My boy was anxious for me to get home. He couldn't possibly have been more anxious than I was to be where I would be with him, making our home.
I called his mother. We talked for a while and it was her idea that I take the boy to live with me, but only if I was to stay and settle down. She simply said that the boy and her were growing apart because of his burgeoning adolescence, independence and the fact that he'd come out as a gay teenager.
The last piece of her 'reasons' pissed me off a bit so we ended up arguing when I told her that he was just like any other boy, that the only difference I could see was who he chose to sleep with… you know, instead of Cherrie he's be sleeping with Jerry… like that.
She didn't hate gay people… she was just having a hard time with accepting that HER child would be 'like that', as if he had some kind of physical disability, or some other shit that sets him apart.
The argument went nowhere… we ended up slamming the phone in each others' ears.
Whatever the fuck… I'd make sure that my boy was reasonably happy, contented, and safe and secure within himself… all that good stuff that I had only hoped to have given him all along.
I didn't give a rat's butt who my boy had sex with so long as he was happy. The 'whoever' had to, of course, pass my inspection and gain my approval. Okay, so I'm a bit controlling… whatever.
The big bird lifted off then immediately turned north and west to get out of Cuban airspace as quickly as the aircraft would get with it. Although many of the country's officials were behind us there were probably just as many who weren't. Not everybody got paid off.
The guys and gals in the other craft were staying behind to gather physical evidence, to clean up the mess for no better descriptive word, and to shut the operation down. Perhaps they'll even blow the fucking place off the map… I could only hope.
I called Jim after we were airborne and into international waters. Sort of a perverse sense of accomplishment pass through my bones while recalling and sharing the rather pleasurable to me, and painless to them, 'dismissal' of those fuckwits who do, and who did, and who would most likely continue doing bad things to kids.
When I told him of the issues between Harry, the ex and myself, I decided to actually go forward with the plans he and I had only kind-sorta, kinda casually talked about before. Actually, settling down would require convincing the department of justice of my good intentions, and getting some legal issues adjudicated and resolved.
Before terminating the call Jim informed me of what had happened on the beach. He emphasized that Harry seemed pretty unsettled because of those events. He and his kids were handling the situation as best they could but that my boy probably wouldn't okay until he saw the whites of my Mexican eyes. Not a problem… I wanted to get home just as badly as he wanted me home.
A couple of hours later the aircraft landed in Norfolk for refueling and then it would be heading us to Washington DC so that the injured kids could be transferred to the best military hospital in the states.
The President had delayed the beginning of his vacation to be on sight for the op. He said that I would be accompanying him to Honolulu on the presidential airplane. I hated diplomatic flights. After a big op all I had ever wanted to do was to dress down to my skivvies (or less if a person of the female persuasion happened to travel with me), toss back some brew, and perhaps even smoke up some particularly good shit.
He said my flight home to Hawaii would be productive though he couldn't or wouldn't (probably wouldn't) say just how productive it would be until I landed my feet in Honolulu.
I decided to travel to Bethesda with the kids while the president fiddle fucked around doing presidential things. Since rush hour was over, ground transport got me and the kids there pretty quickly. The other kids, the ones who were not physically injured were going to be given a bed for a few days while they were being evaluated mentally and physically, and then would be held for an indeterminate period of time while dispositions were made. It all sounded so damn cold but there really wasn't any other alternative.
Just as we were making ready to go back to Washington to pick up the presidential plane and fly to Hawaii a young boy, maybe 15 years old, walked up to me and identified himself as Chase Andrews. He was a pleasant enough boy. For being through all that he'd been experienced in his short life, Chase was refined and reserved, well mannered, and well groomed. He had a ready smile yet there was darkness in his soul… though it had a trace of hope deep within.
We talked for a while then he dropped a bombshell: he was Donald Sandstone's "kept boy".
Because of the sensitive nature of his disclosure I pulled him off into a conference room to talk to him more in private however we'd keep the door open for obvious reasons, reasons that he understood. There was quite a bit of traffic traveling up and down the hallway, so, while we were alone we really weren't. As much as I would liked to have sat him down and had a close two way conversation, what he had just said … I just couldn't take the chance of him doing 'something' that he'd done to his deceased 'employer'… bad deal.
His story was that he'd been 'kidnapped' by the younger Sandstone when he was 9 years old. I use the word 'kidnapped' only because it is a formality. He had actually been a street kid who was fetched up without argument. He was immediately put into the trade of pornography and carrying drugs domestically and internationally on his person. (I wondered if he knew Antoine). He had gotten sick on one of his 'trips' but instead of being tossed out at the side of a road somewhere. The elder Sandstone kept him and got him medical care. The younger Sandstone used the boy for his own sexual gratifications. When he was released from the hospital Sandstone put the kid heavily into the porn business, making the old man a ton of money then in return for regular and rough sex was given an apartment where he lived with 7 sometimes 10 other boys who were also in the trade.
As we continued our question and answer discussion, much of it he voluntarily shared, I kept thinking of Hal and his wife Ruth. They'd wanted more children than Stevie but were unable to have them, for whatever reason.
I didn't say anything to the boy about my thoughts but I did tell him that I'd look into some things. I gave him my phone number and told him to call me in 1 week. He didn't mind me taking his picture, from the chest up. I assured him that his picture would used only to identify him, that I was not a child marketer. I hoped he believed what I said because he really was a good kid with a tough past.
I secured my weapon and then offered a hug to a young person with a ray of hope. He readily accepted.
Five minutes after he'd left the conference room I called Hal. At the same time I transmitted and he received the boy's picture along with my brief one-moment synopsis of him.
I made it back to Washington just in time to catch the diplomatic flight to Honolulu, to home to be more precise.
I liked the thought of having a real home. And, I really liked the idea of sharing that home with a boy, my son. That boy's name is Harry Q. Cisneros.
I was too tired to socialize with Mr. and Mrs. President so I retired to a guest suite on the 757 equivalent sized aircraft. I poured myself a stiff drink, stripped and took a long hot shower, got into bed and watched some satellite TV. At some point I fell asleep but awoke often, usually with a nightmare of seeing each of those injured children. Knowing that they were being well taken care of allowed me to fall back off to sleep. But I kept waking up.
I was awoken by the pilot speaking on the loudspeaker at 6:30am, 2:30am Hawaii time announcing that we were on final approach, and that if we chose to, to fasten the seat belts.
A knock on my cabin door interrupted my getting dressed in the fatigues I'd worn the previous day. I did put on my pants before opening the door.
I was greeted by a Chinese woman who handed to me a change of clothes, all inclusive. She smiled and departed but not before saying that I was invited to breakfast on the island with the president.
Actually, I just wanted to get to Jim's to see my boy, to feel his arms around my neck holding on tight, to smell his aroma, and to hear him say, "Daddy!" "Dad" would work too.
The motorcade took us to The Grand where we disembarked. We were quickly ushered into the restaurant (that was closed, reopened for the president, of course) and seated at a large table in the back of the place. I excused myself to pee because I figured our meeting would take quite a while… and besides I needed some coffee to get the heart beating.
When I entered the restroom, a flying bullet whizzed directly at my body ninety to nothing. My arms were nearly broken off, and I have very strong and large muscular arms, as a 13 year old boy came crashing up and into my chest, nearly knocking me off my feet (and I have big feet). That flying bullet was none other than my boy.
"How did you get here? Why aren't you asleep? I mean I'm glad…" I said, to no avail.
"Dad, don't go there." My son said after he backed up just enough for eyes to meet.
My sole purpose for returning to Hawaii was present and accounted for. My boy was in my arms hugging my neck with all his strength, which was plentiful.
Antoine and Matt were standing by the wall, smiling, observing, approving, and feeling our reunion. Those two boys were so much in love. How can anyone say 'that love' is wrong?
The boy then got down, went to a urinal and peed.
Once we were all washed up we headed to the table where Mr. and Mrs. President, Jim and Peggy were awaiting our arrival.
During breakfast, I gave a very top view of our op, placing emphasis on the fact that no trial would be necessary to determine the guilt or innocence for the Sandstone's. The women didn't really understand how that could possibly happen but Antoine looked into my eyes – he saw the truth. He exchanged a quick kiss with Matt, smiling broadly.
