After David and Peter left the room for the cafeteria, Antoine and I stood there looking at each other waiting for the other to speak first. Our silence was awkward – like we both had stuff to say but were too frightened to say anything for fear of sending the person we wanted to get to know away. Finally, after an indeterminable period of silence, Antoine said, "Matt, I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm supposed to do or say. We, I mean I, got off on the wrong, how do you say it? 'Foot'."
"I'm sorry too. I jumped to conclusions and never even thought about your feelings."
"Matt? Can we start over? Can we try this again? I'd really like to be your friend."
"Yeah, I'd like to be friends with you too." I said knowing that my real answer was for more, but, I held back not knowing where this conversation was going to go.
You see I had never been attracted to anyone else like I was to Antoine. Sure, there was Brad. Sure, we made some beautiful music together, physically, but we had never really connected mentally and spiritually or emotionally. We had never talked about being afraid – because we were never afraid, and never showed the other our vulnerabilities.
I'd thought about being afraid of him when we were together but had quickly pushed it aside because I thought HE loved ME and I did not want to fuck it up. You see, fear is a sign of weakness on the streets. Vulnerability and weakness will get your ass killed so you quickly learn to not show it, to not feel it.
Without another word, Antoine took two steps forward and I took one. We were very close yet so far away then autopilot, instinct took over. We embraced, awkward at first then, sighing, the fear that had kept us part dissipated leaving me calm, peaceful and carefree as I hugged him deeply. Immediately we connected. He put his strong arms around me then squeezed firmly but not so much as to hurt me. I closed my eyes while thinking of this beautiful chocolate covered morsel of sweetness, and the warmth he gave me. His smell was driving me crazy … so sweet, so pleasant, so overpowering but not in a bad way – no he was not wearing after shave, no he was not wearing any cologne, no he was wearing no other artificial flavoring – he was just him … okay, well, maybe his aroma was affected by a trace of body soap.
Without speaking, without being sexual in any way, without being crazy with lust, without worry about what the other was thinking … we just stood there silently letting the moments pass without any obvious human intervention. The experience was wonderful. I had never experienced that in my entire life. That was our connecting moment if there ever was one. It was. We both knew it.
Antoine was perceptive. He perceived that I was extremely tired from standing there for so long. He noticed it before I did, actually. Without saying a word he led me to my bed then helped me to sit down. Once again, I melted into his side as he put his arm around my shoulders. Our hips were touching as were our thighs.
"I was afraid, Matt. I still am. I talked at length with my priest and mentor. Let's just follow our hearts and take this one step at a time, can we?"
"Antoine, I don't mean anything bad by what I am about to say … why didn't you come to me to talk? I'm afraid. I've never felt this way before … not where I really connected with someone as I have with you. Before we get too far though, I need to tell you some things about me. They are things I'm ashamed of. You might not like me. I wouldn't blame you at all." I said shamefully.
Antoine only pulled me into him even more firmly than he had already then said, "I too am ashamed of things from my past. I have done some very bad things. If you want to know of them, I will tell you. You might hate me. If you want to tell me of your past, then I want to hear them. I will not judge you."
For the next hour or so we shared war stories yet we knew we had so much more to talk about however a very tired Peter returned to the room with David supporting him. They sat down on Peter's bed then looked at us questioningly, expectantly, remaining quiet and waiting for us to speak. When Antoine didn't say anything after a pregnant pause I said to him "Are we okay with each other, at least at this time, right now?"
"I am. Are you?"
"Yeah, I'm good. Thank you for asking. Okay, question for you two: were you guys ever afraid of your feelings for each other?"
"Oh yeah, definitely for sure. We're not really afraid of each other now instead we're very careful to not intentionally hurt each other but sometimes getting hurt just seems to happen from time to time. My psychologist says that perhaps I'll always have some fear when it comes to intimacy. David's my rock though. He senses the fear in me, knows how to get me past it with love, compassion and understanding, and he never quits. Thank you, David, I love you so much."
"Peter, you're my rock. You give me more strength than you give yourself credit for. Without you, I am nothing. I mean it from the bottom of my heart and soul."
