Castle Roland

Feel, Don't Think

by Michael Kyle-Ducharme

In Progress

Chapter 4

Posted: N/A

By the end of the week, I felt better about school, at least in the short term. I called Brian to see what we were doing that evening. He suggested a night in with pizza and some cuddling. It sounded perfect to me.

After our pizza was delivered and devoured, we retired to his bedroom. It had been two long weeks since our overnight was interrupted by my father's call. I hoped to make it up to Brian by taking charge.

"Tonight you are in my hands… Just relax and let me take care of you."

I started by holding his hands over his head, as I kissed him beginning with his eye lids. I moved to his lips, just grazing my tongue along his full upper lip. He started to pull his hands down. "No moving until I tell you it's ok." I smiled and sucked on his lower lip.

Next his shirt, slowly lifting the bottom of his striped rugby, I licked the space between his navel and the edge of the elastic band on his briefs. He tried to move his hips, I held him in place. He began squirming as I lifted his shirt further to expose his nipples. I licked and teased his right nipple, at the same time unzipping his jeans. Reaching my hand in and squeezing his cock elicited a moan.

"Do you like that? Do you want me to keep going? Maybe I should stop here…"

"Please don't stop…"

I squeezed again, and then moved my tongue to his left nipple. Licking and taking small nips at the erect nub, I continued to tease him. I lifted his shirt over his head and put his hands back where they were. Next, I ran my tongue along the space between his neck and shoulder. He shivered beneath me.

"Get your pants off, I want you back in this position. No talking. Just do as you are told." I smiled as I saw the lust in his eyes.

He quickly removed the last of his clothing. He lay back on the bed. I took his hands and placed them once again above his head. I returned to licking down his smooth chest to his treasure trail and lower. Finally, I engulfed his cock in my mouth. Being more patient than our first time, I slowly and methodically took more and more of his hot cock. Once I had taken the whole seven inches, I relaxed and swallowed causing him to yell out.

"Fuck, that's incredible. Oh my god, you're going to make me cum if you don't back off now."

He shuddered as I moved off and licked just the head of his cock. I ran my tongue down to his shaven balls. He moaned louder than ever. I moved back up to his mouth, and kissed him deeply and passionately. My hand started stroking him slowly, but firmly. I wanted him to get lost in my touch. He exploded, shooting seven huge volleys. He sucked in my lower lip and stopped breathing momentarily.

Finally, he took a deep breath and smiled at me. "Babe, that was incredible. I can't believe how amazing you are. Where did that come from?"

"I'm a little embarrassed. I found a story online and it gave me the idea. I figured I had a lot to make up to you. I'm sorry I've been so busy with school. I just wanted you to know I enjoy spending time with you and hope you'll stay patient with me. Now I just want to cuddle with you, fall asleep in your arms, and wake up to your smiling face."

"But, you haven't gotten off yet…"

"Tonight was about you. Tomorrow is another day." I smiled. I stood up and got out of my clothes. I got a washcloth to clean him up, and then got back into bed and pulled him close to me. We snuggled in together and Brian was asleep in minutes. I followed shortly after.

I woke the next morning alone in bed. I heard the toilet flush and water running in the sink. I padded to the bathroom, needing to relieve myself. He was brushing his teeth.

"Meet me back in bed, babe." He whispered in a husky voice.

After a quick brush and gargle, I scooted into bed and planted a big kiss on him. We started to make out tenderly. Later after we both were coming down from monster orgasms, he asked how much time we had together that day. "I need to get back to work tonight. I figure we can spend the day together, but right after dinner I need to start studying. Is that ok?"

"That's super. What do you want to do? Do you want to go to the mall? Maybe we could go to a movie or just hang out." He excitedly burst out.

"Take a breath," I smiled. "Whatever you want to do would be great, just remember after dinner I need to hit the books hard."

We showered and got dressed quickly. We were just about to head out for breakfast.

"Hey, we could go looking for Halloween costumes. We are going out Halloween night, right?"

"Brian, I don't think I can. On Monday and Tuesday of that week, one of my classes goes to a nursing home to do actual swallow tests on residents. We have to diagnosis four residents each day and determine proper consistencies for their food and water. We have to decide if they need thickened liquids or ground up food based on those swallow tests. I'm going to have to prep all weekend. I was hoping we could have dinner on Saturday, and then spend some quality time together before I have to study."