Antoine's smile suddenly vanished. His smile was replaced with grave concern. I got up as did he. I went into full alert mode, pushed him behind me so that I was between my hosts and the threat. Quickly, I turned around and saw two dues with black suits and conservative ties. I reached for my gun that I kept in a holster on my back but remembered that it had been dismembered and stowed away in a safe on the plane.
At the same time they drew their weapons but did not aim them because there were civilians and the president behind me. Had they shot my ass with those massive weapons… well the results would have been disastrous for all concerned, no doubt.
Mr. President said, "Stand down Cisneros. Those men are from the state department. They are cleared to be here."
The two suits holstered their weapons. I sat down but Antoine remained standing 'in stance'. "We're clear, stand down." I said seriously, but only loud enough for him to hear.
"Please join us." Mr. President said to the suits.
Introductions were made. The men were all business. One of the men handed Mr. President a manila folder filled with documents which the President removed and began signing.
When finished Mr. President said, "Mr. Cisneros, my office and the entire federal government is indebted to your service. As you know, I have taken a person interest in the kids and their welfare that were rescued from horrible conditions."
"Well, thank you Mr. President. I was just doing my job, really I was. Quite frankly, I had no idea this was a US government op. In fact, as you can well imagine, I likely would have declined the operation."
"Yes, I am aware of those difficulties, for lack of a better word. Mr. Cisneros, I have signed an Executive Order to provide you with immunity from any of those difficulties. Secondly, I have signed an Executive Order that restores your US citizenship without restriction. Jim and I have spoken. Jim?"
I looked at Harry. He had this puzzled look on his face. I gave him one of those unfamiliar to me looks that hopefully said something like, "We'll talk about this later."
He shrugged his shoulders.
I had a lot to learn.
Jim said, "Juan, Antoine speaks very highly of you. <The boys looked in our direction at hearing Antoine's name>. The President speaks very highly of you. And … my instincts tell me good things about your character, loyalty and forthrightness."
"Thank you sir."
"Juan, one of my departments headed up by Fugi Hosomoto has grown exponentially. He is being torn in many directions. Our company is growing. It is expanding into foreign markets. Mr. President has indicated a desire for us to expand into one particular area of our world where we've not had much luck getting into."
"As you might expect we ran exhaustive searches, including all civilian sector, military and justice department records. Let's just put it this way… you, obviously, were cleared to ride cross country and trans-Pacific with our Commander in Chief. My offer to you, and I hope you will accept it is this: We would like to bring you on as our Director of Special Operations."
"Well, thank you, sir. Thank all of you for being here. And thank you Mr. President for clearing away the rubble of my past. Truly, I really appreciate all that you have done for me and my son."
"Mr. President, I accept both of your Executive Orders. I was wondering how, in the long term, it would work out with my living here… and getting work… and having my son with me. As you may or may not know I have been reunited with my son Harry. I promised him that I would remain here, get a regular job so that I was home every night, and would be around for him for as long as he needs me. No sir, it is me who is indebted. I am now able to fulfill my promise to my son without fear of deportation."
I looked to Jim, "Jim that sounds like a fancy title with lots of paper work. I have to tell you that I have always left the paperwork for others to do. And besides, I cannot be cooped up in an office all day… that's just not me."
Antoine spoke up, "Juan, I think you'll like the job… if you'll just listen to what dad, Jim is saying."
Harry didn't help matters… none whatsoever. He got up and sat on my lap, pulled my arms around his shoulders and held on firmly. I chucked and said to Jim, "You were saying…"
The three boys walked to a nearby booth because our meeting was boring to them. It was soon very quiet 'over there' so Peggy got up to check on them. She reported that they were winding down and anticipated that they would soon be sleeping.
Our meeting broke up at 4:45am. The president was escorted from the cafeteria and whisked away deep inside the hotel, probably to the presidential suite. Well duh anyway.
As Peggy had predicted the boys were asleep though they easily woke when told it was time for us to catch a flight to Maui.
No sooner than we were seated I had a 13 year old boy in my lap, wrapping my arms around his body. He was out like a light within 2 minutes of getting 'just right'.
Jim and Peggy, sitting across the aisle nodded approvingly at seeing us snuggled together.
Thank God the pilot turned off the lights because otherwise I would have been observed wiping water drops away from my son's arm.
I got to thinking… there I was… a highly trained paramilitary hard ass who did anything so long as the price was right. Yet there I was cradling my son's body close in to mine, making him feel safe, loved, cherished, and all the stuff a dad is supposed to do. Since my dad had died when I was very young, I had no lessons in fatherhood to work with.
Perhaps I had reached the ultimate mission in my life. Likely so.
The ride to their place was essentially silent. We were all too tired to carry any conversation so we just rode along in a companionable silence. It worked.
Harry was basically worthless when it came time to walk into the house. Miraculously, he 'd awoken for just enough time to allow me to get out of the vehicle. He then backed up into my chest and began slumping… heh heh heh… my boy.
That earned him a carry upstairs to the bathroom. I couldn't just abandon him… he looked like he was going to fall over, just standing still with his eyes closed in front of the toilet.
I said, "Unzip, whip it out, pee, we'll take care of the rest." I said seriously. I wasn't about to do 'that' for him.
He finished 'that' in short order, washed his hands and then slowly walked to Antoine and Matt's room then plopped on the bed and gave me that 'puppy dog' look.
"You're 13 years old, right?"
"Okay, well, 13 year old kids are supposed to take their clothes off all by themselves, right?"
My question earned but a quick shrug of his shoulders.
"Just this once. No more!" I said while at the same knowing from somewhere within that it would not be the last time.
Shoes, socks, jeans, polo shirt… gone. Much to my surprise he lifted the waistband of his underwear and sent them down his legs and off to the floor, covered up then rolled onto his side facing me. I reached down to kiss his cheek, and do so, and at the same time I said, "Harry Boy, spelled h-a-i-r-y b-o-y".
He rolled his eyes up then slammed them shut. Within seconds he was asleep.
I had sensed Antoine and Matt behind me, I started to turn around and said, "Since when does he sleep n…"
Matt grinned, "I guess we taught him a habit."
Both boys were naked. Without saying another word, they crawled into their bed and cocooned my boy into a nest like creature of arms, legs and torso's intertwined together.
The sight was beautiful. I made a hasty retreat. But then returned to their bed. Antoine reached his arms up for a hug which I both gave and received. He said, "I love you, Juan. Take good care of your son."
"Yeah, that's no problem."
"I know. You're a natural. Good night."
It was 6:00am. The day was just starting. I should go get busy with the contractors. I should go check on my son. Oh way, I just put him to bed. He's okay.
All those things were going through my head as I undressed, as I hit the head to pee, as I crawled into bed, as my eyes closed… "Hmm…"
Harry's moving around woke me up. He was sweating a little bit. Obviously, he was having a bad dream so I wiggled him to wake up. He was quite scared. I knew what he meant… I was still very unsettled from the activities the previous day. I was sure that Harry was still upset by it too since we really hadn't had a chance to really talk about what happened.
I used the sheets to wipe his forehead, face and neck free of perspiration. He said, "Will this ever end?"
"What's that?" I asked not knowing what he meant.
"Sometimes I get scared too. I'm learning to talk about what I'm afraid of. It's helping me to do that."
"Are you scared now?"
"Yeah, a little bit. Okay, yeah, I'm afraid. What are you scared of?"
My friend brought his hands up and covered his eyes. He started sniffling and furiously wiping his eyes. I reached for his hand and put it on his stomach so that his tears would flow. My own fell at remembering what had happened the previous day. And they fell more because I knew what he'd seen when… when… when…
With a shaky voice he said, "Did you get scared yesterday?"
"Yes, I did, very much so. I was afraid of what was going to happen to you and my brothers if I didn't do something. I never intended to hurt him that way… but I had no other choice because he was so much bigger than me and he was not listening to anything. I think he disjointed his body and mind."
The boy started crying full out. Light little sobs escaped from his chest. I pulled him in and rested my hands on his upper body as he let his fear escape. When he could speak again he said, "I was so afraid… I was afraid you were going to get killed."