"Antoine, do you think we could share our strengths so that we can get through anything. I have to know before I can let go." I asked quietly but more assured than I was before David and Peter spoke, somehow knowing what they had said was true for me too.
"Yes. I feel your strengths. Knowing what you know about me can you rest easy and feel safe?"
"Oh yeah. No doubt." I chuckled.
"Funny boy. I did not mean THAT. I mean …"
"They have it bad." David said emphatically.
"No shit." Peter chuckled.
"They are starting to finish each others' thoughts …"
"Yeah, that has its good points and bad points all at the same time sometimes." Peter chuckled again.
Antoine sat next to me, touching me with a smile on his face at hearing their antics. Me too, it was funny.
"I'll be right back. Don't move." Antoine whispered lightly in my ear. When his sweet breath touched my ear, immediately I sprang wood causing my gown to pooch up and out.
He returned with a wheelchair, and urged me into it. He said, "Matt and I need to talk for a few minutes. Please excuse us. We'll be back in a little while" then without waiting for an answer, he rolled me into the guest room where he shut the door, and after helping me to stand we embraced, holding it for a couple of minutes. We separated just a little bit however we were still touching. He put his strong hands on each side of my face then, as if playing in an orchestra, our lips came together in a quick but warm and totally connecting kiss. That one single solitary kiss, brief as it was, would have surely lit up the entire east coast on a cold winters' night.
While our lips gradually parted our closeness did not as we continued to hold each other warmly, lightly yet firmly.
I couldn't help it, my hands would not stop their journey down his back, they were seemingly moving of their own volition. Gently, they rested on the top of his bubble butt then drawn by a passion I had never before known they trailed on down over his butt cheeks. Antoine shuddered slightly then took my wrists in his, lifted them away from his butt cheeks … then thought differently, allowing my hands to resume their trail into his most private of places. Caught up in the moment, Antoine allowed his hands to travel down my back then they too rested and cupped my quivering naked cheeks. You see my gown had parted thus exposing my butt completely. I came very close to losing it when one of his fingers began tracing the crevice where my butt cheeks come together. I would have lost it, I know I would have had he pushed in his finger and found the entrance to my tunnel of pleasure.
Antoine attempted to pull us apart however I had a pretty good hold on him and would not allow us to part. He stopped resisting but said, "We need to stop now, Matt. I don't know what to do from here. I do not know how to pleasure you. I do not want to mess things up."
"Shush. You're doing just fine. Just follow your heart. Nobody has ever held me like you are now, and well, I don't want you to stop just now. Hey Antoine?" I asked very quietly.
"Antoine, you have seen me naked many times. Do you ever feel yourself wanting me but not knowing how to go about it?"
"I do not even know where to start. I kind of want all of you but I don't know what it is that I want. This makes no sense."
"It makes perfect sense to me. I think it's just that we don't know how to pleasure each other – we've never been with each other before, not like this. Can I ask you another question? It's very personal. If you don't want to answer me then just say not now, okay?"
Antoine giggled then said "I do not even know what your question is so how can I say no?" After a 5 second pause he said "I will answer your question truthfully."
"Antoine, you have seen me many times naked. You gave me baths. You have touched me. Uhm, well I've never seen you naked though. Would you? We don't have to have sex, although I wouldn't be opposed, now is probably not the time nor are we probably in the right place."
"Matt, please understand this: I will never have 'sex' with you. I have sex with my hand – it serves its purpose … masturbation provides physical relief."
Oh okay, well that's what I meant to say … I thought to myself then said "Yeah, I know what you mean. But it is necessary otherwise WE'D EXPLODE!"
We chuckled knowingly. While I can giggle without much pain, and can even briefly chuckle, our chuckles continued causing me to hurt noticeably. He helped me to sit down then he turned such that we were able to hug without undue stress on my incision. We kissed once again, this time with more passion in it. My dick, although it was still hard, became very, very uncomfortable as it was now in a position of needing release however I held back. I didn't know why or how my lips seemed to be hard-wired to my dick but I knew that if it were touched by him, by me or even by my gown then I would erupt and spew in a colossal shower of sparks, fire and thrust on a trip to and from Nirvana.
