so that's where we went.
Peggy quickly checked Matt over. She said softly, "Matt's toxicity levels must be through the roof. It makes a patient very sick to their stomach. I'm going to get him some medicine to quiet down his stomach. I'll be right back."
I said to David, "Would you please leave Matt and me alone for a few minutes? I'd like to talk to him."
"Sure dad, no problem."
To Peter I said, "Would you please join David. I would really like to talk to Matt."
"Okay dad. I'll be in the lounge with David. If you need anything…"
"I'll call you immediately." I finished.
Peter stood up, took me in his arms, hugged me deeply then joined David.
I looked carefully at Matt. He looked up too.
What I saw caused to violently shiver. If there was any doubt that this child needed my son's kidney it vanished right then and there in that single solitary moment.
He was pale and peaked, almost pasty looking. He looked me in the eyes. His eyes were cold and distant, almost vacant; much like a light is on but nobody's home. My heart broke. This child was in so much pain. Yet his pain wasn't medical. Instead his pain came from within and was caused by fear, heartache, need, want, and love, and distrust. He was in the kind of pain that no surgery, no medical treatment, no latest and greatest miracle breakthrough would or could ever fix. His pain was centered in his soul. My heart broke… it continued breaking though I maintained, or so I hoped I presented that way.
He then leaned into the bowl once again, made the noises and displayed the body language consistent with being once again sick to his stomach. Nothing passed in the bowl nor had he ejected anything from his other end. I was somewhat concerned because I was kneeling right next to him however I'd not yet touched him.
Unable to stop myself, I reached over and pulled him into my arms. He flinched. He knelt back up on his own power. I retreated. I was scared shitless. He was scared shitless.
Once again he leaned over the toilet bowl and tried to get sick to his stomach… he made valiant efforts to release that which caused his illness.
He then collapsed over the rim of the toilet. I couldn't stand it any longer. I grasped him in my arms and pulled him onto my lap and held him firmly. Our eyes met.
Was it a deep scary fear that I saw coming deep from within his soul? Was it that struggle with trust that we all experience from time to time? Was it him wanting to tell me something but something we hesitate from saying out loud when we feel it will alienate and or disgust the other person to the point where they walk away, maybe even run away, or worse?
I was afraid for him. I worried that if something didn't happen right then and there then perhaps he would be lost – possibly for forever. Perhaps he would get worse than lost… perhaps violent, perhaps distant from the human race, perhaps locked away, perhaps institutionalized, perhaps even a victim of so much self hatred, shame and guilt that his only way out, in his mind, – suicide.
Once again I shuddered violently. Short. Quick. But nevertheless…
I decided to go for broke… "Matt, do you want to tell me about it? Two heads are often better than one when we have a problem? I'll listen to you. I won't judge you. And, I certainly cannot hate you. If I hated you then I would have to hate Peter. I can never hate him so I cannot hate you."
Weak as he were at the time, with my help he was able to get up and to the bowl just in the nick of time as another wave of nausea overtook his tired and frail body. He allowed me to hold him firmly, supportively.
When the moment passed, he was weaker than before. He resisted none when I pulled him back into my arms and held him loosely yet firmly at the same time.
He was chilled, maybe though, he was simply shaking from the exertions of his sick stomach. Whatever it was, he soon calmed down and sank into my chest resting quietly. We sat that way for maybe 10 minutes saying nothing, just being together in a quiet restful solitude of silence.
Every once in a while he'd hiccup but he made no effort to go to the toilet again. I was ready though… not for my own needs to remain clean but rather for his dignity.
From out of the blue he whispered very, very quietly. You would have had to have been listening very carefully to hear what he said, "I hurt babies. I'm sorry I did. I didn't mean to."
Quickly, he tried to get away from the safety of my arms. But I wouldn't let him get away. No I wasn't holding him against his will… he could have got out of my arms but he didn't try… not really. He then said, "Please don't kill me. I didn't mean to."
"Matt, nobody's going to hurt or harm you… not in any way. I'm sure you didn't mean to. You're in my arms now, safe and secure from the world. We have no timetable. All we have is right now."
With that said I urged him to rest his head in my chest. He did so willingly. He took a deep breath then said with distraught clearly in his voice, "You'll hate me. So will those guys. What if Peter hates me? Then what? Antoine will definitely hate me!"
He started crying but I noticed no tears were escaping. I said softly, "Rest child. Nobody is going to hate you, not in a million gazillion years. We don't hate. Hate just causes more hate and before you know it you're consumed by the devil… and no I'm not talking about the Biblical devil. I'm talking about the devil of hatred that can consume our entire beings. That's why there are wars and other bad things like that."
With that said Matt turned into me fully then wrapped his arms around my neck and held on for dear life. Did I get through to him? What was ravaging this 15 year old boy?