"I thought so too. But we're okay now."
"Yeah, I guess so. Would you get mad at me if I went to be with my dad?"
"No way would I be mad. Do you want me to go with you? I'll walk you to his room… in fact I insist. Let me tell you something… your dad is a mighty warrior. Sometimes mighty warriors react to a touch they are not used to, especially in the middle of the night when it's dark. I will teach you how to wake him up so that no danger comes to you. He would not mean to hurt you… it's just a trained response. You ready?"
"Yeah, let me pee first."
I looked at the clock. It read 9:30am. God, I was so tired. Matt was still soundly sleeping. I became overwhelmed with love, seeing him lying there sleeping so peacefully, so I leaned in and lightly kissed his lips, whispering, "I love you."
Harry returned, took my hand in his, and allowed me to lead us into the hallway.
"Watch me. Be very quiet."
We stole very quietly into Juan's room. I took hold of Juan's toe, wiggled it then replaced my hand with Harry's and said to pull very firmly. He did it just right because Juan sat straight up in bed. I slunk out of the room and closed the door behind me.
"Hey buddy. Thanks Antoine, I've got him now. Good night."
"Good night Juan. Good night Harry."
Antoine left, closing the door behind him.
I pulled my son into my arms. He grabbed my neck. My boy was shaking. Thinking he was chilly I urged him down into the covers. It was then that I realized he was without clothes. My first instinct was to get him some but that was not to happen. He urged me to lay down with him. I didn't really see a problem since I had my shorts on so I laid down and somewhat nervously snuggled him into my arms.
Almost as faint as a mouse cheeps he said, "I'm scared dad." His little body shivered but then his breathing became deep, regular, rhythmical, and a faint snore would happen on a particularly deep inhalation.
I laid my head down and said to myself, "I get scared too, child." Putting voice to my next words, "I love you. Good night."
Several hours later, Matt woke me by getting out of bed. He hurried into the bathroom and soon the sound of pee hitting the bowl filled the air. I was fully elongated and needed to pee also, so I joined him.
Unlike David and Peter, who keep their body lotion in their nightstand table, we keep ours in the medicine cabinet above the sink. Matt took hold of my fully elongated male gland, twice squeezed it firmly, and at the same time opened the door and retrieved the bottle. He then seductively wiggled his eyebrows. I took hold of his butt cheeks and squeezed firmly.
What a way to wake up and begin a new day.
I was very quiet at breakfast… Harry kept looking at me with sadness in his eyes… but it wasn't the kind of sadness one experiences when they are alone, depressed, suffering, or anything like that… I was feeling like I needed to talk to someone but couldn't or wouldn't or didn't know what to say… that kind.
Matt had his hand on my thigh and was rubbing it softly with his gentle hands. He was sending me something but I could not tell what it was.
"May I be excused?" I asked then got up and went to my room and on into our bathroom without waiting for an answer.
I sat on the toilet and did that which needed to be done. Instead of cleaning up after such a function I just sat there as images from the previous day kept playing over and over in my mind. Mainly though, my arm ached like it was being shot through with electricity… it's hard to explain.
A knock on the outer door to our bedroom interrupted my melancholy. Quickly I tore off an appropriate amount of bathroom tissue and took care of that matter.
After flushing the refuse down, I got myself together. I went to the door, opened it and there stood dad on his crutches. "Is everything okay? You were very quiet at breakfast."
"Dad, you shouldn't be on your leg like that… you climbed up the stairs…"
"Yeah I did. Can I sit down for a little bit before we go back down?"
"Sure… come on dad. You're going to hurt yourself."
Dad patted my back and then he made his way to our yet unmade bed. The sheets needed changing. Quickly, I pulled up the covers to cover the wet spots then urged him to sit.
After he sat he took hold of my elbow and urged me to sit with him.
"What's up son? You're not yourself. Is it about yesterday?"
"Dad… dad… I have never been so afraid… afraid… for… for… for… my brothers… I… I… I…" I could say no more lest… lest… I talk to him about what really happened, what I really felt yesterday.
Just as my resolves were about to crumble Juan walked into the room, sat down on the bed next to me and said, "Debrief, Antoine. Talk about it or it's going to eat you alive. Now is a very good time… it is as good a time as any. Your dad and I are here for you."
Just then Matt walked into the room, dad said, "Matt, can we have a few minutes alone with Antoine?"
"Yeah, sure, no problem, are you okay baby?" Matt asked tenderly.
I shook my head no.
Don't tell Matt to go or leave me alone when things are bad. I'm the same way with him. Matt closed the door, walked over and plopped down in front of me and then urged my head onto his shoulders, at which time I began sharing my fear and sobbing my eyes out about all the people I had taken out over the years. Dad and Juan had their hands on my back. My face was in Matt's neck. He was running his hands over my face, not to wipe tears away, rather he was encouraging me just like Juan and dad were – to let it all out, to not hold back.
A few minutes later, during the peak of my release, mom entered. Quickly she walked over and sat between dad and Juan, urging me to the floor. Matt backed up and wrapped his arms around my midsection. Mom slowly and methodically began rubbing my back and shoulders encouraging me to just let it all out.
When I regained a modicum of composure, interrupted by snotty sniffles every now and again, mom said, "I didn't know you were holding so much inside, my son. I hope you'll come to us sooner when something's on your mind, okay?"
Juan spoke up, "Peggy, Jim, boys who are taught the way of the Ninja are trained to be strong no matter what. It's not even good for an adult to hold in what we hold in but it is what it is."
Juan continued, "Antoine listen to me carefully, it's worse when we're taught as very young children to hold our stuff. I have been waiting for a moment like this for you for a long time. Child, you are more of a man than me. I cannot release my emotions… except yesterday I did after those children were rescued… there were 31 little boys and girls we had to extract. Three little boys were shot and suffered very serious wounds. They shall thankfully live. So the dangers and perils were all worth it. Your Matt, your brothers and your friends are alive too. Sometimes, what people see and think and believe about human is so skewed that it is above their comprehension to understand. You, like me cannot just stand around and watch someone being harmed. It's just not in us, and it doesn't have anything to do with our training … it has to do with what kind of people we are."
Dad said, "Son, I have no doubt that you saved your brothers from grievous injury, or even worse, yesterday. I'm glad you were there… but then again I wish none of you were there… but that's not life. We have situations come up each and every day that need our attention and action. Antoine, I'm going make an observation here… please do not feel insulted because I do not intend to hurt you in any way…"
"I know you wouldn't hurt me dad." I sniffled as the enormity of what they were saying sank in.
"We haven't known each other for very long… sadly… but we're making a go of it. I can't imagine life without you. You are a part of us whether or not you know it or approve of it… what I'm saying… specifically… is that I'm seeing you grow younger rather than older. This is a really good thing for 2 reasons. The first is that you are growing younger to make up for those years that you had to act like an adult. Secondly, you're starting to feel your feelings… and you are starting to have feelings. They might be a bit confusing at times… don't worry we adults have confusions too."
Mom said, "Honey, do you feel like you need to ask for forgiveness?"
"I don't know mom. I mean… in my heart I know I did what I had to do yesterday… but…"
"Uhm hmm… I do not doubt that what you did yesterday was necessary… what I'm saying is that maybe your heart and your mind are in two different places… that is what confusion is all about."
"Yes, that's how I feel; I should go see Father Ben then. Matt, do you want to go with me?"
"Yeah, sure, of course… I'm with you all the way about anything… you'll need to talk to him alone though. I'm okay with it."
Mom said, "Okay everybody out. I'm going to give my son a back wash. It's going to be our time alone time."
Matt and I kissed firmly as dad and Juan left the room. Chuckling, Matt said, "Enjoy your mommy time. Love you."
With that said he was out the door and closed it behind him.
I said to mom, "Mom, Matt and , we've been together… you know… this morning…"
Mom replied softly, "As you should. Making love, physically joining our bodies with the someone we love is a very pleasant way to strengthen the unique bond that binds us together. You are not to be ashamed of your love for your someone, no matter what."
"Mom, are you ever disappointed that we won't be able to give you blood grandchildren?" I asked quietly. It was a question that I'd thought about periodically.
