Never Give Up
The following day I went to the Club and spoke to the Secretary. He informed me they had decided the past three weeks I had off were changed to sick leave so I still had four weeks leave to take.
I thanked him and said.
"If it's okay with you I would like to start back tomorrow."
He wasn't sure that was the best thing but he said there was a big crowd coming in the following day, an Amway convention, and he was helping Annie as much as possible. Maybe I could just come back for a few days, and see how I feel. We agreed I would come back temporarily.
That night there were three knocks again and phone calls. I couldn't face him. I loved him, but didn't want to get all happy over Susan for him. I had another fitful night I didn't want to take sleeping pills. My dreams were full of Dan; the worst was the crack as his head hit the concrete.
I had pulled myself together the next morning. I put my best clothes on and walked out to the car, as I pulled out of my block I could see Dan standing in the driveway with his hands on his hips. When I got to work Annie was thrilled to see me, she said everything's done and ready for today and all we had to do was keep an eye out for anyone who looked like they needed some help. We left everything up to the caterers, they were great. The speeches were funny and the people were nice.
She had told me while I was in hospital Dan asked a lot of questions about me."It was as if he wanted to know your life's history Cody."
That perplexed me why would he go to that much trouble?
She said."I didn't say much only that you had boyfriend problems for awhile."
I thanked her.
We tallied up the day's takings and got it ready for the Secretary to bank. It was a good day and I felt a bit better. I thought I had better go see my boys hoping Dan was out with Susan at some restaurant.
I started up the stairs and could hear them laughing, when they saw me they all shouted, "Squirt, your back!"
"Hi guys, sorry I've been a bit busy lately but I'm here for a beer at last."
I told John and Matt I had started back at work. And when I scanned the room I saw Dan looking daggers at me. Next to him was Susan they were holding hands, or to be fair she was holding his, I couldn't make it out.
I took a deep breath and nodded, he nodded back with an unsaid questioning look about him.
John leaned over and said.
"It's not what you think Squirt. She's been hanging off Dan for the past three days; he's too polite to tell her to piss off."
I said."At least he was polite enough to put his clothes on Saturday morning when I called."
"What?" He said.
"Susan spent Friday night at his place. I saw her when I took the money I owed up to him."
"No, that can't be right," he answered.
He looked over at Dan and opened his hands and mouthed.
"What the fuck Dan?"
"He was just telling me she's becoming a pest." He said.
Just then Larry came over to our table he was extremely drunk. He asked if I liked my apartment and said they had fun doing it up. I thanked him but he really wasn't listening so I started for the bar to get another round. He spun me around and picked me up; he threw me over his shoulder, this wasn't good I thought.
He then proceeded to strut around and Chant.
"Cody, Cody, Cody".
John leapt up and tried to get me down but he was no match for a drunken 6'6" stacked Larry. He carted me around the room I started to panic and my ribs started to hurt like hell now.
I saw out of the corner of my eye Dan getting up, it was all happening so fast Larry tripped, Dan lunged at me. He managed to get hold of my waist, the windows were getting closer, I screamed and we hit them with full force. I lay there stunned it hadn't broken. Larry was arguing with Dan, John helped me up, my panic attacked, hugged me like some sick pervert.
I said."I'm sorry John, my panic attack is starting, I have to go."
Then tried to slow down my gait as I headed for the exit; my tears streaming down my face. As I walked by I could see Susan laughing.
She said."What a stupid drama queen, look guys he's crying, poor baby boy."
I stopped dead in my tracks and turned around.
I said. "Excuse me what did you say?"
I was livid and beaten at the same time.
She said."You heard me little boy."
She was so drunk I walked up to her and said.
"Listen here you slut, we get a lot of groupies in the player's bar and each and every one of them are ladies. They treat the staff and players with utmost respect, you on the other hand are not fit to be here you're not even a lady, you're just a cheap common tramp."
