Never Give Up
I came good; Dan just sat there with his fists clenched. I wanted to change the subject; he was making me feel dirty and cheap. I said, "Hey I have flowers."
"The flowers are from the boys your mum the club and Annie."He said.
I looked over at my beautiful flowers there were five vases.
"Whose was the fifth one Dan?"
He blushed, "They are from me, Irises I know they're your favorite. I asked your mum, she's been in every day but she had an appointment today she couldn't cancel, but she will be in tonight."
Just then Annie appeared. "Cody, honey, how are you feeling? Oh hello Daniel."
"Hi Annie." He said.
I said, "I'm okay Annie, just feeling a bit sore and vulnerable."
"I see your cheek is starting to look a little better, you're gonna have one sexy scar there, when it does heal. "Dan excused himself to go to use my toilet. When he had gone Annie said, "Codes I know you were raped."
I cried. "No! Annie, don't tell anyone. How did you know?"
"Well hun I took your clothes, or what was left of them, home to wash them.There was a lot of blood down the right leg and in the bum area so I figured he raped you, unfortunately I had to put them in the bin."
"Annie it was horrible he had a drug dealer there and they both raped me."
My voice went up an octave as I sobbed into her breast as she held me.
I said again, "They both raped me Annie. How could Steve do that to me? I had given him everything I had."
Just then I noticed Dan standing by the bathroom door, his face was ashen; he looked like he wanted to kill someone. He returned to the bathroom and I could hear him throwing up. Some thumping came from the room and he quickly came out his eyes filled with tears, he said something about seeing his agent and left. I didn't see him again for more than three weeks after that. I figured Dan was mad at me for letting it happen, I'm in good shape but I'm not a fighter. Oh Dan it was all my fault. I should have changed the locks weeks ago. I'm so weak, I'm sorry Dan. Now I feel so dirty and ugly I don't think I can face anyone anymore. I cried for hours at my loss. I'm so dirty, I kept repeating to myself, I finally pumped the morphine again and my pain went away but my brain was hurting still. I finally went to sleep.
When Cody drove me home I squeezed into his little Honda I felt like a dorky school kid.
He said. "Goodnight Dan."
I did invite him up for a beer but he seemed to be pre-occupied.
I went up grabbed a beer and sat just looking at the lights of the city from the penthouse. My mind drifted to four months ago. Squirt was a very happy boy always laughing and playing gags on us boys, I loved his laughter, his smile, hair and smell. He wore awesome aftershave and dressed to impress every night. It was as if everything went out the window one night. He came in to the player's club room after a winning game, I hadn't seen him for a while we were all celebrating, he came up to me, John and Mattie. And said, "Congratulations guys."
I said. "Squirt wanna beer?"
He just whispered. "I'm sorry, I got to go home."
He didn't smell as good. He smelt like cheap soap and baby powder. His hair looked greasy and unkempt, his clothes were not quite right and he had lost a lot of weight. I was concerned for him. The next day I made some inquiries and no one knew what was wrong with him.
Annie just said, "Boyfriend problems." I had seen his flat mate around; he looked like a junkie. Just then there was banging on the door, I said to myself, "What the hell?"
I opened it and wasn't prepared for the scene being played out in front of me. Cody was covered in blood and asked me to help him. I called the ambulance, they arrived ten minutes later. I tried to stem the bleeding but there was glass everywhere.
He was out of it when they took him away. I rang John to see if he could give me a lift to the hospital, Matty came with him. I told them what had happened, they were very upset and so was I. The doctor told us to go home, that Squirt was out of it and they had to do tests which would take hours, he also said they had removed the glass from his leg and he had another operation and some plastics tomorrow.
When we returned to Cody's apartment, the door was still opened. There was blood all over and glass everywhere; the bed had blood and sick on it.
Matty said. "Dan do you see what I see?"
I looked around and said. "No what?"
He said, "Cody told me about six months ago he finally had enough cash to furnish his apartment and now it looked fabulous, but what I'm seeing is not fabulous, just a table, chairs and a bed. Dan, paper plates, plastic knives and forks; there's no aftershave, hair gel, nothing. Dan this apartment's empty."
I saw then what he was talking about.
John said, "I'll go down and get a rubbish bin. I think we should start cleaning up."
We cleaned up as much as we could, closed the door at about 3 am, sat and had a beer. We didn't say much, I think we were all in shock. They eventually went home.
I went to bed and broke down. I cried for ages til I went to sleep. The next day I ran down to the club to collect my car and went straight to the hospital. Codes was out of surgery and his mum was there. I sat and talked with her for awhile. She filled me in on what she knew about Cody's flat mate, but shedidn't know much.
I told her about the flat and what we found, she was stunned.
"Dan he had such lovely things what happened?"
"I don't know Mrs Mitchell I just don't know."
A few days later when I visited him he looked much better, but mentally he was fucked. He told me his story I'm sure he was leaving a lot out. My heart was breaking for this guy. Why do I feel this way, I loved him in a way, and I was finding myself going from anger to totally ballistic then cool as a cucumber. I wanted to kill this Steve and his mate, just give me the opportunity. I was more angry with myself. I should have protected him more.
Annie arrived and I went to the toilet, when I came out he was sobbing again.
He said."They both raped me Annie."
I went numb all over, it was like I was looking through a tunnel. I felt sick, so I ran back and threw my guts out. I started punching and kicking the wall, my tears were real and I was angry. Why had this prick done this to this beautiful friend? I made some excuse, I can't even remember what it was, and left. I didn't go back again it was too painful. I couldn't look him in the eye. I just wanted to hold him and make it all go away. I felt so guilty… why the fuck am I even thinking this.