Immediately she answered, "No. How do you and Matt feel about possibly having children? There are ways where gay couples can donate sperm into a surrogate mother, or in the case of lesbians to receive donated semen."
"I'm sorry mother; I do not see myself with a woman, ever, not like that. I'm afraid we would be childless. Matt feels the same way."
Mom snickered, "Well honey, I don't see myself having a sexual relationship with another female so I understand how you feel… what is the word you guys use all the time? 'Yuck'. Is that correct?"
"Yeah, yuck is right." I said grinning… of course I was grinning too because she was washing my arm pits. Then she added snickering, "Nope, no hair up here yet."
"Mom, you're kewl. Thanks. Would you do this for Matt sometime? I think he needs his mom's touch too."
"I'd like that. Should I approach him, do you want to talk to him first, or how should we work it?"
"We don't take too many baths… I don't really know the answer. You kind of volunteered, like your mom did for me, and then when she passed away that day… well you kind of just continued in her footpath."
When she was ready I raised one leg then the other for her to wash, up to mid thigh. My maleness was a perfect little angel… it kept its cool, calm and collected self, it did.
Then it was time for the luxurious back wash. I leaned forward, closed my eyes and simply enjoyed the firmness of her hands, yet they were soft too. It was just right. When the time came for my back side she simply handed me the soapy wash cloth. After a kiss and a heartfelt thank you from me she took off and I completed my bath.
As I was getting out of the bathtub Matt appeared in the doorway, helped me to finish drying, kissed my lips, and then dropped off his shorts and underwear and said, "Mom's going to give me a bath… I love you."
"I love you too."
I kissed him tenderly but quickly so that he wouldn't have something to be embarrassed about, not that mom would make fun of him or anything… she'd seen me elongated a few times but not on purpose. Mom would never do that… it wasn't even a thought.
I went downstairs. Dad and Juan were in dad's office. I poked my head in, not intending to stay since they were busy working on some things. I said, "I just wanted to thank you for speaking with me… I'm okay now. I really am. I feel free of those burdens but I'll talk to Father Ben anyway… he will probably have additional insight. Dad?"
Dad looked up. I walked to him and automatically he put his arms around my shoulders and held me firmly then asked, "How are your ribs today?"
"Uhm, well they're sore but not so bad that I can't handle it. Mom massaged my chest and well, Matt gave me… uhm… natural pain relief." I said, snickering.
Dad play smacked my naked butt then sent me on my way.
I went out to the pool. Angel was sitting quietly by himself. He looked deep in thought but looked up when I entered the area. His smile was radiant. When I walked to him he reached out for a hug. Gladly. He asked, "Are you okay, bro? I was worried about you."
"I'm good, thank you. Angel, are you okay with what happened yesterday?" I asked while picking up a bottle of body lotion, squeezing some out in my hand with which I began rubbing the sand burns on his shoulders and one side of his face.
'Yeah, dad and I talked this morning. Antoine?"
"Yeah bro." I replied, sitting down next to him on the chaise lounge, putting my arm around his shoulder and squeezing lightly.
My brother put his hand on my biceps and leaned his head down and kissed my skin. His eyes had tears in them when he lifted up. Knowing what he needed to do, I pulled him in and held him as he shared his release. I kissed his forehead, telling him to just let it go, to not hold anything back. He said brokenly, "I was so afraid for you, my brother. I really was. I saw him hurting you… I saw you on the ground he was going to… he was going to… please don't die, okay… I haven't known you very long… I love you bro."
"I love you too Angel. I have to admit that I was very afraid… I was very afraid that he was going to hurt you and my brothers… and yes, I was afraid for my own life. He was very strong… he was like a bull with disease. I need to tell you something… he was like a devil… and evil one. I've never seen that amount of hate in someone's soul as I saw yesterday… that scared me the most, I think. I am still processing it." I shivered at recalling the look in Daniel's eyes.
I reached over, grasped Kleenex and proceeded to wipe his eyes free of their tears then gave it to him to blow his nose. When all was cleaned up and the tissue dropped in the trash can he leaned in; we kissed and hugged again.
He said, "Thanks bro. I needed to know for sure that you're okay."
Just then David, with his crutches, entered and sat down next to me. He leaned in, kissed my cheek and put his arms around my shoulders. We hugged deeply and then I kissed his lips and said, "Hey bro, are you okay this morning?"
"Yup, Peter and I talked with Dr. Choi on the phone… we're fine. He wants to talk with you when you get a chance. He's just really concerned. Are you okay, bro?"
"Yes, I am okay. Dad, Juan, mom and I talked this morning. I was very upset but I feel okay now. I'll talk to Father Ben later today… speaking of – it's about time for me to go… Matt and I are going to walk to The Mission and spend the day. Have you seen Andy?"
"Yeah, he's still asleep. Harry's with him." David giggled and said, "Those boys look good as a couple, ya think? Come on, wanna see?"
I smiled. Angel, David and I took off, meeting Allen and Jeremy as we headed up the stairs. They followed us up. Their door was open so we stepped in and observed them spooned together. Both were sound asleep so we didn't bother them.
I went into our room and got dressed. Matt and mom were talking in hushed tones so I dressed quickly and left, giving him the same courtesy he'd given me earlier.
When Antoine left, I sat down and with some difficulty released that which needed releasing. As usual, though not a problem, I was very sore from making love with my soon-to-be husband. I shivered at thinking of the complete feeling of contentment that passed through my body, from the tip of my hair to the ends of my toenails.
When I'd gone in the bedroom to get something, I didn't even remember what I was going for, I overheard my baby and mom talking in hushed tones. I walked to the door where I saw them talking and mom giving his bath, something I'd not experienced before. But then again, the bottom line was that she was 'really' his mom… they knew each other longer… and well, if my baby was happy then that was all that mattered.
I quickly left them alone and headed to David and Peter's room. They were just straightening up their room and David was putting on his leg. They looked up, smiled and invited me in. David patted the edge of the bed next to him so I sat down at his invitation. We hugged deeply, kissed briefly then Peter reached in for a hug and shared a seriously meaningful kiss on my lips.
David spent the next few minutes answering questions about his leg and showed me exactly how it worked by flexing his hip and thigh muscles, how doing that caused his leg to respond.
Peter sat down at David's other side. Simultaneously, we, Peter and I began tickling our brother without mercy, making him beg for us to stop. It was all in fun… it was just some seriously needed brotherly fun messing around time.
They were headed downstairs and I needed to talk with Antoine before we headed to The Mission for the day. Mom was just coming out of our room. She grabbed me up, hugged deeply enough to not soon be forgotten forever… okay, well I liked her hugs so I'd probably need to give and receive many before 'forever' got here, if it ever did.
Mom pulled me to her, rubbed my back and looked into my eyes. She said, "Honey, you and I need to spend more time together. I guess I've been caught up in quite a few things… would you mind if I washed your back. It's becoming a family tradition around here."
"Yeah, I'd like that. Thanks." I said, thinking that's what I get for thinking.
Mom's bathing was like nothing I'd ever received before.
We talked about a few things, nothing really earth shattering or worthy enough to write about here but they were important to us because we were just talking one-on-one.
I did tell her that I was actually glad to hear that Bo had died, and how he'd been taken out. Somehow my story felt vindicated in that I wasn't the only one… don't get me wrong – I didn't want to see other people, kids hurt and harmed… oh I don't know what I'm trying to say. It sounds selfish of me… never mind.
By the end of my bath I was getting a bit pronged up so mom washed my back and left the room while I washed south of the border, rinsed and got dressed.
I felt good, and I was especially happy that my babe was working through and putting into a better perspective of what had happened the previous day. I hoped that he never had to do anything like that again.
We left the house about 9:30 and headed toward The Mission, sauntering along, minding our own business, just enjoying our time alone, the ocean, the waves that were coming into shore, the mist and spray, and seeing two ships way off in the distance to the west.
Matt asked, "Do you think they're going to Pearl Harbor?"
I replied, "Most likely. Pearl Harbor is a major shipyard; it is the last port before the west coast of the US."
"I'd like to go up there some day… maybe dad will let us take a day trip… I hear it's pretty awesome… it's a big part of our country's history."
