Starting Over 2
Thursday, Peter's View
"Worry not." Dr. Choi quietly, just above a whisper, said to Alexander quietly then added, "Boys, Alexander and I are going shopping for a couple of hours. We have plenty of towels. Please, most all of the healing will occur through you, not from someone else."
With that said we were helped to our feet. We more or less carried David into a 3rd bedroom and then they made their departure, but not before removing our cell phones and placing them on the table in the living area after receiving permission to turn them off. He turned off the room phones, and they left leaving David and I alone.
Words escaped our conscious intelligence. Nature and nurture took over all else. I wish that I could remember our experience, not only to put down here, but to hold onto for the rest of my life, and to give to, to share with David during his times of need. As has been told a number of times in this accounting of our lives, I kinda sort wish I could give you, the reader, the opportunity to share our thrills of getting ready, going in, coming out, going and coming out… but… I cannot do that – I don't remember!
In any event, as we returned to this world, I realized and welcomed David's presence in that which had gotten hurt, that had been taken away from the love of my life, and from me too. I felt no pain. I looked for it. I knew it had to be there. I knew there was no way that there could be no pain what with the position David's body was to mine. The thing of it is that all I felt was peace, joy, and a fullness that I'd never before experienced.
My husband was breathing deeply, rhythmically. I thought he was asleep but he opened his eyes. Instead of being contorted with pain they showed from within only peace, tranquility, fulfilled need, and oh my God the love that was present cannot be described adequately. Any attempt to describe what we were feeling during that slice of time would utterly be inadequate.
Our lips joined as if my bottom lip was his bottom lip and his top lip was mine, as if his tongue was mine and mine was his.
Sometime later, maybe an hour later, perhaps two hours later, keeping track of time made no difference, was not, in the least, any concern of ours as we gently held onto each other.
Our kisses became even more gentle, rose petal like even, after we had reached our pinnacles of success showering our beings with shimmering lights, bursts of white hot pain, and then pleasure, immeasurable pleasure, oh my God what pleasure our experience was.
As we landed back on earth from our flight to and beyond the stars of the universe, and then even universes beyond that which we live in the midst of, we lay together helplessly and hopelessly lost in the spiritual axiom that within we shared completely and totally.
After raising my head up and looking into the depths of my David's deep brown eyes, after kissing his cheek with my arms around his chest and back just below his arms I asked softly, tenderly "Are you okay baby? You scared me."
"Baby, I would have taken your pain, all of it, a million times over and over again …"
"Shush. Don't. We're here now. We're safe. We're loved. We're needed. It's all right here, David, right now, here."
"Are you, you know … hurting?"
I laid my head down resting it again his soft cheek, then unable and unwilling to deny my feelings any longer, I softly nodded and said "Yeah. My 'back there' feels like a rolling pin was shoved in, but, David, my heart pain is gone. Are you hurting, baby?"
"My heart pain is gone too, baby. My leg, the part that is gone feels like a white hot poker had been dropped on it from far above but it is nowhere near like it was before we joined together as we have never before joined together."
"It's kind of weird isn't it?"
Snickering, David replied softly, "Well, we are kind of weird sometimes, right?"
Chuckling, I replied, "Yes we are, and I'm damn proud of it too."
"So where do we go from here?" David asked, removing his medicine dropper and plopping on the bed beside me, pulling me into his arms."
"It's in our song baby, remember?"
"Oh … okay … but we'll try best that we can to carry on…"
"Mmm hmmm … we just keep going, we just have to babe."
"What time is it?" David asked curiously, not at all concerned.
"Time to kiss you again."
"Oh, I like that time … humph"
"Good thing we're flying private <giggles>."
"Where are we?"
I looked around. The room was unfamiliar, though it was familiar in a weird kind of way. Weird in the sense that I became we were still in the hotel, but the room was not the one we'd shared the previous night.
A faded and vague memory returned, that said we were in Dr. Choi's suite, and that something bad had happened on a terrace close by but I could not recall details.
I said to David, "We're in Dr. Choi's suite. We're safe."
David snickered, "I hate to break this up -but- my butt… come on. Let's get showered."
I started to get up but David pushed me back down very gently. Our lips touched. David said, "I love you Peter. We're going to be okay. We just can't hold things inside of ourselves. It hurts too bad. I promise that I'll be open with you at all times… except for your birthday and Christmas."
"No, nope, no conditions. How about this: we don't ask about birthday and Christmas presents. That way we aren't put in a position to hold back anything."
Back in the main room, Dr. Choi
Seeing that David and Peter were intimately connected, no not sexually, though their room certainly had that aroma, and knowing that carnal sharing was not out of the question given their state of spiritual being, I quietly led Alexander out of the room, shut the door to the terrace quietly then we sat down. Alexander had total wonderment in his eyes, confusion too.
"I cannot scientifically explain what is happening with David and Peter; their experience is a spiritual one. Yes, that is the best explanation. Some things, some experiences simply fail to have words attached onto them, they defy explanation. I think they are going to be okay."
About an hour and a half later, David and Peter came through the door, arm in arm. They headed to the bathroom clad only with balled up underwear covering the front of their near total nakedness, closed the door then came back out a few minutes later freshly showered, and plopping down in the circle of chairs. They were smiling contentedly.
Alexander, still astounded asked incredulously "Are you guys okay?"
David and Peter, they looked at each other carefully, searching for answers they had already answered between them in an intimate way then an unspoken peaceful look overtook their faces and David said assuredly: "Yeah, we're very okay."
"Boys, I have not previously seen, with my own eyes, what took place. All I know to say is that what I saw was a spiritual experience if there ever was one. You do not have to explain it. You two are going to be okay."
I looked at my watch. Seeing that it was 2:30pm, urgently I said, "Okay, we must end this session now. Peter, you must be at your appointment with your surgeon in just a little over an hour and a half. We must hurry."
