Never Give Up
After a few minutes John went to get us some more beers. When I looked up I saw the plate glass windows, the panic attack that followed was full on. I jumped up and ran from the player's room down the stairs and into the night, I wasn't fit to drive. All I could see and hear was glass crashing about me. I ran into something solid.
It was Dan, he looked awful, I screamed.
"Let me go don't touch me. I know you hate me because I'm a weak homo who can't look after himself. I'm filthy dirty and thank you for saving my life Dan, but I have to go."
i was both sobbing and unaware I had wet myself.
I screamed, I could see Steve; he was pushing Dan through the plate glass window and over the balcony. I heard the thud of his head as it smashed into the concrete driveway below. The screaming in my head was at full volume. I don't remember the run home. I took a lot of dark back streets. Finally I got to my apartment exhausted I opened up the door and headed for the couch. When I looked up Dan was leaning on the doorframe.
Dan came in, he had a six-pack of beer in his hand, he put them in the fridge, opened two and handed me one.
He looked around and said. "What happened here?"
I looked at my lounge room and it had been changed around. The table and chairs were now inside the front door. everything had been moved away from the windows.
I put my hands to my face and moaned.
"Oh god, I'm going mad, I must have moved them earlier."
I didn't even know I had done it. I looked at him and said.
"I'm going mad Dan, I'm losing it, I'm sorry you think I'm so weak and pathetic. Can you go now, you've seen the show, it's over."
He said. "Codes I don't think that at all, your mistaken, you wouldn't say things like that if you knew what I've been going through all these weeks, months if I was to be honest."
I caved in and sobbed, he came over to me and stood me up and just rocked me. He touched the scar on my cheek lightly.
He was whispering. "I'm here Codes, your safe, Dan's here."
I wept into his chest.
I heard him say he didn't think I was dirty, but if I thought I was, I had better have a good shower. He turned me towards the bathroom. I let him guide me. I was totally out of it; he turned the shower on while I threw up in the toilet. I noticed I had wet myself and started to dry retch. I took my jeans off and threw them into the wash basket.
Dan undressed the rest of me to my jockey shorts then left the room; I just stood there looking at myself in the mirror. A big ugly scar ran down my cheek. My body was covered in them. I was so ugly. The bathroom was full of steam now. I turned around and there was a god standing there naked, except for his briefs, he adjusted the water, every muscle was bulging on his perfect body. He pulled me to him and lowered my underwear, and then he took his off. I could see he was half hard; his cock was a perfect uncircumcised cannon.
His balls were shaved and full, his treasure trail was trimmed perfectly.
He said."Squirt let's get you clean again."
I let him put me in the shower and then he washed me, he did my hair, my pits, my back, then he got down and did my legs, when he saw my scar which was angry red still, he gasped then he leant over and kissed it.
He gave me the soap and looked at my dick, he wanted me to wash it so I did my bum and man bits, we rinsed off and he grabbed one of those beautiful fluffy towels and dried me off, I did my bits. He walked me over to the hand basin, put some toothpaste on my brush and then he disappeared, when I got to the bedroom he had his shorts on and handed me a clean pair.
I got into bed not wanting this dream to end, he got in beside me and put my head to his chest and I went to sleep. Sometime in the night my dream returned; it was Dan being thrown through the plate glass door over the balcony and hitting the concrete driveway with a crack. I woke sobbing; Dan just rolled me on my side and spooned me. I felt safe, and then I had the best sleep I can remember for ages.
I saw Cody arrive he was walking through the car park, I just watched him till he disappeared upstairs, then I ran the block all the time thinking about Cody's hurt and the terrible way he had been treated.
I then went to the oval and did some laps; my tears ran free when I heard in my head."They both raped me." I couldn't take it anymore I just sat down in the players box and sobbed. The lights went out so, I decided to go on home. I wasn't in the mood to look upon Cody's scars, they made me feel angry and useless and responsible.
I was just getting to my car when I saw him run from the rooms, he ran into me and said a few things, which I didn't fully understand; he had messed himself, he was sobbing loudly. I was going to offer him a lift but he took off. John ran down the stairs and saw me.
"Did you see Cody?" he said. "I said, yes he had run into me and took off that way, what happened?"
"He told me about the rape, no one else just me. I went to get him a beer, he was very agitated, I was watching him from the bar he stood up and seemed to be looking at the dark windows and then he ran out. I told Matty I would go look for him."
I just stared at John and said.
"He told you about the rape?"
"Yes because I knew there was something else happening, apart from the abuse and wanted, no needed, to understand."