Father Ben had told me that the boys would be down at the rocks retrieving artifacts, special rocks, perhaps some driftwood, hopefully a star fish or two, and anything else that caught their attention that would look nice in the new garden the boys were working on. They also wanted to get some, if not all of the ingredients from their old home garden to put into the new one. We were going to transplant some of the vegetation as well.
When we passed the dunes where we'd had the problems the previous day I became a bit wary even though the event was over, the assholes were either in the hospital or on a slab in the coroner's office. Matt, as if he were sensing my wariness, put his arm around my back, squeezed the muscles on the side of my waist then playfully let his hand migrate into the insides of my cargo shorts, and then in another motion put them between my skin and underwear.
I looked all around then after not seeing anyone, stopped and pulled Matt into my arms and kissed him passionately, like there was no tomorrow, like there was no yesterday or the day before or the week before or the years before. We'd part, walk further down the beach and stop and kiss in the same manner once again… and so on and so forth.
Maria had scolded the boys to wear clothes while construction workers were working on our homes but they largely ignored her by shedding their clothing once out of her sight. The same was true that morning… they were buck ass naked retrieving treasures from the shore. When we met up with them they had handfuls of shells of varying sizes and shapes and were walking to the new place. We followed them. Their garden was just about finished but not quite because the vegetation hadn't yet been transplanted. I suggested that we transplant first and then fill in the bare areas with additional treasures. That idea, suggestion met with their approval.
I told them we'd return after greeting Maria and Father Ben so Matt and I headed to the rectory.
We were warmly greeted by Maria who was hanging clean wet clothes on the clothes line to dry. I was very happy to see that the bruises that had been prevalent since the day of her attack were fading away and just about gone.
Father Ben exited the building he resided in, walked to us, provided hugs and invited us in which we did after helping Maria lift and pin to the rope a heavy wet comforter.
As usual Maria had baked up her special pastry so we sat down, had two apiece along with a glass of milk while we talked aimlessly.
Word of events, good or bad, travels fast on our side of the island despite the few inhabitants. Father Ben began turning the conversation toward the conflict. We talked about it. When we were heading to deep territory Matt excused himself and took off to help the boys with their tasks.
Father Ben and I took off for his office, the parlor where we talked much more in depth. I told him I was having a very hard time with shedding the evil that was in Daniel's eyes, filling his spirit.
Because of confidentiality concerns, he was a bit vague but I received the message loud and clear that those twins and their smaller brothers to a lesser extent had been abused in horrific ways by their birth father who was spending the rest of his natural life behind bars, away from society. He did confide that they had transplanted from a southern US state where hate, bigotry and inbreeding was not out of the ordinary so when they moved to Hawaii there were quite a few cultural differences that they couldn't or wouldn't understand.
At the end of our conversation he provided the act of forgiveness sacrament. I don't know why but I felt better after receiving it even though everybody had told me that my acts were fully and completely justified.
We decided to go visit the construction site, to check on its progress. Maria was sitting in the glider swing looking out over the ocean and keeping track of her sons who had taken a break and playing on the shore and in the water. Said, "Those boys, I cannot keep clothes on them… the construction workers, they concern me."
I reached down and kissed her cheek. I took off to where the boys were playing. Their clothes were scattered here and there, obviously they'd been in a hurry to shed them. I gathered up their underpants. They interrupted their play-time. I chided them to wear at least their undergarments while the strangers were in the vicinity. Eager to please me they put them on, urged me to join them which I declined simply because I didn't want to leave Matt and the adults alone. Since I had on white shorts and a shirt they didn't push their hugs but I could see them in their eyes. We did, however, kiss cheeks, and off they went to continue their scavenger hunt.
Matt and I then took off for the rocks where we'd spend some quality time alone. After the event with Jesus the previous week I had to take the extreme measure of forbidding their going there alone so I wasn't all that surprised to see them running down the beach after us. Of course as soon as they were out of eyesight from the construction area their clothes went off their bodies and were tossed aside to nowhere in particular. Matt giggled voraciously and then began removing his clothes until only skin was present. He was fully erect. Seeing that I was way outnumbered I joined their naked bodies frolicking around in the buff.
The ocean felt very good and invigorating. We went out pretty far, maybe a hundred yards or so, jumped waves, and had a really good time. Several dolphins were in the area however they stayed away though I wasn't concerned because they were playful creatures.
Following our play time we got out of the water, sat on the beach to dry, and then thinking nothing of our state of dress (or undress as the case was) we went rock climbing after putting on tennis shoes so our feet wouldn't get cut or abraded. We found several rocks the boys liked, toted them down to the base of the terrain then went for more. There were a couple of rocks we all liked however they were too heavy to just carry around on our backs or in our hands so we left them for another time.
Once the treasures were gathered up, the boys, Matt and I performed our routine then spent some more cooling off, unwind and play time back out in the ocean. I guess you could say that we were natural born water rats.
When the sun was at high noon Matt and I got dressed and helped the boys carry some of the various treasures to their clothes. They got dressed, at least in their underwear as we passed their clothing by.
We helped them arrange the garden spots however they always had the last say so, especially Jesus, because they wanted them just so so.
Maria had fixed jalapeno rice and beef strips for lunch.
Juan arrived just as we were clearing away the dishes. Of course, despite his having previously eaten he accepted Maria's offer to eat the remaining food she'd prepared. Once all food was consumed Juan, after the boys exuberantly told him of the special rocks, took us off in his Jeep. Between his strength and to a certain extent mine we retrieved and loaded up the two special rocks the boys had selected, and took them to their new home. Because the boys could not in any way lift them or even arrange their positions, Juan and I did an okay job of placing them in strategic places that met with the boy's approval.
Despite protests that he was hurting me, Peter pummeled my ass without abandon. I was scared shitless. He'd never done that to me before. As he drove into home plate toward and during his orgasm, he was relentless. As hard as I tried to get comfortable, I could not and just took it since he would not, perhaps even could not hear me. The second he reached his pinnacle, when he was basically unconscious with orgasmic high, I pushed him off and away, got up, grabbed my crutches, went to the bathroom, closed the door, sat down on the potty, deposited his load and whatever else needed to come out. I just sat there feeling totally numb though my butt hole was on fire. Each bomb felt like a rolling pin with splinters on all sides sliding through that tight passage.
I wanted to cry. I needed to cry. Not from the pain but because of the pain in my heart… why? Why would he do that? But the tears would not come.
Gently, I wiped my bottom with a generous amount of tissue paper. Normally, I don't pay much attention to that stuff but I looked at it and found blood, lots of blood. I looked into the water. It was clear except for… whatever.
I wiped two or three times then went for a fourth time. The fourth time was dry. That gentle paper felt like sandpaper against those very tender anal tissues.
Despondent, I got into the shower, cleaned up and saved my butt for last. I wasn't sexually stimulated, not in the least but I squeezed my dick several times trying to get it interested… I wanted something to feel good. Yeah, it got hard as a steel pole but my butt was pinching up too tight so I abandoned my efforts.
I could not get out of my mind what my Peter did to me. It was like… err.
Then suddenly I got pissed as all hell. I had no idea that he was capable of doing such things. Tears began freely flowing not because I was physically hurt but because of his brutal attack on my feelings and person, and because I was pissed off. I began beating the wall with my fists trying to get past my feelings. It's a miracle that the ceramic tile didn't shatter from my direct and fierce reactions. I hoped against all hope the anger and disappointment would soon pass. Thankfully it did pass.
Very gently I washed my butt area but couldn't help but to continue thinking of the event… I wondered to myself if what he did was rape. Dr. Choi had mentioned that a rapist usually attacks his victims because they need power over him or her.
So… what power did Peter need? I'm his. I will always be his until the day I die. Why did he force something we both normally love and enjoy… WHY? !!
I rinsed, dried off with a towel mom had left for me, retrieved my crutches, headed into our room, put on underwear and my Leg, pulled on a pair of white jeans, an orange polo shirt, and my tennis shoes. I needed to take a walk to clear things in my head. I didn't want to talk to mom and dad about my questions quite yet… and I didn't want to talk to Peter about it.
He wasn't in our room. Where the hell was he?