At the same time, we looked down at my gown which was pouched out. Carefully, I lifted the gown off of it after seeing a wet spot where my dickhead touched it. All the while, I felt to be on the verge of spewing my load anyway despite any preventative measures I could think of or do. Not knowing what else to say or do I went for broke and said "I'm sorry. Either strip down or I'm outta here because I feel a need to attack YOU!" I giggled seriously.
Quickly, he kissed me on the forehead then straightened up, but only briefly. He then reached down untied his sneakers and kicked them aside. He removed his socks and placed them, one at a time, inside his tennis shoes then stood up and faced me, "I will pleasure your eyes. I warn you ahead of time that I embarrass very, very easily, because of the size of my organ. It is too big. It is unnatural. I'm sorry."
I kissed his lips with a passion I'd hardly ever known before. As I was pushing my lips firmly into his I reached for and found the flesh he was ashamed of. I separated his male organ from the balls beneath and below and then squeezed the firm rod of pleasure that set him forth as male. He jumped. Clearly, he wasn't ready for the contact.
I kissed his lips hungrily then released. I said, "Naked. Now."
He smiled sheepishly and then kissed my lips quickly but tenderly. I released his ample manhood and took two steps back so that I could see 'everything' as it unfolded. Meanwhile, I permitted my gown to fall to the floor, around my ankles.
Slowly, carefully, reservedly, he looked into my eyes. He was silently my permission to continue.
He sat on the bed with his legs hanging over. With no further hesitation he began by taking off his shoes and socks. His toes were thin but his feet were long and wide so as to provide him with good stability. From his story I could correlate they carried him very fast and steadily.
Next, he unbuckled his belt and then released the snap and unzipped them. Those pants fit him just perfectly… loose but not loose enough to fall (darn it!) around his ankles. Seductively, I reached for the hem of the garment and pulled it out. He was wearing black silk boxer briefs.
I giggled and then stepped back when he tapped my fingers.
Next, he unbuttoned his white collared shirt. Oh, so he starts at the bottom and works up… I liked that! Oh, nevermind me, I was horny as hell. Anyway, he neatly folded the shirt and laid it on the bed beside him.
He then reached for the hem of his white undershirt and quickly lifted it over his head and likewise folded it neatly and put it on top of his outer shirt.
Our eyes met. I hoped I sent him encouragement because I sure liked him in every way, not just sexually… however, sex was definitely on my mind at that juncture. There was that element of surprise driving me crazy. I wanted to strip him in 1 single move but I knew undressing was something that he needed to do for himself, and for me. He was doing just fine.
He pushed his pants down to his knees then sat down on the bed, brought one leg up and removed the appendage from its confines in the pants. When he raised his leg, I got the first glimpse of his organ because it popped out from one of the leg openings. My dick twitched, my breathing became labored… no, not from fear, rather I just had to see all of its magnificence. He looked down, saw it peeking out, and quickly averted his eyes to mine. After receiving a sense of encouragement from me, he quickly removed his pants and folded them neatly.
The moment had arrived. He stood. His fingers reached into the waistband of his black silk boxers, and in one fell swoop they lay at his feet. Quickly, he kicked them aside. He looked me seeking approval, seeking any sense of fear that I may have been feeling in that moment.
I had no fear. I was not even looking at his dick. I was deeply looking into his eyes. I walked to him, closed our distance, and then when he put his hands on my shoulders, I put mine on his then together we looked down to see his fully engorged member hanging down in suspended animation. It was beautiful. And believe you me; I knew what a nice cock looked like. The best part of it all, putting aside all sexual thoughts was that it belonged to him. I said, "You are absolutely beautiful. I don't just mean that your body is scalding hot, although it is that for damn sure, I mean you are a beautiful person. Your body just matches your personality. You're definitely a keeper."
I sat down on the bed because I needed to sit down. My need was welling up, my body was tightening up which was not a good thing because it was pulling on the stitches. But there was a benefit of sitting down… I turned him around to face me having had a nice view of his thick, muscular, but soft appearing buns. When he was fully in place I reached out… but then I stopped and looked into his eyes for approval to touch him.