Likewise, I put my arms around his bony shoulders and held him tight but not too tight so as to scare him or make him feel trapped. I hoped I was letting him know beyond any shadow of a doubt that he could depend on me, trust me, share with me, to feel safe with me. It's very easy to tell someone that you are trustworthy but it is even harder to give them time to learn on their own. This is, this has to be the hardest thing ever for a parent to do … this time, this opportunity, and the needed patience, rather the mandatory patience needed was about ready to break me in half, or so it seemed.
As if he sensed my impending crumbles, Matt let himself go back just far enough so that our eyes once again met yet he kept his arms intertwined with mine and said "They made me lay on her. She was screaming … then she wasn't. I tried to get away but they pushed me … they pushed me … they kept pushing me … they wouldn't stop pushing me … they gave me some methamphetamine … then I couldn't stop. Bright lights. Bright lights everywhere. Then it stopped. I couldn't do it anymore. It was already done. I could not stop it."
That said Matt collapsed into my chest. He was barely breathing. His heart beat was barely beating but it was beating, and he was breathing.
My brain disengaged from that single solitary second of rage which was building, building and building inside of my soul as this child spilled his guts about what he had done, what he had been forced to do. I swore then and there that those motherfuckers would pay, and they would pay the ultimate sacrifice for nearly destroying this child in my arms. My brain re-engaged to comfort this child whose guts were spilling out all over the floor, all over his brain, and into mine … but I would not let it spill. Instinctively, I pulled him into me, and just let him rest. I felt him relax. His arms which had been clutching me around the neck with his pain, relaxed, they hung limply.
"You don't hate me?" Matt whispered very, very softly.
"No Matt. I do not hate you. And you have hated yourself for too long child. Those people who made you do that will pay, they will pay with their lives, I promise you child. I love you child. You are not the kind of person who hurts and harms and kills other people. I see you in your soul. It is a very good place to be."
"What do you mean when you say they will pay with their lives?"
"That is something for you to not concern yourself with. Those adults did adult things to children. They will pay in an adult way. You are still a child, a very good child, a very loving child. You have been through enough."
"I just want to be a normal kid … uhm. Sir?"
"Can I just be a normal kid with you guys? I'm gay though but I don't think that makes any difference … I'm not the only one." Matt said then giggled just a slight bit.
"No, you are not the only gay kid in our home. Yeah, you can be a normal kid for just as long as you want to, for as long as you need to, for as long as you will have us as your family. If and when you leave then it would be your decision, not mine, nor any of your brothers."
"Peter already said you do not hit or beat or scream …"
"That's right. I don't. I make the same promise to you that I made to him … I will never hit you in anger. There are so many other ways, there are so many other positive ways to get your attention – no child should ever be beaten. That's my promise to you."
"Okay. I'll be a good boy. I'll try. Sometimes I am bad though. I get scared real easy. But I don't cry though. I never cried when they were doing those things to me."
"Peter didn't cry either. He learned how to be tough but then he's learning how to be soft." I said as the tears spontaneously started running out of my eyes and onto my chest unabated. Matt closed the distance between us. He laid his frail body against mine with his cheek in my neck. Not a minute later, his tears were wetting my neck then he started sobbing uncontrollably.
"Let it out child. Don't keep anything in. Don't hold back. Just let the pain flow for as long as it needs to. Pretty soon joy will replace that pain inside of you. I just know it will."
Slowly over time, Matt came back. His sobs were replaced by an occasional sniffle. He raised his head and looked me in the eyes. He had a faint glimmer of a smile running softly across his face. His eyes were now dancing with the light brightly shining within them. Now when I looked into his eyes, I saw something in them that I had not seen before … was it hope? Yes, what was shining in and through his eyes was hope.
He kissed me on my cheek and said very, very quietly "Can I call you dad? I've never had one before. I'll probably mess it up. Please? Give me a chance. I'll try not to let you down."
What he did next shocked me to my core: he reached down and before I could stop its descent he reached into my crotch, quickly found my maleness and squeezed it firmly.
I yanked his hand away and put it back up on my shoulder and said seriously, "Don't ever do that again. You should not ever go grabbing a man's organ for any reason until you are a man and both you and he agree that that's what you want to do. Nobody in my family will ever, ever, ever expect you to do anything sexual that you do not want to do. If they do then you come tell me. Promise me."
"They'd love me if I did that for them." Matt whimpered softly.
"I'll love you. I promise. Child, I already do love you. As far as your question is concerned, "I'd be honored and privileged to be your dad. Thank you. You'll be just fine. Are you better now?"
Matt said nothing but his nod and the squeeze around my neck with his thin frail arms gave me the only answer I needed.
I kissed his forehead and softly said "You and Peter have a special moment coming up… are you ready?"
"I'm scared. I don't want anything bad to happen to Peter. I'm scared dad."
To be continued