"He told you both of these scumbags raped him?"
"Yes Dan, don't go over it and try to analyze what happened, please let it go, we have to get Squirt sorted and back to as normal as possible."
I just stared at John and fell on my car sobbing, I was saying over and over again.
"I'm sorry John, I'm sorry I'm so weak. I should have done something ages ago"
John pulled me off in one fluid motion, he held me tight and rubbed my back, he said.
"It's okay Danny, let it out, I know how you feel. I can see it in your eyes every time you look at him, give it some time buddy, it's all going to be okay. But you have to do something soon; you can't let this go on much longer Dan."
"I got to find him John. I think he would just go home, I'll wait for him, I'll see you for breakfast tomorrow?"
"No problem Danny, look after him. Matt and me will see you around nine thirty. Bring Squirt".
I drove home and grabbed a couple of beers, I waited for Cody to come home he did shortly after I arrived. He was a mess; his apartment had been changed around. He just sat comatose on the couch. I thought maybe it's not a good idea but I had to do something.
So I turned the shower on. He couldn't stand straight so I said to myself ‘this is my Cody, help him Dan.' I got in the shower with him and washed what I could when I saw the ugly red scar on his thigh I nearly lost it again. I don't know why but I leaned over and kissed it, maybe trying to make it better or something. I put him to bed and climbed in with him, my emotions spinning out of control.
He woke not long after; sobbing, bad dreams I thought to myself, so I turned him on his side and he fell into a deep sleep. For some brave moments I kissed the back of his head and neck I could smell him and all the goodness that was Cody I then drifted off to sleep.
When I woke he was still sleeping. We had shifted in the night and he ended up on my chest again, holding on to me with his arm. I didn't want to move; I just laid there and took in the sensations that were running through my body. I shook my head clear and thought this is so wrong and carefully removed his arm then went for a piss.
I went back to my apartment showered and dressed, grabbed some milk and headed back down to Code's. He was awake so I put my head in the bedroom and said.
"Come on Squirt get ready we have to meet John and Matt in half an hour for breakfast." He looked at me and smiled, then he jumped up and entered the bathroom, I could hear the shower Oh how I wanted to be in there with him. I put some coffee on and took it into him.
Dan made coffee and put a cup on my washbasin, he wasn't in bed with me when I woke up so I laid there and smiled, after my dream he had spooned me. I felt so safe, I dreamt he was lightly kissing my neck but that would be impossible. Dan was one of the straightest guys I know- but the dream was nice.
I showered and dried myself; this is the best I have felt in a long time. I dressed in my black hipster jeans and a white t-shirt, did my hair spiked style, just a splash of aftershave, and I was ready.
I walked into the lounge and Dan just looked at me like he was startled.
He just said. "Come on Squirt I'm hungry."
"You boys are always hungry. It's going to catch up with you all one day, you better start eating right Dan, otherwise when your career is over you will look like the blimp man."
He threw a cushion at me and said. "Let's go."
We drove down the road to a small Cafe the boys favoured. Joining Matty and John, they all ordered a very large breakfast; I rolled my eyes and just got a poached egg toast and coffee.
John whispered."You ok Squirt? I was worried about you last night, I'm sorry I made you retell the story,"
I said. "It's okay John it wasn't really just the story, it was the plate glass windows that bought my panic attack on."
"I'm still sorry kid, I should have taken more notice of our surroundings."
"You weren't to know John for some reason the windows bought on a massive panic attack. I'm sorry I frightened you and Dan."
When I made the coffee and Cody jumped in the shower I sat waiting for him looking around the room that had been changed. It dawned on me it was the glass that was the problem. At the club he had been sitting close to the windows, maybe I'm wrong.
He came into the lounge and I was gob smacked, that scar did make him look sexy and so did his clothes, his hipster jeans just fitted his bubble butt perfectly they showed his ample package off to the point of being obscene and the t-shirt made him look more muscular than ever. Why the fuck am I thinking this? There's no way I can get involved with Cody, but my feelings for him are stronger than before, they were driving me insane just looking at him.
I said."Come on Squirt let's go."
We sat and talked footy for a while then I noticed a pretty blonde at the table behind us, she was staring at Dan. Eventually she came over and introduced herself as Susan she said to Dan.
"You're Daniel Lawrence aren't you?"
He said. "That's right mamm the one and only."
He looked at Matty and wiggled his eyebrows.
"Care for a coffee?"
She fluttered her eyelashes and he said.
"That would be nice."