He took a step closer to where he was standing no further than 8 inches away. That maneuver caused my hand to touch his member. With a total fascination, I grasped it and lifted it to a 90 degree angle. It rested through my hand and a third of the way up my forearm. I leaned down and kissed its beauty. Although I wondered how we'd ever get that thing up where I wanted it to be, my next was that the journey would be damn fun. I wasn't at all concerned about its girth because it was thin and narrow… it was just very long. My anus twitched. My cock twitched. Seemingly, on its own volition I felt the feeling of orgasm quickly approaching.
The slit of his penis began leaking white liquid. As quick as I could I stood up and together we joined lips, chests, bellies, and finally our penises… and then spontaneously, without forethought we exploded… just as the explosion began I lifted his penis up and put it between our bellies then grabbed hold of his back and squished us together, or something like that… I was losing consciousness in a most pleasant way.
I was also gasping and half-sobbing from the severe pain caused by spasms of the previously incised muscles in my belly. Antoine, sensed my distress AND pleasure (it was a definite toss up as to which one was more powerful – but for this accounting of my story I'll just say that PLEASURE won hands down!).
All good things must come to an end. Our end came with a knock on the door. Antoine, I'll never forget the look on his face for a million years and a million years past that… it registered total panic. Here we were… drenched with our essence. I kissed him deeply to let him know that everything was fine, and to not worry, and to BREATHE!
I grabbed my hospital gown and then wiped him down but not before taking a dollop of his cream and licking my finger clean. "Yummy!"
Once he was cleaned up, I cleaned up while he got dressed and put back together. He was so nervous and everything that I nearly had to redress him myself. Of course, I snickered and gave him sort of a hard time about his feeble, fog filled brain attempts to become presentable – to the outside world at least! Me, I would be fine if he were naked at all times! But that's beside the point.
He then took the lead by carefully and gently wiping my chest, belly, legs and finally my private areas with a towel he had retrieved from the built-in dresser. Also in there was a clean gown which he put on me.
When we exited the room, David and Peter were heading into the hallway. We joined them and walked David to the door of the transplant unit where we hugged them. They left and we went back to The Suite.
When we returned to the bathroom, Peggy was just exiting the main bathroom in The Suite. She took one look at her son. Her face registered great surprise but not shock or revolt. Automatically, we both looked at Antoine to see what she was looking at. Somehow, somewhere he had drying wet splotch marks on his white shirt. Antoine, realizing what it was, looked to the floor and avoided his mother's eyes.
I caught her eyes. I said, "Everything's cool."
I think she was more surprised than anything. She didn't look mad or anything. Anyway, she went to Antoine, took his chin in her hand and then kissed his cheek and his forehead.
She then looked at me. She rolled her eyes, clucked her tongue and said, "BOYS!"
Shortly thereafter, Antoine and his mother departed leaving Peter and me alone.
Peter chuckling said, "So, did you get your little problem worked out, oh worry wart?"
I giggled, "You could say that. But I think a whole new set of problems arose. His mom…"
We were escorted by two security officers to the waiting limo at the loading dock.
As much as I wanted to think that the wet stain marks on my white shirt weren't present, they were there. Mom didn't say anything about them but she was deeply contemplating.
After we were seated and the doors closed and locked I turned to her and said nervously, "Matt doesn't think I'm a freak."
"What do you mean? You aren't a freak. I don't understand where you're coming from, son."
"Father Ben says that love knows no boundaries. He said I should embrace them by being honest with my feelings. I am no longer confused with my feelings toward Matt. I am confused by what my father and the priest back home said about my… uhm… maleness. They called it a serpent, and said that I am unnatural and that I will not please any woman."
After a couple of minutes of silence, mom said, "Honey, your father and priest were wrong. They are mere mortals with some misguided ideas about what normal really is all about. When I was a child, Father Ben gave a sermon about a flower garden and how we all are a part of it, and how we make it beautiful…"
"Yes. He told me the story. In her own way, Mildred said basically the same thing."
"Antoine, we all have things that set us a little bit apart from the rest of the human race. Honestly, I don't believe for one moment that our Creator makes mistakes. Some things we are given cause conflict within ourselves because other people have problems with our gifts. That doesn't make us wrong. And we don't have to prove to them that we are normal people just because we're different. Did I ever tell you that I was born without glands to cause my left breast to grow to a quote normal unquote size and shape?"