I didn't even bother to make our bed… the memories were still too fresh to even give a damn so I headed out of our room intent upon getting the hell out of the house. But he was entering our room. I didn't even stop, walked past the dude I loved with all my heart… but he put his arms out for a hug. Instantly I was totally pissed. I screamed, "You fuckhead, you hurt me, and you didn't even give a fuck … and now you come in here wondering what the hell I'm upset about … well, fuck it, I ain't doing that shit so just get the hell over it because everything is JUST FINE!"
I pushed him aside then made my exit, went downstairs only to find mom sitting at the bar eating a granola bar and sipping on a cup of coffee. I said, "I'm going to be out for a while… I'll see you later but I don't know when."
With that said I headed to the garage… I really thought about taking mom's car for a ride however that thought was interrupted by her words, "Honey, is there something on your mind that you need to talk about?"
"No. I need to work this out." I said. The idea of taking the car for a spin evaporated so I just stood there for a moment as the tears began to spring forward. I was faced away from her but I guess something showed through that I was upset because she walked over, put her hands on each shoulder and then began rubbing them in little circles. Usually when she did that I was able to relax… but not then.
She said, "Maybe I can help but I won't push you to talk. I'll be here though when you're ready."
Dad came to the door, he said, "Is there something wrong… David, Peggy?"
"I'm okay. I just need to work something out." I said then headed out the side door to the terrace we hardly ever used, sat down on the steps leading down the yard, began crying uncontrollably, and beating my hands on the wood decking until I could not beat any more. I dried my eyes with the back of my hand. I needed to blow my nose so having no Kleenex around I did the farm blow like I'd seen dad and grandpa do countless times… so I leaned over, pinched my nose shut and blew hard sending a huge goober to the grass.
Dad said, "That's pretty good. Hey bud. What's up?"
"Dad, I just want to be left alone for a while, okay?"
"Let me know when you're ready… I'm here. When you're ready…"
A few minutes later, Angel came out. By then the strongest of the emotions had passed, and left me tired and sore.
"Nutten, I'm just chilling out for a while, sup with you?"
"Dayumm dude, you guys were really into it this morning. We heard you down in our room, and our door was shut. That's not normal dude … you were screaming for him to quit. Allen and I got out of bed; we went to you guys' door only to find it locked…"
"Yeah, I'm sorry for the show, dude. I was just getting ready to go back in. We have a birthday party today. I'm gonna help set up. Ya ready?"
"Yeah, Cole and the rest of their gang are supposed to be here around 4. Jason and his family are supposed to be here at around the same time. Everything's set for a surprise party."
"Dude, I'm here for ya. Allen is talking to Peter, asking him if everything is okay."
"Thanks bro, but we'll work it out."
With that we hugged, briefly pecked a kiss on each others' lips and went into the house where we each went off to do some last minute things. It was hard to do too much because dad was always 'in the way', or so it seemed. Have you ever tried to get ready for a surprise birthday party where the birthday 'boy' was around in your hair? Yeah, one of those deals!
Besides that, my butt hurt, and my disposition sucked even though I carried on without anybody catching on. (At least I thought nobody caught on).
The combined party for dad, Andy, Robbie, Big Matt and John was a huge success.
Dr. Choi and Alexander showed up just as the celebration was winding down.
We all sat down to a wonderful bar-b-q that Horace, Jason and William had cooked up.
When the guys all went out to the pool to hang and play once the proverbial hour was up, I sat on the bar stool and listened to the adults have fun, occasionally I was brought into the conversation, however, it was short lived as they would go on to other topics.
Finally, after several of those episodes, I got up, went into the bathroom, dumped a searing, scalding hot load into the sewer system, wiped up, and after seeing the tissue smeared with blood, I flushed then went upstairs to the main bathroom, got out the medicine that Peter had used, applied some to my bung and went into my bedroom where I lied down and promptly fell asleep.
Sometime later, I could not tell you how much later, I was awoken by Peter, "Hey dude, you're missing the fun. We need you to play soccer with us, our team is lopsided, and we're getting creamed."
"Sorry dude, I'm not in the mood. You guys will have to do without me."
"Ahhh, come on, we need you." Peter said while taking hold of my hand and urging me to get up.
"I am NOT playing, deal with it." I said louder than I anticipated, it sounded almost like a shout.
Peter let go. He looked hurt. I saw it in his eyes; he didn't say a word though, he just turned around and left our room. I heard the sound of pee hitting the water then silence.
I fell back to sleep, but not for long.
"David, can I come in?"
The voice belonged to dad. As I opened my eyes, he was standing in the doorway. I nodded. He sat down on the bed and began rubbing my shoulders and upper back.
"What's up son?" Dad said while kissing my forehead.
"Nothing dad, I'm just tired today for some reason."
Dad lay down on the bed, snuggled me in close with his strong arms, and remained silent.
He has a way to get to me every time. I couldn't hide… he'd always been that way, even when I didn't want him to be. I didn't want him to be there yet I did too. I felt myself tense up. I felt that lump filling my throat, the pressure in my chest was trying to strangle me, and then the pressure cooker blew its lid… with tears streaming freely out of my eyes and onto his arm I said, "Dad, what do you do when someone is hurting you, and they don't mean to – I mean they would never intend to hurt you, but they are? I don't know what I'm trying to say."
I took a deep shuddering breath then tried to get up but my arms and legs felt all tingly in a way that I'd never felt before… I sat up on the bed, rubbed my eyes vigorously to stop crying and leaking tears.
Dad moved on the bed and wrapped his one arm around my waist. He said, "Whenever you're ready to talk I'm here."
"Dad, David… we need you… oh shit… bro, what's wrong?" Angel said apologetically.
"I'm just stressed out, bro. Thanks but I don't want to talk about it, not yet. Why don't you guys just leave me alone?"
I got up, went into the bathroom, shut the door, whipped it out, and dribbled a few drops until I could relax 'enough' to let the stream flow – relief.
When I returned Angel was gone but dad was still on the bed, looking at me, inviting me to sit down.
I sat on the edge of the bed. Very softly dad said, "David…"
"Okay… dad, Peter raped me. He wouldn't stop." I said evenly, devoid of emotion. There. The word was out. It was said.
"Oh my son, I'm so sorry, are you hurt?" Dad asked while pulling me into his side despite my weak protests. His strong arms felt good… yet…
"A little bit… I mean there's some blood… you know… after I uhm… dad… it hurt… he scared me…"
"Has he done this… before?"
"No… I mean he's been rough… but nothing like this… dad, I swear I would have hurt him bad… I mean if I could have I would have…"
"David, I need to tell mom. Dr. Choi's here too. Would you talk to him? What I mean is that this is what the doctor does… he'll have more insight… but I'm here. I'm always here. David, right now I need to talk to Peter… he cannot be doing this… I won't have it."
"Dad, don't kick him out. Something's wrong. He's not like this."
"I'm not going to kick him out… but he cannot do this. It's wrong. I'm going to send mom up…"
With that said dad left my room. I laid down wondering what the fuck was going on, and why.
As I was lying there thinking, Peter came sauntering in. When he saw me… the bounce in his step left. He slowly walked to the bed. I said calmly yet decisively, "Peter, get out of here. Leave me alone… just go away… I'm not ready to talk about anything."
"David, what happened… why are you being like this to me?"
"Because you fucking raped me you idiot… get the fuck out of here… just go."
Just then Jeremy entered my room. He took hold of Peter's arm and led him out, somewhat forcefully, much to Peter's protest.
But my baby wasn't like that…
But he did…
My head was exploding… I got up and began pacing the floor… back and forth and back and forth, over and over again.
Mom arrived, pulled me into her arms. She whispered, "Dad told me what happened… and that you were hurt… can I have a look-see? … Then we'll talk."
"You have some minor tears… they're consistent with forced sex. I'll be right back with some medicine. I'll put some in you then we'll talk."
I whined, "Mom, I've already put some in there."
She gave me her "do not argue with me" look. I laid down on the bed.
The medicine made the sting go away but it didn't help my breaking heart and shattered brain. I said, "Mom, why did Peter do that to me? I mean he's never been that way before."
"Honey, I think he's angry inside… do you think that maybe he could have faded out?"