She flitted her eyelashes and replied.
"It's you poofters that shouldn't be allowed in here."
With that she picked her glass up and threw her beer in my face.
I was livid but I did do something she wasn't expecting, I also threw one all over her.
I said."Do you want to continue I can go all night you cunt."
She looked daggers at me as she tried to mop up the mess.
Dan had heard us and so had the rest of the boys, it was deathly quiet I looked at him and said.
"The only reason you are still here Susan is because Daniel Lawrence is fucking you and no other reason."
I still stared at Dan and added.
"I'm so disappointed in you Daniel."
Using his real name, with as much contempt in my voice I could muster.
I added. "And do you think I'm a filthy scared drama queen also?"
By this time I was almost comatose.
I then said in a low tone.
"I guess if you lie with dogs you're going to get fleas eventually Daniel, hope you're having safe sex with this homophobic, infected Slut"
I heard Susan's laugh as I walked down the stairs.
She never got the chance to toss another drink over me again.
I quickened my pace out into the night, got in my car and broke down I had just turned out the gateway then I really lost it. I parked my car and hugged myself and sobbed for ages I didn't know whether I was crying for me or crying for Dan.
I made it home took some pills, showered, then went to bed.
Nightmares plagued me all night. The detective called me the next day he wanted me to come down for a line up. I arrived and they had five guys lined up behind some glass. I just pointed straight away and said,"That one."
He said "I thought so he's got a funny smell about him."
I said. "I know but I don't think it's funny."
He thanked me and I went to work.
I spoke with the Club Secretary and he agreed with me. I needed more time. He had heard rumors about last night. I offered my resignation, which he declined.
"Maybe, Cody, it would be best if you avoided the player's room for awhile.”
I agreed and said I would see him next week I spoke to Annie and told her what happened and I wanted to resign and move away to look for a quieter life.
Unbeknown to me Dan had called into our office later on and was asking Annie where I was, she told him I had quit. But it was not accepted and I had gone home to my mum's.
I returned home packed and went to mum's place, we talked for hours and she agreed my apartment had become a jail for me and suggested I sell it and move closer to the gay district where I could at least feel like my own kind were around me. Dan did ring but I just wanted to try and ignore him so I didn't answer.
Mum said."You spend too much time with the boys, being in love with one of them is not helping you. He's not going to turn gay just so you can feel better Cody."
"I know mum but it still hurts bad, worse than the panic attacks."
We decided I would put my apartment on the market and start looking for a more secure place nearer the city.
I rang my agent and she met me at the apartment to value it. The following day a For Sale sign was installed.
The Friday night I had a meeting with my agent I did knock on Cody's door when I got home but it was late, the next day Susan landed on my doorstep I made her coffee then went to my room to dress I had a photo shoot to do in the afternoon.
The knock on the door was welcomed, it was Squirt. He tried to pay me for the work I had organized but I told him to not sweat it, all's good. He went kind of strange and rushed off like he had had forgotten something.
Susan left and said she would see me at the club. I rang Cody's number to see if he wanted to come to the shoot with me, no answer, so I called again ten minutes later, I knocked on his door several times I knew he was home. I could see his car from my apartment.
I thought I would try again later. I did try after but still no reaction. Two days later he walked into the Players Room and headed for John and Matt's table I was by this time so mad with him I wanted to spend Saturday night with him in case he maybe, needed me or something.
I know I just glared at him, Susan was drunk and hanging off me like a crazy bitch it was awful I couldn't get away from her. I nodded and he nodded back Johnno mouthed.”What the fuck Dan?"
Then Larry started his shit. I could see where this was going so I got up and as I did Larry tripped I could see terror in Cody's beautiful big green eyes, I lunged at him to pull him back but couldn't get a good grip.
He was really upset and all I wanted to do was hold him and tell him it's all right. So I started in on Larry, the dickhead.