Meanwhile – Back Home, Jeremy's POV
Cleanup was well underway after enjoying a breakfast of cinnamon French toast, bacon, sausage, fresh fruit and orange juice when Peggy called…
"Hello." I answered on the second ring.
"Hi honey. We're getting ready to board our flight home. We'll be arriving at about 1:45. We'll be arriving in General Aviation. It's a long story."
"Gotcha, we'll be there by 1:30, probably a little earlier. Are you okay?" I asked concernedly. Mom sounded very tired.
"All things considered, I'm okay."
"I know it's been tough on you. How is everybody?"
"We're okay with everything considered. Your dad is being discharged from the hospital later on today. He's really anxious to be home as are the rest of us. We'll be home soon enough to get the dining room fixed up so that your dad does not have to trudge up the stairs … I don't think he'd make it. If you could make sure the heavy stuff is rearranged then I can do the rest."
"Consider it done. How are David and Peter?"
"I knew I could count on you. Dr. Choi called a little while ago and told me they were much better. Both boys have been under tremendous stress, Jeremy. It goes minute to minute. I suggest that we let Peter speak before asking. The same is true for David. Speaking of, they will be arriving on a later flight. He has a 4:15 appointment with Dr. Miller's partner to get checked out. From what I could determine, Peter, thankfully was not physically injured all that bad. It could have been so much worse."
"I'm glad it wasn't worse. Err hm. Is he really okay?" I asked while stifling a wave of sadness that came from thinking about how much worse, physically, it could have been for Peter.
"Honey, just be yourself, okay. Don't treat Peter as a wounded animal. Dr. Choi emphasized over and over again that we need to stay who we are, that Peter needs the stability and support but not a family that feels and acts like he'd been mortally wounded, or that we've been mortally wounded. I know it's hard but our being ourselves is as good for us as it is for Peter. Can you do that?"
"I'll try. I'm so angry. I should have gone, I SHOULD HAVE gone." I said with tears freely flowing down my cheeks.
"Jeremy, no, don't go there. Don't do that. The whys and whatfor's are not going to heal us. Guilt and shame will get us nowhere."
"We're all worried about him. I'll talk to the guys here."
"Okay. Just be yourselves. That's what he needs the most."
"We'll try, really we will."
Andy, Jason, Allen and Angel were anxiously awaiting my report, so I gave it to them, careful to emphasize that we are who we are, to not press Peter or David about their ordeal, and to let Peter bring up what he want's to bring up when he's ready.
With that said we tore into the house cleaning it up. We had not been very good about keeping things straightened up and tidy when they were gone despite Alice's labored suggestions.
After making sure the dining room was cleared for dad to stay in while he recuperated, I went upstairs to find Jason changing our sheets. I cleaned the bathroom in my room then took off to see what Angel and Allen were up to.
They were doing the same to their room. I let them in on what mom had sad about us just being ‘normal'. They were readily agreeable then continued on with what they had been doing.
Andy, bless him, had cleaned his room and was changing David and Peter's sheets, dusting and was just ready to vacuum the carpet. After hugging him seriously, and thanking him for his contributions, I took off for the TV room, where the major disaster had occurred. There were glasses, used plates, paper refuse, crumbs, and even several used condoms lying about here and there.
The night before, after turning the TV off, we, well we all got into a mutual jacking off session that quickly progressed into an all-out orgy, sharing partners however when the moment arose, we were with our life mates.
As I was reminiscing about our escapades, Jason came into the room, pulled me into a hug and announced, "I'm going home now. I have all of the sheets in the laundry. They're in the dryer now. I cleaned up the table next to the pool then thoroughly vacuumed it."
"Thanks for your help this morning. Did you have fun last night?"
"Oh hella yeah. My butthole's definitely sore <giggles> but I'll live <giggles>."
"Yeah, mine is too now that I think of it <giggles>. Between Allen, Angel and you pounding me …"
"Yeah, no shit <giggles>. I thought my cock was going to blow off and lodge in the ceiling, trying to reach that place in the sky … I'd like to do it again … ot oh. Looks like you have a little problem… bathroom."
Not saying another word, we took off for the bathroom where we tore our jeans down to our ankles.
Within seconds I was filled with Jason's tangy but sweet sauce, and within seconds of that I'd blasted his willingness. As I was returning from heaven and above the bathroom door opened. Quickly, I looked to see who it was… Andy was standing in the doorway with a totally bewildered look on his young face. I said, "Andy, I'll talk to you in a few minutes."
He nodded and closed the door. I heard his footsteps headed down the hall, probably to his bedroom but I didn't know for sure.
After cleaning ourselves up to a presentable state (to the outside the bathroom world anyway), Jason took off for home though he offered to stay and talk to Andy with me.
Talk about embarrassing moments. Andy was lying flat on his bed with his hand doing that which we guys are known to do every now and again, sometimes more often than not. Unfortunately for him, my presence interrupted his magical moment.
With the dear in the headlights look on his face, he quickly grabbed a pair of underwear lying next to his pillow and covered up that which designates him as male.
After pulling the covers up and over his rapidly wilting member he motioned for me over to sit with him. I did as requested and hopefully reassured him by saying, "You don't have to be embarrassed, you know."
Clearly embarrassed he replied, "Well, you know … I mean, well, anyway …"
"So long as we keep it in our bedrooms or the bathroom … private, in other words … and we don't force our sex on anybody … then have at it."
"You're not mad?"
"No way dude. So long as nobody's getting hurt, including yourself, then have fun with what comes naturally. I've done it for a long time. Andy, you probably saw me and Jason…"
Andy nodded curiously.
"Jason and I do things together. Okay, we want to do it. We are not forcing each other to do anything. I'm sorry you saw us… but we also have a ‘closed door' policy, which means if a door is closed then it's off-limits without first knocking. The people or person in there has to say it's okay to enter. That's the only thing you did wrong, but you didn't know the rule apparently, right?"