"No, I would have never known. I mean you look normal in every way. And you act normal in every way."
"It wasn't always that way, son. When I dressed out for gym class… I felt freakish when I saw other girls filling out during puberty, and even into high school."
"Uhm, I don't dress out… I mean I do but I don't put that 'thing' on 'under' my undershorts, and I don't shower. Nobody sees me at school."
Mom said in all seriousness, "You learn who your real friends are. Our real friends take us as we are. The turning point for me was when one of my girlfriends stayed overnight for the first time. Our friendship was such that we were open and honest with each other in every way. We were getting dressed for bed that night, and well, I showed her. She said she wished her breasts were much smaller because they caused her problems too. Antoine?"
"Honey, I don't mean to embarrass you… quite frankly you're okay just the way you are. I'm glad Matt thought so too."
"Yes, he likes me very much. I like him too."
Mom snickered, "Oh, I think it's more than 'like' between you two. Have you ever looked in a mirror together?"
"Well, do it some time. Believe me, when you two are together, you aren't hiding anything. Honey, I've known something was between you two even when Matt was in a coma for so long… the way you took care of him… I'm happy for you that Matt survived his injuries. I was so afraid that he wouldn't survive… he was hurt so badly that nobody gave him more than a ten percent chance of making it through."
"I was drawn to his spirit, mom. It was and is very powerful."
"Son, Father Ben is absolutely correct when he says that love knows no boundaries. It is really okay, run with it, don't ever look back."
"As your mother, I have to ask you a question and give you some information… are we understood?"
"Yes. I think I am gay… but I don't know for sure because I do not, how do you say it? Get 'excited' when I see any other boy, not even David, Peter, Jeremy, Allen or Angel… yes, excited is the right word to use…"
"Honey, gay is just a word to pigeon hole someone into a box. A box is a place where people have to put other people so that they can put limitations or special conditions on whether someone is acceptable, and also to put the person into a place where they are not accepted. We have to be true to ourselves. If we're true to ourselves then we can generally be truthful and accepting of other people, including those who give us a hard time. They do not live in our skin, and we do not live in theirs. What I think and use is that we are all sexual beings, period."
"That is a lot to think about, mom. I shall think about it, and I shall talk to Matt about it too. You have a question?"
"Again, honey, I don't want to embarrass you… I just need to know so that I know what to tell you… have you and Matt been intimate?"
"Yes. We were very intimate. We were very 'excited'."
"Did you have sexual intercourse? I'm sorry honey; I just need to know for health reasons."
"Oh no, ma'am, I could never do that to him, it would hurt him"
"Honey, what if I told you that you guys could work through, that there's no reason why you two cannot be intimate in that way too. You'll just have to work together. The important thing in all of this is for you and Matt to have fun, and to be safe."
"I will never hurt him. It would not be right to even take that chance. Mom, I love him. He is the person who completes my being, I could never hurt him."
"Give yourself some time, Antoine. Wonderful things are awaiting you guys. Because I'm your mom, and will probably be Matt's mother in law… it is important that I give you some protection, anyway. If you two decide to go further then you must make sure that your fluids and his fluids are protected. I'm afraid that Matt has hurt and harmed… even though his HIV tests are negative, they can pop up positive for at least a year or two after the last contact. I do not want to bury you, my son, and I do not want to bury Matt."
"Matt had many choices removed from him. It is not his fault. And he did not ask to be hurt." I said decisively.
"Yes, he had many choices removed from him by force, but that does not excuse safe sex practices. Even if he's totally negative for sexually transmitted diseases… the likelihood of obtaining an infection through penis to anal intercourse is very real. This is why you must wear protection. Matt is also very vulnerable to infection because his immune system is somewhat compromised though not as bad as it could be because his donor is his identical twin brother."
"You have given me very much to think about. I will talk to Matt about all of these things." I said assuredly.
The limo soon deposited us at Jim's house. We went inside. Allen and Angel, wearing only a smile, were lounging in the TV room. When mom entered, they covered up their front sides with small sofa pillows but made no other effort to hide their natural states.