He moved to her table and they started talking. I felt like shit again and went very quiet, after five minutes Matt was dragged away by some kids who wanted his autograph. He went to his car to get a felt pen and some photos.
I turned to John and said.
"I'm done I think I'll walk up to the club to get my car and get some fresh air at the same time."
John moved next to me looking at Dan and Susan he whispered.
"How long have you been in love with Dan, Cody?"
I gave him a shocked look, and then I could see he was serious.
I said. "It seems like forever John, I sort of idolize him. But I'm not silly, I know he's straight."
John said. "Give it more time Squirt, there are deep issues going on in Dan's head, he's got a lot to sort out."
I just looked at him and said." What issues would Dan have, come on John he's gorgeous, loving, funny, rich, I believe he has a loving family; what issues?"
"Never mind Squirt let's just drop it for now,"
Susan slipped a piece of paper to Dan, I assumed it was her phone number, when he got up I heard him say."Coffee again sometime?"
She said. "Cool, you're on."
He returned to the table with that million-dollar grin and said.
"Well that went ok."
Matt had finished his signings and came over and said.
"Let's go champ I want to hit the Gym."
John said."Ok see you guys later."
"Come on squirt I will take you to your car." said Dan
I said. "Thank you for helping me out last night Dan but I am just going to walk down to the club to get my car, I need some fresh air."
He looked disappointed.
I picked up the car and drove to my Doctor's appointment. Connie was there helping to put some salve on my cuts, the Doctor said I was healing nicely, the scabs are forming and they should start to fall off in a week or two. How did my ribs feel?
I said "They are still very sore but easing." I at least could breathe a little better.
He then gave me a clean bill of health and said I'll make an appointment for another few weeks. I'm still not happy with that redness on your leg.
When he went Connie said.
"Cody can I ask you something?”
"Yes" I replied.
I trusted her and there really wasn't anything she didn't know.
She began."Your friend that came to visit you in hospital, do I know him, he looked awfully familiar?"
I said."Oh that was Daniel Lawrence; he's a star player for the Brisbane Bombers."
"Now I know where I've seen him."She said.
"He would come in to see you around four o clock each day. He helped me turn you while I dressed your back wounds; he was pretty upset Cody, is there something I missed?"
"No Connie he's as straight as straight can be, I guess it was just the shock."
"Why did he stop coming Cody?"
I just said. "I don't think he could cope with my rape. He thinks I'm weak and dirty, gutless is the word I would use to describe what he thinks about me Connie."
"Well I'm sorry baby, but I didn't get that impression, I caught him holding your hand and crying on the second day, he was embarrassed about it but I just laughed it off hun."
I said my farewells and headed for the bank. Dan crying? Holding my hand? No never.
I withdrew the money from mum's card I owed Dan and put it in an envelope with his name on it. It was Saturday tomorrow; I will take it up to him then. I potted around my apartment for the rest of the day. I put the furniture back and forced myself to sit by the window, the afternoon sun was streaming through. I was doing the exercise Mrs Lynch had set me and was facing my fears.
I did get uneasy after awhile, so moved to the couch. I rang my mum and told her I was thinking about going back to work the following week and about the money, she said she thought it was a bit soon to be going to work, but if I thought I was ok, then she supported me. She also said I didn't have to tell her when I used my card and to go get some new clothes for work and play.
"Have a shop till you drop day darling I want you to."
I said."Thank you mum."
So we talked about the Doctor's visit, what Mrs Lynch was trying to do and not much else really. I told her I loved her then we hung up.
I didn't see Dan at all after our breakfast. He didn't call that night but I knew he had training. The next morning I waited till ten and made my way to his apartment. I knocked and after awhile he answered he was buttoning up his shirt. He didn't invite me in so I just handed him the envelope and he handed it back saying.
"Codes, the boys all put in five hundred each; it covered everything I had done to fit out your apartment."
I said."I can't thank you enough Dan for all your help."
It was then I spotted Susan sitting on the settee I could feel my tears forming, I looked up at him then Susan, my heart fell into my stomach so I did my normal thing I turned and ran for the stairs. I heard Dan call my name and he said he'd see me later. I returned to my flat and sobbed for what seemed like hours. I have never felt so alone.
Later that day the phone rang. I wasn't in the mood to answer it so I just let it ring out; it rang several times later, then there were three raps at the door. I knew it was Dan, we had come up with the three raps on the way to breakfast, a secret sign it was safe to answer the door. I got ready for bed no spooning ever again but I cherished the memory of it. As I fell into a fitful sleep I could feel someone kissing my neck. But I knew I was alone.