Nervously, Andy shrugged his shoulders and shook his head no.
"Okay then, you appear to have some questions for me." I said while patting his comforter covered knee.
"What you were doing to Jason… that hurts bad. How did he… I mean… you saw my dad… you saw me bleed and stuff…" Andy said with a pained expression on his face.
I regarded Andy carefully, all the while wondering what I should tell him. "Andy, what your dad did was wrong. You are a little boy. Your dad is a man… You did not give him permission."
Andy interrupted, "But he told me that he loves me like… like that… that I'm a good son…"
I replied, "Andy, that's fucked up. That's not a right thing for a father to do to his child. There are so many other ways to tell a child that they're loved. I mean think about it… does our dad tell you that he loves you?"
"Yeah, all the time." Andy replied readily.
"Do you feel his love?"
"He doesn't make you do sex things, right?"
"No way. He just tells me. He hugs me a lot too. I tried to touch him… he pushed my hand away and told me that he'd never ever do that."
A look of awareness passed over Andy's face. As if in slow motion, Andy retracted his hands and arms from under the covers and reached for a hug. Not only did we hug deeply but I kissed his cheek and whispered, "I love you, Andy. Nobody's going to make you do anything. Sometimes, we do what's called a circle jerk… you can join in if you want to but you don't have to because we'll love you anyway."
"What's a circle jerk?" Andy asked curiously.
"Good question. A circle jerk is when you jack off with people you trust. Sometimes you jerk yourself off and sometimes we jerk each other off. The most we'll usually do is sometimes suck each other off… but only if we want to and only if the other person wants to… do you understand? Nobody is made to do anything."
"Isn't that gay?"
"It just depends on the people doing it. We're gay, but straight guys do it too. Tell me something, and it's just beween you and I here right now… do you eat your cum?"
Andy smiled impishly, "Sometimes."
"So then, you don't think cum is nasty and dirty and all that other stuff people have hang-ups about?"
"Nah uh. It tastes okay. But does that make me gay? I mean I'm not gay." Andy said then throwing all care and concerns about his being naked from the waist down he reached across the bed, retrieved a magazine from under the mattress and returned showing it to me. It was a Playboy magazine.
"Ha, that's kewl. Okay, let me confuse you just a little more… I go both ways. That means I can do it with guys and girls. I've had pussy. I like pussy. I could never get enough pussy."
By now Andy's eyes were wide open. He was clearly confused. Okay, different track. "Andy, it's like this: I love Jason like a lover. He treats me better than any girl ever did, in or out of bed, having sex or not having sex. I love him. I've chosen to be with him. I'm not all caught up in that gay and straight argument people like to have at any opportunity. Do you understand now? If you don't understand then just say so."
"Oh okay. Yeah, I think I understand. I mean, well I get confused. Sometimes I think of a guy shooting his stuff on me. Sometimes I have my dick up a girl."
"Well, you don't have to decide now. You're only 12. Guys mess around with other guys, so don't worry. Just have fun. How long have you been shooting?"
Smiling, Andy replied happily, "A couple of months. No actually, I didn't start shooting until I came here to live … <deep in thought>. He used to suck me but he'd never let me get the feeling. He'd pinch my dick real hard or stick his thing up my ass. That hurt like hell, Jeremy."
"Like I said what he did was wrong on so many levels… I will admit, even when I'm used to it, sometimes it hurts. It all just depends if you're ready for it and are prepared correctly." I continued after he nodded, "That's kewl that you're shooting. I remember when I shot my first load out… I thought it was the best thing ever… and yeah, I eat my stuff too."
Andy grinned, gave me a high five then he settled down, formulating another question. When he didn't ask it in the allotted time (heh heh heh… 30 seconds maybe), I said, "What's your question, smart ass?"
"Oh nothing. Never mind."
"What's your question? You can ask anything, don't be afraid. Nobody is going to whip you or do those things… but I just might tickle you half to death."
He moved away but I grabbed hold of him and pulled his little body into mine and held him protectively.
He whispered in my ear, "You're going to be my big brother, right?"
"Probably. You'll be just as much of a brother as anybody around here. Andy, has anybody told you that they love you today? Nevermind, I'll answer the question for you…I love you. I hope things work out so that you are my real life brother, forever and forever and a million years more than forever." I said then kissed the top of his head and pulled him in tighter.
His arms went around my neck and whispered, "I love you too, big brother."
"We're going to be okay, Andy." I said then finding his lips naturally I kissed them quickly and gently.
"Yeah… we're going to be okay, big brother. Jeremy, I've never had a big brother in real life. Those assholes didn't love me. They said they did but they didn't. Like you said… we're not doing sex things… and I feel loved… and you feel loved."
"That I do, squirt."
Andy giggled, I couldn't help it. My fingers dug into his armpits which sent him into spasms all over the place. He threatened he was going to pee but I kept on until he did in fact squirt some on his stomach.
"Look at that… your peeing yourself like a little baby… which I guess is okay because you are my baby brother."
After the house was presentable and those who prefer to do housecleaning in the buff were dressed, we took off for the airport in my new truck.
Their flight ran a few minutes ahead of schedule. They were waiting just outside of the concourse doors with bags in hand ready to go. They looked tired but not overly so.
The trip home was filled with everyone catching the others up with what they had done so far that day. The mood was light however a tension was in the air but nobody said anything.
After arriving home, mom went to work in the dining room arranging things to her specifications so that everything would be handy and easily gotten to once dad got home.
About an hour later, David called on the house phone and said that the plane was about 30 minutes out and would be arriving in general aviation and that dad was with them. He further advised he and Peter were to meet a limo that would take them to University Hospital to see Peter's surgeon, Dr. Borkwin.
We arrived at general aviation just as David and Peter were getting into the limo. Mom ran to the limo just as it was getting ready to depart … the driver was very accommodating by helping mom into the limo and making sure her seat belt was fastened securely.