I thought for moment before saying, "I didn't think about that… that would make sense… but he's never done anything like that before… I mean, yeah, we sometimes… well, you know." I didn't want to share those intimate moments when we did vigorously get into our lovemaking… but those times didn't really hurt.
"Honey, I'm going to run this past Dr. Choi. This is something that has to be worked through?"
"Yeah, dad said the same thing… okay, mom, thanks, I love ya." I said feeling a glimmer of hope.
"We've got a birthday party to attend… shall we?"
The birthday party was kewl. Gifts were exchanged. We ate too much of the Tres Leches Cake Maria had made up especially for the occasion.
Peter stayed away from me… in fact he pretty much stayed in a corner away from the festivities, and Jeremy stayed between me and Peter for the most part. Jeremy said, "He's really sorry… but he doesn't remember anything…"
"Thanks Jeremy." I walked to Peter and said, "We need to talk about this but not right now. Look, something very bad happened… can we talk about it later?"
Peter replied, "I'm scared."
I kissed his lips assuredly, stepped back and replied, "Me too."
We were just getting ready to go to the pool when dad and Dr. Choi approached me. Dad said, "I've kind of filled in Dr. Choi about what happened."
"David, can we talk alone for a little while… I may have some insight for you." Dr. Choi said clinically.
"Sure. Let me just tell the guys I'll be out later."
Jeremy was standing watch. I walked to him and said, "I'm going to talk with the doctor for a while. Love ya bro."
We hugged for a long moment then headed inside.
Dr. Choi, Alexander and I walked to dad's office where I closed and locked the door. I motioned to Dr. Choi to sit in dad's office chair. Alexander pulled up a chair and sat down. I took a seat opposite them and got comfortable. I nodded for him to begin because the words escaped me that I wanted to say.
Dr. Choi started out, "David. Your dad and mom have told me the gist of the issue, but I would like to hear it in your own words, please."
"I love Peter very much, Dr. Choi. I've got his back, and always will have it. I don't know how to deal with what he's doing though."
"Yes, I know, but I would like to hear exactly what's happening. I can't really help if I don't know."
"Dr. Choi, to put it flat out… Peter hurt me today…"
Dr. Choi looked up concernedly. Alexander moved to the edge of his chair. Dr. Choi asked, "How is that, David? I'm very concerned."
"Ah hmmmm, erm … well, sometimes he hurts me when we're making love, when, you know, when I'm the 'bottom'. Well… He's basically fucking me. He's not making love. He pounds me so hard. I love him with all of my heart, but it's like he's raping me … remember when you helped us before… you … oh I don't know. The only thing I know right now is to not even have sex with him … not that way anyway."
"I think I understand now, David. Thank you. I know that was difficult. When it's happening, does he respond to you when you talk to him?"
"No. I was screaming so loud this morning … my brother Angel heard me screaming. He and my Allen tried to get in but our door was closed and locked… I thought that we were going to spend some alone time last night but he went to sleep."
Dr. Choi rubbed his chin for a moment before saying, "David. This sometimes happens in cases of trauma. The person, in their mind, relives the incident. Almost in a trance-like state. It can be very dangerous. Especially for you. We need to bring Peter in, is that okay with you? I am going have you tell him exactly what's happening. Hold nothing back. Tell him about the physical and emotional parts. Tell him exactly how he's hurting you."
"Okay, I guess. Please don't hurt him though. I don't want him to hurt anymore than he already has … but I can't do this anymore. I'm all swollen and stuff. There was also a little bit of blood on the… Mom said I have some minor cuts. She put in some medicine… I feel better."
Alexander got up, saying, "I'll go get him. Wait here. I'll be right back."
I poured Dr. Choi a cup of coffee from the carafe then grabbed two Cokes, one for Peter and one for me then grabbed bottled water for Alexander.
A few minutes later Peter and Alexander arrived. Peter was wearing an old long black t-shirt of dads. He stopped at the entryway at seeing Dr. Choi and I. I got up and urged Peter to sit in a chair next to me. His shirt rode up his back revealing his naked butt. When he sat down I arranged the shirt so his front wouldn't be on display if he moved around too much.
There I was: fussing over him. I loved my baby. I really did.
"Hi Peter. It's good to see you, come in, and have a seat. David, close the door please and we'll get started."
Alexander got it.
Peter looked at me curiously, and after seeing the same concern that I was feeling, "What's up with you guys? David, what the hell's going on here?"
Dr. Choi interrupted, "Peter, David has been talking to me about something that has been happening that I'm not sure you're aware of, even though you're involved. I am going to ask him to tell you, in detail, exactly what has been happening. I want you to listen to him without responding until he's done. Can you do that for him?"
"We can talk about anything. David…" Peter said.
Turning to Peter I said, "I love you but you are hurting me when we're having sex, when you are inside of me. You don't hear me screaming for you to stop. I can't and won't do that anymore. I'm sorry Peter. I don't know how to talk to you about it other than to just say what I'm saying right now."
Peter, very upset, said, "You could have at least talked to me about it, alone."
"I've tried talking. You act like it's not even happening. Well, it's happening. I need you in me MAKING LOVE, Peter. Right now I feel like I'm being raped."
Ragingly, Peter said, "You have NO fucking clue about what it feels like to be raped. I would NEVER EVER DO SOME FUCKED UP THING LIKE THAT TO YOU! What the fuck … Dr. Choi, tell him. David, you are so full of shit…"
"Peter. Listen to him. He has no reason to tell you something that isn't true, and if you look deep into yourself you'll see what he's talking about. Once he's done, I'll tell you what I think is happening and how you can work through it."
"No, fuck this shit. Why are you fucking doing this to me? What the hell, David."
"No, wait. Look at me. I love you, Peter Scott Blake."
"Well, shit, I love you too but what the fuck are you doing … what the hell man, people who love each other don't do this shit to their soul mate." Peter said angrily but he was no longer raging.
"Just shut up for a minute. Let me show you something."
I got up, walked to the table behind dad's desk, reached down unplugged a small lamp. I took the thing over to Peter, plugged it in and then lowered my pants and underwear. I spread my cheeks and said to Peter, "Look Peter. Look at me carefully."
Peter touched my cheeks, pulled them apart some more so that he could see my inner recess. Upset he said, "David, no, I didn't do that, I couldn't have. No, you have a cut … the lips are all swollen up. Dr. Choi, tell him I wouldn't do something like that, please."
Dr. Choi replied to Peter's question, "Peter. I told you before that we didn't know what, or if, anything would come from your trauma at the detention center. We do know that your blackouts were caused by Post Traumatic Stress. What I believe is happening is, when you and David begin the act of lovemaking, you, totally unintentionally, slip into a mode we call "Transference". That is where your subconscious takes over and you start acting out how you are feeling. In your mind, the person you're having sex with isn't David, but the one who raped you. I would like you to think about that a moment."
While Peter was deep in thought I sat lamp on the floor and turned it off. Tears were streaming from my eyes… I couldn't stop them. I didn't want to stop them.
"David. Are you holding up okay?" Dr. Choi asked professionally.
Alexander caught my attention by pointing to Peter. Dr. Choi and I simultaneously looked at Peter. He wasn't there. His eyes were vacant and staring straight ahead.
I turned to Peter and said, "Peter, come back to me. Don't go away. Peter…"
Immediately, Peter looked down and projectile vomited all over his legs and the floor. Dr. Choi reached for the trash can and placed it before Peter.
After a few more gasps and exertions, Peter sat upright in the chair. He had a look of surprise on his face. He was back.
I got up, took hold of Peter's hand and took him into dad's bathroom where I removed his shirt, wiped the mess off his legs then used soap and water.
Peter asked softly, "What happened? Did I do it again?"
"Yeah… you did, babe. Here let's put a towel around you."
When that was accomplished we returned to dad's office where Dr. Choi and Alexander were waiting patiently.
"I think by your response, Peter, you realize what you've done. Now, it's not the end of the world. David. What I am going to ask you to do is difficult. Peter, you will have to agree to this. Sometimes Physical stimulus is enough to break through the trance-like state. David. Next time this happens I want you to strike Peter. Not with your fist, but with an open hand. Like this…"
Dr. Choi turned to Alexander then smartly popped Alexander's face with his open palm to show what he meant. They then both looked at me and then to Peter and then back to me. I replied, "I can't hit him. I'd never forgive myself for doing that. Isn't there some other way?"