Cody started for the door and Susan said something. I could see rage on his face he gave her a tongue-lashing that went straight over her head. The beers were thrown and a sort of standoff was happening. Then he started on me I was just gob smacked I couldn't even move.
When he left I sat with John and we talked for a bit. He told me what Cody had said then I slipped out the back way and went home. I cried that night; I've royally stuffed up now.
A few days later I saw the For Sale sign up. My heart sank. 'Do something Dan do it now for god's sake don't let this happen.'
I tried to ring Cody a few times but he wouldn't pick up. I wanted to see him so badly.
After a week at mum's I decided on what would be the best for me. I wanted me to be happy. Whatever issues Dan was having he could deal with himself. John had never let on what the problem was and I really didn't ask. Anyway I went back to work, all was good there. Annie had really done a great job without me and I was grateful; she's a cool cookie. I didn't go to the players room that week I did run into Matty Saturday after training he told me Dan was an absolute mess.
"Cody you really have to talk to him he's so mixed up and confused."
I said."I have to look after myself. I'm sure Dan's problems weren't life threatening."
He looked me in the eye and said.
"Don't be so sure about that Squirt, we are all so worried about him."
He also told me Susan was seeing Larry and Dan really had nothing to do with her he told me what had happened that morning I appeared at his door, she had just turned up without ringing he was getting ready to do a photo shoot.
"I doubt very much Dan slept with her she's totally not his type. At breakfast he was just having some fun with her."
I thought about what he said then decided to just let my anger go and try and find out what was happening with him. Matt had scared me with his comment, I maybe might not be able to help him, but I know one thing I can do.
That night I went to the Boy's room I arrived up the back exit. Susan was there drunk again and mouthing on. I took a deep breath and walked up to her, the boys and some of the girls there saw me some said "Hi Squirt" and some didn't see me it didn't register I was among them. Susan spotted me and said. "Well look whose back, the little fag."
I gave her a blank look and said. "Susan, get out of my club now, you are banned for life, don't even think about coming back on this property because you will be removed so quickly your feet won't touch the ground, now get out of here."
Susan just looked at me and laughed.
"And who the hell are you to ban me from here Poofta boy?"
"You should know I am one of the managers of this club and I have the right to ban anyone I please from these premises, I've let you get away with your shit for too long, now get out of my club."
The room was deathly quiet except for the jukebox playing.
"Fuck off." She said.
I flipped my phone and replied. "I'm not the one that's going to fuck off honey."
I gave her a small smile and said into my phone.
"Greg, hi it's Cody, we have a situation in the players bar I would like you to remove as soon as possible please."
I stood there and stared that bitch down.
Then I spied Greg coming through the back entrance.
He said. "Where's the problem Squirt?".
I pointed and said."Sitting right there."
He turned and said. "Not fucking you again."
Her jaw dropped, he threw her bag at her grabbed her arm and escorted her out the front where she caught a cab. I followed them out and waved at her as she went by.
We returned to the lounge and sat on a couch away from the windows. Greg told me he had banned her from the poker machine room because of her uncouth behavior, he didn't think to ban her from the entire club. Greg was a twenty something year old kick boxer, totally gorgeous with blue eyes and a small goatee but he had a wedding ring on; I certainly wanted him as my bodyguard.
"Now I hope she's gone for good, thank you Squirt. If I had known she was in here I would have kicked her out instantly. Cody, can I ask you something?"
"Sure Greg what's up?"
"Will you have lunch with me tomorrow?"
It never dawned on me he might be Bi.
"Well thank you Greg I'm flattered, but."
I tapped his ring with my finger and said.
"I got too much shit in my life at the moment. I don't need any more, so thank you for the offer, but no thanks."
Greg went bright red he stuttered.
"No Cody, I just wanted to talk to you about something it has nothing to do with what you're thinking; it has but not with you."
"Okay." I said."I apologize Greg, sure what time?"
"Say about one thirty here at the club?"