The rest of us took off for home once dad was situated and as comfortable as he could be without his leg elevated above his heart.
When we arrived home, dad was ready to take a dose of pain medicine. He soon fell into a dazed sleep.
We arrived at Dr. Borkwin's office a half hour late however the receptionist said that we were his last appointment for the day, to not worry about it.
The doctor asked mom and David to leave the room for a few moments. He asked me several questions, like if I was safe at home, and did anybody in the house do it to me with or without permission.
Hastily I replied that my home was my rock and my family was my hold onto reality.
"I just had to ask those questions, Peter. Sometimes a patient is not in a safe place, and sometimes adults do things against social norms and the law … that's why have I ask." He said.
After the examinations he said I had 3 small tears. Two of them were surface and the larger one was just inside. He recommended that David and I not have intercourse for at least 1 week, maybe longer. He left it up to me… whenever I was comfortable.
I got dressed while he was writing a prescription for some more of the cream that was helping the discomfort to lessen.
I went out to get mom and David; Dr. Borkwin wanted to talk to all of us together. Dr. Borkwin left out the sex part between me and David but did say that he wanted me to get some therapy then he was relieved when we mentioned Dr. Choi's name.
Lastly, he had the nurse draw a bunch of blood from my veins to evaluate my blood sugar … "One other thing while you are here … Dr. Miller, in your chart, has noted that you need a workup for your consistently high blood sugars. We had thought they were solely related to trauma however I'm not so sure that is the case. All we need to do is to draw some blood for analysis and have you give a urine sample. We should have the results by Monday. I'd like you to return then where we can go over the results and to take another quick look at your bottom. I will not have to scope you again unless you're having big problems. I do anticipate that you may very well have some blood on the paper after you evacuate, but that should go away fairly quickly, in a few days."
He asked if there were any more questions. I couldn't think of any but mom wanted to talk with him privately so they went to his office. A nurse entered the exam room and drew 6 tubes of blood from my arm. I had to pee anyway, so it was all quick and effortless. We made a follow up appointment at 9:00 for Monday morning.
By the time my appointment was completed, Jeremy and Antoine had returned and were just walking into the waiting room. Immediately, they pulled me into their arms and held on tightly. Jeremy apologized profusely for not being there for me.
When he regained a modicum of composure, I said softly into his ear "We'll talk about this more but for right now, I'm okay. David and I are okay too. Thanks, bro. I love you."
Mom dismissed the limo driver once we all got into Jeremy's truck without too much trouble. It was tight but nobody was complaining because we just wanted to get home. Period.
We were about 10 minutes onto the freeway when Antoine's cell phone rang. He pulled it out of his sock and answered, "Hello Father, how are you?"
"Yes, we are returning home now. Peter had a doctor's appointment…"
Antoine's grip on my hand tightened so much that it slightly hurt. I looked into his face… his features had gone from serene and anxious to get home to tight, disturbed, hurt, and then he closed his eyes as Father Ben continued to talk.
"I will be there as soon as I can." Click.
"Mom, Maria's home burned to the ground last night. Jesus has run away. I must go find him, immediately." Antoine said softly but deliberately.
Before mom could reply, because Jeremy had heard Antoine's pronouncement he very quickly and very dangerously, crossed 3 lanes of traffic and barely made the exit that would take us on to road to the mission. He barely missed creaming two vehicles in his haste. Thank God we were belted in.
Mom, scared out of her wits, admonished him furiously for his irresponsibility, of putting us all at risk of having a very serious accident.
Jeremy didn't really slow down until we arrived at the burned out remains of what had been Maria, Jesus, and AZ's home. The site was incredibly destroyed. There was nothing left of the structure, nothing, the entire place was totally incinerated.
Jeremy clicked the door locks. Antoine, ready for anything started to jump out but I grabbed his hand and hauled him for a kiss and to wait for me. Slowly we walked to the charred remnants of what had been someone' home. Almost reverently, we stopped at the little garden that was in front of the burned out shell. Unlike the surrounding areas, there was not one sign of soot or burned out debris within it.
Antoine said faithfully, "Jesus has been here. I must find him."
No sooner had he said that when Father Ben and Maria and AZ walked up the sidewalk toward us. He waived yet worry lines had caved in his face.
While Maria and Antoine were speaking Spanish Father Ben said, "As you can see… they lost everything of what little they had. Nothing was salvageable. Jesus was the hero. He woke up and roused his mother and brother up and out of bed. When I got here, Jesus was totally terrorized, gasping for breath from the smoke inhalation. EMS took about 20 minutes to get here. He was given forced oxygen, made to sit still for an hour then he took off. We haven't seen him since."
Antoine and Maria hugged warmly then walked over to us. He said solemnly, "I know where he is, mom?"
"Thanks for letting me know where you will be. We'll be going home shortly. Come home when you're ready."
Antoine nodded then took a step forward to leave but Jeremy stopped. He said to Antoine, "I'm going with you."
"I must do this alone." Antoine said with finality.
"We're going to be brothers. You do not have to do this alone. I am going with you."
Antoine thought for a moment, "Okay, let's go."
Jeremy and I took off after I told him that Jesus would likely be down at the rocks. Although we didn't run we did walk very quickly. At the ocean's edge we found Jesus' torn and tattered and somewhat singed on the edges clothing.
I picked them up and put them in my pocket. I called mom and asked her to retrieve some usable clothing from the clothing pantry in the rectory and leave them with Father Ben, please.
We looked up and down the beach which was beginning to darken as the sun was not too far away from setting, maybe 45 minutes or so, 60 minutes at most. We did not see him anywhere.
Jeremy asked, "Where does he usually go?"
"We must go to the rocks. Come, we must hurry. If he is not there then I do not know where he will be."
I put all of my training into control, leaving behind my emotional upheavals from days prior but Jeremy shattered my efforts by reaching for me. When I resisted he pulled me in to force hugg my shoulders. I gave in because I needed it more than I thought I did. Comfortingly he said, "He's going to be okay. Let's go get him and bring him home, together."