"David. You couldn't, and shouldn't ever hit anyone in anger. This isn't the same. What you are doing is merely breaking the trance. In essence, it's not Peter you're hitting. It's the suppressed psyche of his rapist. I know it sounds harsh. The only other alternative isn't pleasant. Peter could easily be labeled a danger to himself or others. None of us want that. To be honest… this will only have to happen once or twice before it breaks the cycle, then you can get back to who you are. I know it's distasteful, David. But realize that as things are going your relationship will be doomed. By taking this drastic action, you can help Peter get over his attack and the two of you can melt back into the caring and loving physical relationship you both deserve and enjoy." Dr. Choi said carefully and caringly.
"David, Peter, Hou had to do it to me twice. I got those blackouts just like you are Peter. David, you do not have to hurt him, you just have to get his full attention. When we are in those 'trance' like states, we can get lost in them. We can get into a state where we never come back." Alexander said.
Peter spoke up, "You mean like catatonia? I read up on it some on the internet."
To Peter Dr. Choi acknowledged, "Exactly. The phenomenon is actually called a catatonia. It can last from moments to a lifetime. The prognosis for the latter is poor at best. David?"
"Yeah… okay…" I replied understanding what he was saying.
Turning to me Dr. Choi said, "So you see, I'm not being mean when I tell you to do this. I know from firsthand experience how hard it is to hit the one you love. But think of it like a parent spanking his child. It's the most difficult thing he ever has to do, but it is sometimes necessary."
Peter, sniffling, said, "David, just go ahead and slap the shit out of me. I don't ever want to hurt you … God, I just want us to get back to normal. I don't want to be gone forever."
Dr. Choi said looking at Peter, "You are going to be okay, Peter. Don't let what happened to you wreck yours and David's lives. Sure what happened to you was something very, very bad." Dr. Choi looked at me, "David, the same thing is true for you. Lex-Lex and I will help guide you both through this. The important thing to remember is that you two, and each of you in your own way, will come to understand that what happened will make you stronger in spirit."
He continued, "Finally, David, I think you should see a medical doctor, or other qualified health care professional. Serious damage can occur during unplanned and violent sex."
"Mom looked at me down there. She said I'll be okay." To Peter I said, "You didn't see anything really, really bad did you? I mean, you know me better than anybody when it comes to that…"
Peter replied, "I'm sorry, David. You have two little tears, one below and one above… but they don't look too bad. If mom says you're okay…"
"Baby, you know me there better than anybody." I said snickering.
Peter smiled for the first time that day. I leaned over and waited for him to touch my lips with his. He did so though he was a bit reserved from all the people being present, and surely because of what had happened. I kissed him again then turned to Dr. Choi, "I think we've got the bases covered there." Then he turned to Dr. Choi. Serious and concerned, he asked, "Will this happen again?"
Dr. Choi replied, "It is very possible. This is why I have suggested to David that he perform the interruption technique. Vomiting is a very normal reaction. It is a physiologic response to something overwhelming to our psyches."
Peter replied, "Okay… David, I'm sorry, I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you."
"I know. Dr. Choi, we need to talk to our parents… they'll probably have a problem with me slapping Peter. In fact I know they will."
"Do you want me with you when you talk to your dad and mom?"
Peter said, "I'll tell them… it would be better if I told them."
"Babe, we're in this together. Always." I turned to Dr. Choi, "I think they'll be okay if they know 'why'."
After thanking Dr. Choi and Alexander Peter took off upstairs to take a quick shower to wash off whatever was left from his sick stomach.
I went looking for mom and dad. Dad was talking with Horace. They both looked up. Concern overspread dad's face. I said, "We're okay for now. Uhm, dad, Peter got sick in your office… the floor…"
Horace looked at dad. Together they got up and quickly headed inside.
I found mom, Alice and Maria setting at a table talking. Mom looked up, as did Maria and Alice. I said to mom, "Mom can I talk to you for a minute?"
Maria and Alice prepared to get up to afford mom and me privacy but I said to mom, "Can we talk in the bedroom?"
Mom got up and we headed into the house, to dad's office where they were busy cleaning up that which needed cleaning up.
Mom said, "Jim, the boys need to talk to us. Horace just leave that alone, we'll clean it up later."
"Nah, I'll get it… it's not a big deal. Go ahead, Jim, I'll finish this up." Horace said assuredly.
"Thanks Horace. I appreciate it."
I turned around half expecting to run into mom but the hallway was empty. We took off upstairs to our bedroom.
"Peggy?" Dad said hearing mom and Peter in the bathroom.
I walked to the doorway. Mom had Peter in the bathtub… she was washing his back for him. The sight of that took my breath away. I stepped back into our room, pulled out a pair of underwear for Peter to wear then sat down on the bed with dad.
A few minutes later, Peter led the way. He was stark naked and pudged up (quite) a bit. I handed him the garment which he put on then sat down between me and mom. Dad was on my other side.
"Boys?" Dad said.
Peter and I shared what we had talked about with Dr. Choi and Alexander. Though they were not all that keen about us slapping each other around, they did understand the rationale behind getting Peter out of his 'situation'.
Very seriously mom said, "Okay, I better understand what happened and what the situation currently is. For a while, until the major hurdles get crossed, I do not want you guys having anal sex… I understand the 'transference' theory… Peter if you were receiving David's love, and I hope you know what I mean <we both nodded> then you could just as easily have a serious flashback… and until some things get worked through… it will be best that David not receive. There are plenty of other ways to pleasure each other… I'm sure you know what they are. Explore to find out what makes your partner feel good. That's the major fun of our sexual lives… mystery."
Dad said, "But… but if you do resort to anal sex, which most likely you will, then just go slow and easy. Take your time. Another idea would be to purchase a similar to the real thing sex toy… and I'm sure you know what I mean. Your mom and I are here anytime you need us. Dr. Choi is also available most times."
Mom said, "Are we all on the same page?"
Peter and I looked at each other. We were on the same page and acknowledged mom's question.
Later, after our guests left for the night Dad announced that we'd have a family meeting in the TV room in about an hour. They had something important to share with the entire family and wanted to do it all at once.
Peter and I sat together on the sofa while Allen, Angel, Andy, Antoine and Matt sat on the floor. Jeremy sat in dad's recliner while mom and dad sat on the love seat.
The first one was when they announced that they would be married in the garden of our new home on February 6th. Father Ben would be performing the service even though dad didn't participate in the same faith.
Hugs were exchanged and more than one tear of happiness was shed.
The second announcement was that our home would be ready to occupy on January 1st so that meant we had a lot of packing up to do, that we shouldn't wait until the last minute (sighs from us guys were heard loud and clear), but – the pool wouldn't be ready for a week or two after our move in date. A lot of outside construction and landscaping remained. Mom asked Antoine if he would like to do the design since he was the resident horticulturist. He gladly accepted the challenge. He assured us it would be really nice.
The last announcement was that Juan and Harry were purchasing the house we lived in currently. They were going to make some significant renovations but they didn't know exactly what those would be.
As to our new house… a few minor adjustments had been made to the plans to accommodate an additional 1,000 square feet to accommodate grandma should she decide to come live with us when she was unable to live on her own.
I was both excited and sad at the same time. The move would be the last physical evidence that mom, my birth mom, had been alive and here.
As if Jeremy knew what was going inside of my head, he came over, "Come on, let's go upstairs. Let just you and I talk for a little while."
Silently, I nodded then followed him upstairs. We went into his room. He shut the door then pulled me into an embrace and we held each other tightly.
"Mom will always be in our hearts, David. Nothing can change that. Not a building. Not a location on the beach. Nothing. We're going to be okay. Peggy is one super duper lady who cares a great deal for us, and loves us. We love her too, don't we?"
"Yeah, I love her. I'll be okay. I'm okay now, really. All of the news just kind of hit me all of a sudden. Thanks Jeremy, I love you."
"I love you too, bro. Yeah, we're going to be okay."
To be continued
Edited & Reposted 2/12/2012