Mom patted my butt, kissed me on the cheek then took off for upstairs.
Allen said, "We were just getting ready to go swimming… wanna come with us? We could goof off for awhile."
"Sure. I'll just go upstairs and get a swimming suit on. I'll be right back."
Angel spoke up, "You can if you want to but you don't need to. Seriously, you're okay just the way you are, don't hide. You can if you want to but you don't have to."
With that said both boys got up off the sofa and let their half-hard prongs lead the way outside to the pool.
I stood debating then decided… I closed the blinds on the windows overlooking the pool, and then went outside, completely disrobed including my underwear, and dove in.
The only problem was that I had to develop a method of diving without having my ample manhood slapping the water as it sliced through the surface.
Our flight took off on time. The scheduled arrival time was 11:30 pm Pacific time, 2:30am Hawaii time.
The jet, a 737-200, had two full size bedrooms, a large office, a galley, a large living area and had captain's chairs to ride in.
The pilot announced that the weather would be perfect, and that there were 10 full-length movies to choose from should we decide to watch them.
Shortly after takeoff, dinner was served. I had a filet mignon with a baked potato and a crisp green salad while Jeremy had a Shrimp Scampi and au gratin plate.
After the dishes were picked up we got into several games of Hearts. At about 10:00pm, dad called Jeremy and told him that he'd pick us up from Oakland's general aviation wing. He also said that while security would be present its presence would be minimally noticeable.
Jeremy handed me the phone, "Hey dad, this is a really cool plane; wow is it ever!"
"Good. I'm really looking forward to seeing you and your brother. We'll meet you at the airport, which should be arriving in Oakland in about an hour. Your grandmother is anxious to see you guys – it's been a while. And, oh, before I forget it – did you bring extra padding for your prosthesis?"
"Yes sir, I did, everything's kewl."
"Good. You'll be doing quite a bit of walking. Did you bring your fold-up crutches?"
"No. I didn't think I'd need them. We could go back to get them…" I deadpanned.
"David thinks so."
Dad laughed then we terminated our call.
After arriving in Oakland on time, we deplaned at General Aviation then met dad and grandma in the terminal area. Everybody was tremendously glad to see one another. Lots of hugs, kisses and more hugs were both given unreservedly and received wholeheartedly.
The drive to grandma's house was uneventful. When we arrived, grandma took Jeremy and I into the kitchen where she dished out still warm apple crisp then topped it off with vanilla ice cream. Oh my God was it ever good.
"You boys can sleep together in the guest room or one can sleep the floor and the other in the bed … however you want to do it. You're brothers. It isn't like you are sleeping with a strange guy or some weird thing like that. I tell ya that California is going all gaga with this proposition 8. Marriage is between a man and a woman. Period, end of conversation. The Bible says so. It's about time this whole world starts paying attention to right and wrong because the world is quickly going to hell in a hand basket. But my family is good and respectable. I'm looking very much forward to visiting Hawaii for a few months, at least until winter is over. My rheumatism gives me lots of trouble but your grandpa would have nothing to do with moving to a warmer climate."
"Ahhh grandma, well, we need to talk …" Jeremy said with reservation.
Just then dad walked into the kitchen. Grandma offered him a piece of the crisp which he accepted. Once everybody was chowing down at the small kitchen table then grandma asked Jeremy "So Jeremy, what is it we need to talk about?"
"Dad, we needed to talk about living arrangements … back home." Jeremy said nondescriptly.
If it weren't so serious it would have been funny … dad nearly choked when he swallowed just as Jeremy made his statement of fact.
Grandma got up from her seat then started slapping dad hard on the back but he recovered quickly, from the choking episode that is, but his face turned ashen because he was put on the spot.
"Living arrangements. Right. Well. Mom. I'm sure everything will be okay with some minor adjustments. Overall, we have plenty of room. We will just double team, won't we boys?"
"Double team. Right. That's what we are going to do … no problemo."
"Nice try, Jim. You never were very good at hoodwinking me. What's the story? I mean what's the real story?"
To be continued
(Revised & Reposted November 20, 2011)