I had an appointment with Mrs Lynch, a therapist, recommended by the doctor. She spoke quietly with me. I sobbed as I told my full story. We made appointments for the next six weeks, she was nice and understanding, I liked her.
The detective returned and showed me a photo.
I said. "Yes that's Carl." He also said they had found my car burnt out two hundred miles away. Thank god it was still insured. I can pay Dan back. My heart broke at the thought he didn't want to see me. I was weak and dirty. I guess he has an image to keep up, I'm so glad it didn't hit the papers, it could have ruined him being associated with some pathetic gay guy. John and Matty visited often, they told me how they helped clean up and all was good now, Dan had everything fixed. I asked how Dan was.
John said, "Dan's got some major issues at the moment squirt. He's dealing with them but its hard for him lately, just give him some time. I know he rings Connie every day to check on you." I accepted his reasoning and thanked them for all they did.
Mattie said, "Just get back to us, we all miss you."
My mum came to pick me up, my ribs were still sore. The welts on my body were still angry red; the scar on my cheek was healing fast and pink. We drove home to mum's house about thirty miles away, she sat me down in the kitchen.
She said. "There's a present for you, sort of a welcome home one."
I looked at this wonderful woman and kissed her on the cheek. I opened the envelope and found a set of keys hooked on a diamante C, my mum's a fan of bling.
"What are these for mum?"
"Well Cody the two big ones are the keys to your new RAV 4. It's in the garage, insured and gassed up, ready to go."
"Mum please you shouldn't have what's the other one?"
"That's the key to this house. I believe when the police found your car, there were no keys. So I had another one cut."
"Oh mum thank you so much I don't know what to say."
She said. "Well your dad and I made a killing on the hardware businesses so this is the least thing I can do for you, you have never asked for anything; there's more in the envelope."
I found a credit card. "Whoa?"
"That's for you to buy some new furniture and clothes… anything you want really. It's linked to my account Cody. You can spend as much as you want and you'll never make a dent in my bank balance, it's your money too you know. If I had known what you were going through I would have done this sooner."
"Oh mum if you had of, Steve would have cleaned you out too, thank god you didn't."
I decided to join the local gym I wanted to get back to normal. On the second day I was being cruised by a cute guy, but when I took my T-shirt off he disappeared, my body was covered in dozens of angry welts. I should have known it would turn guys off. I went into the city and saw Mrs Lynch. It was going good. The second week I decided to spend the night in the apartment. I had an appointment with the doctor for a follow up in the morning.
I opened my front door and didn't see it right away. But then it dawned on me the door looked like new, the carpet was clean there was new furniture in the lounge, I put my hands to my face and wept I moved to the kitchen the cupboards were full of pots and pans, cutlery and the most beautiful crystal glasses… the table was still there but had a cover on it and a fridge, god I missed my fridge.
"Thank you mum."
The bedroom was the same it had lamps, new bedding, a TV on the wall, chest of drawers. I moved to the bathroom it was stocked with hair products, my favorite after shaves, razors, soap, beautiful white fluffy towels… My apartment looked beautiful again. I sat at the table and just looked, I felt uneasy so I went and had a shower.
After that I gelled my hair spiked (I love my short hair I can do a lot of different styles with it.) I dressed in my favorite black jeans and a green polo shirt that hugged my body and matched my eyes and tapered my waist. I went to the kitchen and checked if I still had coffee, I did. I will get some milk on my way. I looked down and saw the envelope when I opened it, it read.
Welcome home Squirt, we hope you like your pad. From the Boys xx Oh the insurance is paid up and the phone's connected.
You wonderful guys I cried again, then I took my 'calm me down' pills. After twenty minutes I started the car and headed for the club. I stopped for milk on the way. When I got there the boys started to yell and laugh. They shook my hand and slapped me on the back, I said don't tickle me.
Matty said."Did you like your present?"
I said, "I did, it was a great surprise, thank you so much guys."
He said. "It was all Dan's idea; he picked the crystal and the bathroom products; the big sissy."
John hugged me and got me a beer; the room was electrifying, they were so happy to see me again and when they quieted down I said I couldn't thank them enough for what they had done for me. I felt a tear escape from one eye. They just started slapping me again. John moved me over to a couch near the windows we chatted for awhile and I asked where Dan was. He said, "He wanted to go for a run. He knows you're here Squirt, he should be back shortly. "The lights for the oval were still on, it was a beautiful sight, then I saw him, he came in through the outer gate and started to run around the oval, his head hung low.
John leaned over and said. "Give him some time buddy, your bashing has really thrown him, he gets depressed really easily. He's got decisions to make."
I said, "I know the sight of me disgusts him, I'm such a weak fag, I should never have involved him."
John looked at me his eyebrows lifted and he said, "You are so wrong about that, Codes. Cody can I ask you something?"
"Yeah sure Johnno."
"Well." He said. "Did anything else happen, apart from the bashing, that Dan knows about?"
I was unsure and started to get very edgy but I could trust John.
I said, "You have to keep this to yourself John not even Matty is to know."
He said, "No one is going to hear anything from me."
I lowered my head and whispered, "They both raped me."
He took a deep breath and gagged, like he was going to cry.He pulled me to him and hugged me for some time as I wept. I saw Dan, sitting in the player's box, it was close by. He had his hands on his head and his shoulders were shaking, like he was sobbing. Then the oval lights went out.