We took off down the beach looking right, left, straight ahead and even occasionally looking back over our shoulders in the event the boy came in behind us, or walking away the other direction.
He was not to be seen until we arrived at an outcropping of rocks. I knew the area well, all too well. It was where I had called home for a while. Ice crystals began coursing my veins knowing, all too well, that this area, with its razor sharp and knife piercing jagged rocks was no place for a boy to be on his own without guidance. Jesus was also a bit dramatic, and due to his difficulties acted older than his age.
The climb up looked somewhat daunting in that shadows were already beginning to develop. With the shadows comes slickness because of water condensation forming from fog that usually settles into the area each night. I debated about stripping down because my clothes were really too tight for comfortable climbing, for about 2 seconds, but decided against it and started the trek upward at almost a 70 degree angle. The rocks were indeed border lining on slick but I cast that aside though my care ramped up a notch or two.
As I ascended I looked all around in all directions hoping to find the boy who had became close to my heart and soul. I didn't see him anywhere, even higher where we normally did not go. Not seeing him I decided I'd go to the cave because sometimes we'd gone there just to get away from everything. I started to descend and then when I got to the point of no return Jeremy hollered loudly, "He's way up there left, at 10:30."
I looked up and left. My anus clutched itself closed with a vengeance. My heartbeat quickened, as did my breathing. He was sitting on a cliff with his legs dangling over the edge. He had his head down and was kicking his feet up against the sheer lava rock facing. I'd never been up that far in all of my travels. My senses picked up an air of malevolence which pushed my heartbeat and respiration rates even higher. I looked all around for a path leading up to that high place, knowing at the same time that there would be no path on the mighty mountain.
I looked back to where Jeremy had been. He was climbing the rocks. I shouted, "Stay down Jeremy, this is too dangerous."
Jeremy paid no mind to my orders and continued climbing. I looked toward Jesus. He was still sitting there, doing the same thing. I descended just enough to help Jeremy up and over the huge boulder so that he wouldn't have to walk or climb another 50 feet out of the way. He was winded. I was too but for different reasons.
Jeremy said, "How do we get up there?"
"Jeremy, this is something I must do alone. I have never been up there. You need to stay here in case… anyway we'll be fighting darkness soon. If we do not get down before dark please go ahead and get help. I don't know if I can get him out of there but I'll try, God only knows I will try. Please pray for him."
We hugged then I began a treacherous journey through the unknown. Each step was harder than the previous one. My endurance, my training, and my determination were being tested to the maximum. I kept wondering how he got way up there on his own but then remembered that determination will take a man far and wide to all ends of the earth, and back if he survives.
Slowly, methodically, carefully, intently I negotiated the very sheer, sharp, and at times jagged rocks, seemingly one by one, not knowing if the next step would lead to sure death from a fall of at least 150 feet straight down.
When I reached the summit, I had absolutely no idea how he got where he was. A crevice 8 feet wide separated us. Its depth was sheer, breathtaking. The jagged edges meant certain death if one missed a step one millimeter in any given misdirection.
For 30 seconds I contemplated and calculated an unmarked path to take. At no time did I waiver from my determination to take him out alive. I was just figuring out how to get to him. The sun was on a definite travel path that no wishful thinking, no praying would change, stop, or accept a request to hold off for another hour or two until we were safe again with a deeply troubled child, a child who'd lost his brother, his home, in a very tight period of time.
For the first time Jesus looked over at me. Although he did not need to shout because we were actually that close, he shouted anyway, telling me to get down and go away. With the waning sun shining directly on his face, I could easily see that he'd been crying as the tears provided a shiny surface.
"Jesus, it will be dark soon. The animals will come to get you and take you away to eat and then they will shit away what they cannot keep. You must not die this way. Dying this way will dishonor your brothers, your mother, and me. By the way… how in the fuck did you get up here? This climb, it takes a true warrior to travel successfully. You must guide me. I am weak and misguided."
Those words were absolutely true, spoken by a fearful boy-man, totally lost where it came to reaching that child perched high on a cliff that meant certain death should he lean forward too far, or fall backward and to his left.
Suddenly, I an overwhelming urge to pee. I turned to face away from Jesus, unzipped and took care of business, turned back around. He had stood up and was spitting goobers over the edge, laughing. Then he turned around to face up the mountain. I had no idea what he was doing… and I was getting very irritated at his antics. He then jutted his backside over the edge… and well… okay, I turned away but for a moment. He was looking in my direction at all times. I used my peripheral vision to keep track of his… and he was laughing.
I seriously thought that he had totally lost every ounce of sanity, if he'd had any at all given the fact that he'd gone to such lengths to be away from people.
Just then… as if Jeremy had acquired a helicopter to drop him down… he climbed up the last remaining inches, grabbed Jesus then quickly sat down. Jesus wasn't expecting that. Neither had I anticipated such an event.
Jeremy hollered, though he didn't need to, "Go down. There's actually a side path that comes right up here."
I'd taught Jesus how to climb the slick and treacherous and ragged rocks. I'd taught him the stamina required to accomplish such a feat. I'd taught him the mental discipline… necessary… and I'd taught him concentration.
Then it happened. Jesus wrestled free of Jeremy's grasp. What happened next I do not think was intentional but Jesus went sliding off the cliff but at the same time Jeremy caught Jesus' leg and was holding onto it in such a way that I knew the boy was safe at least for a little while, until Jeremy's strength faded.
There was no time for contemplation, admission of weakness, accomplishment or any other shit… I am surprised that I made it down, and in the ensuing darkness found a tentative trail that led between rocks and boulders, and went almost vertical. When I was about 25 feet away from where they were, Jeremy started screaming that his hold was slipping, and that his arms were about to fall off from the exertions and strains.
My legs were screaming from the same thing but my upper body was fine.