I said. "Meet you there mate."
I spotted Larry as I walked out and said."Sorry mate but she had to go."
He smiled and mouthed. "Thank you."
Well obviously I did two good things today and I got a lunch date out of it.
The next day I met Greg for lunch we had a great time. He was telling me about his boyfriend.
"We were married six months ago we know it's not legal but we made a commitment. Cody can I ask you something really personal?"
I said. "Yes but there are things I won't talk about."
"Well Tony and I are madly in love. He's a bouncer at the Royal Club Hotel. Well we have been together for a year now and we haven't really." he leant over and whispered. "Fucked yet, we are both too scared."
"Can you tell me how to start going about it I really want to make love to him and him me, where do we start? We don't have any real gay friends to ask so I thought of you."
I thought about it for a moment.
Then said, “Its different for everybody Greg, some people hate it some love it, I learned how to relax a guy from the internet mate. Give me a couple of hours and I'll come up with the websites for you."
"Thank you Cody I didn't think of that. We do watch porn and the guys seem to love it but it's hard to know where to start."
I said. "Greg the guys in the videos are primed before they film. They make it look so easy but I know from experience it's not, it took me ages to get comfortable. Just remember take it slow it will happen, thanks for the lunch buddy I'll go get those web addresses for you."
"Thank you so much Cody."
He put his finger to his mouth and shushed I did the same. When I got up to leave I spotted Dan looking into the dining room he looked like he hadn't shaved or slept for a week as I passed him I said.
"Hi Dan no stray dogs with you today?"
He looked daggers at me again with his grey cat like eyes he said.
"Getting friendly with the security staff I see I hope he's being good to you."
I thought I saw him tear up.
I said. "Dan, he just had some personal questions to ask me and it's really none of your business who I have lunch with."
He stormed off. When he walked past an A frame stand that displayed coming events, he punched it hard, photos and paper flew everywhere. I thought then I've got to try and help this man who saved my life.
I knocked off work at eight. I knew the boys had training and would be in the Bar. I had to talk to Dan, he wasn't there so I asked John where he was.
He just said. "He's where he usually is now days Cody, he does all his deep thinking while he's running."
And he pointed to the oval. I looked out and saw a lone figure trotting around the boundary.
I said. "Thanks John I've made a date with him but he doesn't know it yet."
He looked at me and whispered. "Go get him tiger, he just might surprise you."
I smiled at his confidence. Going out the back through the Gym I arrived on the oval I walked to the player's bench and waited.
Dan came around to my side of the oval and as he passed I said.
He stopped confused not knowing who was sitting there, he had been lost in his thoughts. "Cody?"
"Yes Dan, it's me, can we talk?"
"Okay." he said. "I guess we have to. I'm sorry about today, I haven't been myself for ages now, I just don't know what's wrong with me anymore."
"I know John told me." I said.
"He did?" He said with surprise.
I said "John told me you had a few problems to work out; he didn't tell me what they were."
"Oh I didn't think he would, he's a good friend."
"Yes he is Dan, but so am I, so tell me."
"I can't Cody, I can't bring myself to say it. I'm struggling every minute of the day, but I know soon I will have to do something about it."
I pleaded. "Dan, what's wrong between us?" I sighed. "It can't be all about your disgust in me."
He looked at me with his Crisp grey eyes his damp dark curls, his five o'clock shadow, full pink lips, mixed in with a chiseled jaw and sculptured body. I was just drinking him in. Then jumped up and said.
"Cody, for the last time you don't disgust me. I don't think you're weak, I don't think you are dirty, I do think you're one of the strongest people I know; what you put up with in that apartment…." He took a deep breath.
"I didn't even see it. I couldn't help you and when I found out about the rape I wanted to kill those guys with my bare hands. No!! Cody I don't think your dirty, weak or disgusting." He shouted at me. "Cody I'm ...."
..Then he stopped short.