Without regard for my safety, I leaped that 8 foot caldron and miraculously landed on the very edge of the rock on the other side. My forward momentum kept me from falling back. Within 2 seconds I was below Jesus. We had about 3 feet between my nose and his feet. I said to Jeremy, once I got my feet squared, "Drop him."
There would be but one chance. If we were not aligned perfectly, if he wiggled or distorted his body but one inch then likely we'd both go down because I'd not let him go alone – I would use everything in my power, and then some, to get him to safety. There was no room for error. None.
I stretched my arms up to close the distance. We were still about 12 to 13 inches apart. That was not a good position to be in so I dropped down my arms and was starting to form a net when Jesus came flying down.
I caught him by the hair and his crotch, and then pulled him in as fast as I could, falling myself on the hard lava rock. But I had him. And he wasn't fighting me. Instead he grabbed my waist and squeezed as hard as he could.
Jeremy joined us. At his urgings and with his assistance we got back away from the edge and into a zone of safety.
"We have to get down. We have only 15 minutes or so of light left. It will take that long just to get down to the clearing."
Jesus released his hold on me. But I did not release mine. In fact I pulled him in tighter knowing the position we were in on that mountain, and what he had done before.
"What about your mother and brother? What will they do? Hasn't your mother had enough grief? Burying another son, that would too much for her. Do you want to shatter her heart in a million little pieces?" I said angrily, though I was not at all feeling anger. This boy, like me, had his whole life ahead of him.
"What the fuck do you care? My brother, the one you loved, is dead. I loved him too; I loved him more than life itself. You are strong, I am weak."
"Your body will be eaten by vultures. Your eyes will be picked out of your head. What is left of your flesh will rot. Nobody can get here, except you, Jeremy and me. Is that what you want? Do you want your little brother to come here to see his big brother dead like that? Will he jump to his death too, unable to deal with the loss of ALL of his brothers? Is that what you want?" I asked suddenly irritated as hell.
"Fuck you, let me go."
"I will not let you go until you answer my questions. Now stop fighting, right now. A warrior does not fight to cause death of his Sensei. Do you want to die a dishonorable death? Do you want me to see you die? I will never get over it. I will be a shell."
"You are strong."
"NO, I am weak."
"Bullshit. You are stronger than an ox. You are faster than a cougar."
"Yes, my body is trained to be strong and fast. But my mind is like a baby doe."
Jesus regarded me carefully, not really believing what I had just said. But it was true. I added, "I am weak, Jesus. I did not reach you in time. I am afraid."
"You are afraid?"
"Yes, I am afraid."
Efficiently, I turned him around so that his face was lying against mine, his body parallel with mine. Softly, I said, "You are strong Jesus. Your body is as strong as a leopard. You, like me, are weak <I pointed at my head then put my finger on his head>. Our weakness, our love for other people, is actually strength. Come. We must go now. We are warriors but we are human warriors."
You know, David talked about an angel holding him from harm's way during his ordeal. Oh I don't mean he was not physically and emotionally harmed beyond reason, he was definitely harmed, and those who harmed him will pay, and they will pay with their lives in one way or another. What is am talking about… is that we made it to the cave – in the dark, on the slick rocks, without falling to our deaths, without scraping anymore than we were already scraped, and with a semblance of peacefulness. It was like we were carried, yet we hadn't been carried, not at all.
I knew the cave like the back of my hand so we were soon settled in using the blankets I had used when it had been my home, where I had gotten deathly sick, where the angels had touched me in a way I'd never before been touched, where life ended, and where life began once again though not from a womb. As I'd learned long ago, the cave was cold, damp, and pitch black, though I easily found the blankets that I'd used to lay down on and put over my head and body.
Jeremy and I put Jesus between us, snuggled in and after a while, when they were sleeping soundly, my eyes closed, and I too then found solace in slumber.
In the cave, some distance from the mouth but not far enough to have to revert to spelunking, it is largely dark at all times so figuring out the time is nearly impossible. Jesus had his arms over my chest, still sound asleep. By the sound of Jeremy's snoring – he was also sound asleep. I seriously needed to drain the can so I worked my way out of the nest. The air was chilled and particularly damp. I made sure I had my cell phone as I would call home when I got out into the open.
The sun was bright and full. The sky was devoid of clouds. A light breeze swirled at the mouth. With my thing fully elongated, making a zipper pee impossible so I lowered the front of my pants and let it fly.
Relieved, I headed to the path that would take us out. I called home. Dad answered on the second ring. He was quite upset that we hadn't called last night until I fully explained what had happened, and why. He was still upset, but not as much. I told him we'd be home by noon. He was agreeable to that arrangement, and then said he'd calm mom of her worries.
Jeremy and Jesus were next… in fact I was somewhat startled when I heard water. When I looked up two very hard penises were sending streams of pent up liquids onto the rocks below them. Jesus smiled and waved. Jeremy gave a thumbs' up.
I returned to the cave to fold the blankets while Jeremy and Jesus headed down to the beach for an early morning swim. After folding the blankets and putting those in their designated place, I felt need so I found the local five star restroom that consisted of a hole in the floor that led to nowhere I could ever find and relived my other needs.
Jeremy and Jesus insisted that I join them so I stripped to my skin and joined them frolicking in the cool but comfortable water of the ocean. Much to Jesus' delight, Jeremy and I took turns tossing the boy despite his weak protests. Gone was the melancholy and depression of the night before. To hear his squeals and to see the light radiating from his deep dark orbs was comforting to my heart and soul.
Perhaps some of his melancholy and depression had rubbed off as I found myself less than the generally contented state of being. The thoughts and feelings of fear, uncertainty, questioning of my abilities was taking hold until Jesus then Jeremy began splashing -me-. That called for an all out splash war, well almost. Had I splashed in earnest then the boy would have drowned. It was all fun and did considerably lift my mood.
With massively burning eyes from the salt water and churned up sand we made our way to shore where we sat and allowed the sun to dry the water from our bodies.
Jesus and I, as we'd done many times, began our regimen.
I remained sitting on the warm sand where I observed them as they got into their routine. Jesus was quite obstinate which escalated to anger at his teacher, and perhaps to his entire world. I could understand why he would be obstinate and angry. He'd had many unfortunate and unfair events during his young life.
Several times, tears came to my eyes watching the intensity, the ferocity and passion of their sparring. At times, Jesus was not paying any attention to what Antoine was saying to him however Antoine would severely get his attention by tossing him down hard on the sand.
When Jesus' anger subsided, or because he was getting tired, I could not tell which for sure … Antoine began teaching him in earnest. The sight of their interactions was astonishing and moving. Often times, I had to look in a direction opposite theirs as I wiped my eyes clear of the tears that fell freely down my sun burned, wind and sand blown face.
After about an hour, Jesus laid down on the beach breathing uncontrollably fast. After no more than 2 minutes elapsed, Antoine grasped the boys' hands and pulled him to a standing position.
Jesus, while Antoine looked at me, threw a kick that landed squarely in Antoine's lower belly knocking him over onto his ass. Jesus then landed on him with his full body weight, with his knee clearly in Antoine's neck.
Antoine, easily and effortlessly, reversed their positions. Instead of pummeling Jesus, Antoine clutched the boy to his chest, got up then carried him out into the surf where they played as only two brothers could.
Quickly, I stripped off again after Jesus, smiling, waived his hand as an inviting gesture for me to join them. We played for quite a while, just enjoying the water and crashing in waves.
Finally, Jesus wore out then Antoine and I, together, carried the boy to shore where we all laid out on the beach enjoying the bright sunshine and breeze.
Once our breathing returned to normal, Antoine got up then moved Jesus' body so that his head lay in my lap. Jesus leaned into Antoine's ear and whispered something. I couldn't hear what was said because of the sound produced by crashing of waves close by and the breeze blowing into my ears.
Antoine then said to me "Hold him firmly, Jeremy. This will hurt him though the pain will all be in his head. Trust me."
With utmost reverence, Antoine crouched between Jesus' legs, spreading them widely to accommodate a ritualistic procedure that he was about to exact on the young boy.
"Concentrate on the sea gulls flying high above us. Find a star, lock in on it. Let your body go limp. Do not tense up because if you do then we will spar again until you tire again." Antoine said to Jesus softly, but loud enough to be heard over Mother Nature's voices.
Once Jesus relaxed, Antoine turned to me and said, "Hold his head firmly, do not let him look down."
I nodded then grasped Jesus' head firmly enough so that he could not move it.
To Jesus Antoine said, "Remain quiet little brother. You are to receive the honor of your manhood. The price is very high. You are a fierce warrior – I am proud of you. Be brave now."
Antoine looked deeply into my eyes questioningly. I nodded then grasped Jesus' head in my hands and lifted his chin up so that he could clearly see me. He relaxed as I began softly rubbing the sand off of his forehead with my thumb then I reached down and kissed it softly.
Antoine, carefully, meticulously and gently placed his hands on either side of Jesus' maleness then said to him, "Touch your penis, Jesus. Grasp it firmly with your fist, squeeze it purposefully."
"No, it will hurt." Jesus said quickly, pulling his hands up and placing them on my arms. He was shaking with fright until I said, "Go ahead and touch yourself, Jesus, you will be just fine."
Vigorously, Jesus shook his head no and clutched my arms tightly into his grasp.
"Do not be afraid, Jesus. You are strong, you are stronger than I. Touch your penis. It will bring you pleasure." Antoine said firmly.
"Nooooo. It will hurt me."
"Jesus, trust me. Your Sensei is my brother. He will not lie to you, his honor is great. Trust him." I said.
Vigorously, Jesus shook his head negatively.
I looked at Antoine. He had not moved his hands at all. He was not touching Jesus' manhood, not at all, instead he had his hands grasping Jesus' hips firmly simply to keep him from getting up and walking away while the boy came to grips with his fear, the fear Antoine had placed into him.
Having mercy on Jesus, thinking he may have needed a big brother to support him as he faced his fears, I leaned over and grasped the area of his penis just below its head and squeezed once, twice then three times. Once I felt the spongy material firm up, I let go then gently guided Jesus' right hand onto his pole. At first he resisted however I squeezed his boyhood once, twice then a third time.
Jesus began to raise his head but I quickly held it back so that he could not see what was happening.
"Go ahead, Jesus. Touch it. Feel it. Squeeze it. Do not be afraid, child."
When he tightened his grasp on me again, Antoine gently reached his left hand up, took Jesus' right hand in his then gently but firmly brought Jesus' hand down and over his chest, his belly then rested his fingers in his pubic patch.
Jesus was quite erect. It appeared to be twitching, keeping in time with his heartbeat. I urged his hand deeper into his little bush until he touched the head of his penis which was reaching up, trying to nestle into his hand.
Jesus' eyes went wide open then he tried to look down again. Once again, I held his head firmly in my lap denying him the opportunity to see his elongated organ.
Curiously, he did indeed grasp the upper third of his 4.5 inch, fully erect cock then he looked at me in surprise.
"Shake it, Jesus. Shake it awake." Antoine said distinctly then spread the boys' legs apart even more. Antoine gently kissed each hip then leaned back while rubbing Jesus' hips and thighs gently.
Obediently, Jesus did in fact begin jacking his penis in earnest. His head dug down deeply into my lap as the pleasure from his cock became far too overpowering for his little body to handle. Tendrils of offering ejected from his fully pulsing erection struck his chin, chest, belly then it dribbled down into his pubes.
Watching the miracle occur in this child caused me to erupt my stream of nectar out and onto the sand and onto my thigh. Gush after gush, pulse after pulse emanated out of and through my cock until there was nothing left. Antoine, seeing all of this happening in front of his eyes, grasped hold of his fully elongated tube, stroked it no more than twice then erupted his own geyser shower of white hot molten cum. Stripe after stripe of his offerings struck and landed on his lower regions.
When Antoine recovered enough, he nodded toward me. At that time, I released Jesus' head from my grasp. Quickly, he looked down then slowly but meticulously he daintily ran his index finger through a glob of the white, glistening results and brought it to his lips, as if he were taste testing something new for the very first time, ever. A dawning of awareness overtook him as he entirely consumed his offerings.
Jesus, fulfilled, crawled into Antoine's lap and quickly fell asleep.
I asked Antoine, "Why did you do that to him? It's wrong to force him into something he clearly did not want to do. Please explain."
Antoine nodded knowingly. He said, "The boy's aggressions are directly related to his frustrations as a budding male. Sure, he's masturbated when he could no longer stand the tension in his body. Masturbation is totally normal, and is required of our gender. The problem has been that he's always felt tremendous guilt with bringing pleasure to his body, mind and soul. Today, with our support and encouragement we passed him into his natural state. We did nothing wrong to him. We did not bring him pleasures. We only encouraged him to find his own, in his own way. He will be okay. He is not destroyed." To Jesus he said, "Come on little man. We must go now."
With that said we got dressed – Jesus in his rag-a-tag shorts, and Antoine and myself in our expensive clothing, be damned the salt and sand which covered our bodies.
Father Ben, AZ and Maria enthusiastically greeted us, though she chided Jesus for not returning home.
As if he had a very sharp sword Jesus' words to his mother savagely attacked her when he said, angrily, that he had no home to go to, that he had no food, and that his father and his brother were dead, and that his oldest brother Pedro was in jail.
Maria broke down into tears, crying so hard that Father Ben had to assist her to a chair so she could sit down. Seeing her still swollen face and bruised arms, and knowing that she had essentially lost two sons, and a husband, I physically grabbed hold of Jesus and toted him to the swing set and harshly chastised his treatment of his mother, and the world in general. I told him, in no uncertain terms, that his behavior was not only unacceptable but that it must immediately stop else I was going to kick his ass to Hilo.
He took me up on my threat. Within 3 seconds he lay prostrate on the ground, put there so fast that he didn't even know what happened until he was there.
I then taught him the difference between shame and guilt by saying shame is something our individual self or someone else puts on us whereas guilt is something that we feel when we do wrong. I taught him that his anger and aggression was to be taken out with discipline, at all times, that any further reports of his negative deportment would be met with swift and severe consequences.
His whole attitude changed.
He knew what to do with the guilt at hurting his mother to her core.
He took my hand and led us into the rectory where Father Ben, AZ and Maria were waiting. He made his amend, a heartfelt one. Being his mother she readily forgave him of his derelict and misguided ways. Father Ben led the boy in a contrition prayer, which we all joined in on.
Jeremy took his leave when Jesus asked me to bathe him. I chided his boyish ways but Father Ben reminded me that Jesus was indeed a boy, that he needed me more than I needed him, to give of myself, and that I could and should use my ability to love to all who ask with good motives and intentions. He then told me that I must forgive Pedro if I were to live free of the hate that I carried inside my heart. He then mortally wounded my plans to severely hurt, harm, or if I felt the need arise to kill them, one by one, piece by piece.
That was a bitter pill to swallow. I felt bile rise into my throat. But then he took it home: as a warrior I must teach Jesus the way of honor because it would be through me that he would see.
Father Ben took me into his arms. A chill ran up and down my spine. I shuddered violently. I fought within myself, complete with screaming, gnawing and scratching. Twice, I tried to remove myself from his grasp… but he was not holding me to keep me from running… instead the warmth emanating from his soul calmed my spirit.
As did Jesus, I walked away from Father Ben's parlor with a whole different attitude and perception of true forgiveness.
I knew that more work would be required to fully release all the anger and angst within my soul. Father Ben, sensing my determination, said, "Give of you, Antoine. Your gift is not that of retribution, rather it is a gift of love and companionship, of peace. You are a peacemaker, Antoine. Use it wisely."
Truth rang from his words. Sensei had taught me that but I was young, and I was not properly listening. Father Ben's words touched my soul.
When we reentered the kitchen, Jesus was sitting on his mothers' lap chatting away as a child would do. It was then that I realized he was a boy, emerging into a boy with many uncertainties and filled with ignorance, and on his way to a man.
He got off his mother's lap, walked to me, leaned up into my ear, and said, as a boy, "Give me a bath please."
I was temporarily swept off my comfort zone but then remembered how Mildred and my mother gave to me of their selves.
What that thought and feeling deeply imbedded, I pulled the boy into my side, put my arms around him and led him into the bathroom, closed the door, gave him his bath leaving out no part since we were both males.
By the time his bath was complete, it was getting on noon time. After I got dressed, I carried one naked and squealing boy to the clothes pantry, retrieved clothing adequate for him to wear, helped him to dress much to his dismay, and then we headed to the main floor where mom, Matt and Jeremy were patiently waiting for us.
Jeremy was driving his truck. Mom was riding shotgun in the front seat while Matt and I rode shotgun in the backseat. I apologized to both for not calling to advise them of our whereabouts, and why we didn't return home.
Mom said to all of us, "Boys, I'm cooking up a plan. I am going to talk to Jim before I say anything further about it. Antoine, I'm so proud of you. I don't know what you did, I don't need to know but Jesus is a different boy altogether than when I first met him."
"I didn't do anything, mom. The boy, Jesus, did it all alone. I was just there."
Jeremy loudly exclaimed "Bullshit."
After carefully regarding Jeremy's choice of words, mom unhooked her seat belt, turned around in her seat to face me, looked deeply and intently into my eyes then deliberately proclaimed "Yes, Jeremy is correct: bullshit."
To be continued