"Are you kidding me? Seriously, we can't go out Halloween night? You have got to be flipping kidding me. It's my favorite night of the year. I've never had a boyfriend on Halloween, can't we just go out this one night."

"But Halloween is Sunday night. I have an early day at the nursing home on Monday. These tests will be a huge part of my grade for that class. I have to be prepared. Please understand…"

"I'm not sure I can do this anymore," He slumped down on the couch. "I really like you, but I don't get enough of you. I thought I could handle this. I just want more of you." He started to cry. "God I want this to work out so bad, but I need a boyfriend who has time to get to know me and do things with me. Maybe I'm just a selfish person, but I need more…"

I was stunned. We just went from an incredible morning to breaking up. How did this happen? I was so confused. I slumped onto the couch next to Brian.

"What just happened? Are you really breaking this off? I don't understand."

"Tony, I really do like you a lot, but I need more. I thought we could make this work, but I guess I want more than you can give. I know it's not your fault. I'm just not happy with one night a week and maybe a dinner or two. I want a boyfriend. This is just not enough. I'm sorry."

"There's nothing I can say to change this is there? I can't believe… I guess I should be going…"

I left Brian's place and started to drive back to my apartment. I changed my mind about halfway home, and drove to Marcus's place instead. I hoped he would help me understand. I walked up to his door, knocked, and then slumped against the wall. I slid down the wall, the tears I had been holding back starting to flow. I was sobbing when Marcus found me.

"Tony, what the hell? Come in and tell me what's wrong."

"He dumped me. He said he needed more, that I didn't have enough time for him." I continued to sob.

"Take a deep breath. I'll get you some coffee."

He listened for a long time. Finally, I was talked out. My stomach growled and I realized I hadn't eaten since last night. Marcus laughed.

"OK, buttercup. I'm starving too. Come sit at the kitchen table, while I cook. I have some questions for you." He pulled out a griddle, and a cutting board.

"Do you care enough about Brian to give him what he says he wants? Are you prepared to spend less time on school and more time with Brian?"

"I don't know."

"Really? I think you do. If you really thought there was a way to give Brian what he wants, do you think you'd be here? Tony, he's the first ''guy'' you've dated, he's always going to be special. But school is your focus. You have your priorities exactly right. I know it's hard to see that now, but it's true. Believe me; you can't give up a part of yourself to make someone else happy. You'll be miserable and they will be too. You have to be true to yourself. Always.

"Now, think about your feelings for Brian. Compare it to how you felt about Jen. I know its apples and oranges, but you and Brian are just getting started. I know it hurts. This one is going to hurt more than most. I hope it's the worst hurt you ever feel, relationships are tough. You got really lucky with Jen. It's hard to meet people who are in the same place as you. It's a game of give and take. And this time, you could never give enough and still be true to yourself.

"C'mon let's eat."

While he was talking, somehow he'd made us grilled ham and cheese sandwiches with tomato and cut up fresh fruit. I was starving. It tasted amazing. Then I realized if I could think about food I wasn't as devastated as I felt when I got here.

"Marcus, I hear what you're saying. I know this isn't the end of the world, but I kept asking him if we were good. We just had an amazing night and morning, and then this. I just don't get it, and what do I do if he calls and wants to make up. I can't do this emotional shit right now. School is tough enough. I can't get on a roller coaster with him."

"I think you just answered your own question. Look you are an amazing person. Bright, funny, attractive, nerdy, bookish, and cute…"


"Just busting on you. Seriously, you will meet other guys. Just make me a promise you won't sacrifice yourself for someone else. You are amazing. You deserve the best. Don't ever settle."

"Ok Dad. I'll remember that."

I thought for a moment. "Marcus, what would I do without you? Look I planned on taking the afternoon off. Let's do something fun. You are always listening to me whine or rescuing my ass. We need to just hang out this afternoon. What do you want to do?"

"Well, I was going to pick up my nephews and take them to the arcade at the mall. They love to drive the cars and whack the stupid mole on the head. You could always come with us, believe me you haven't lived until you've gone to an arcade with two three-year-olds. We can grab a real dinner after we drop them back with their parents. C'mon, I'll kick your butt at air hockey or something."

"Seriously…?" I thought for a moment. "You know that actually sounds like fun. Will the boys be ok with another person tagging along?"

"Are you kidding? That means they divide and conquer. They will have the two of us running around like crazy. You have been warned."

We pulled up to Marcus's brother's house about twenty minutes later. It was a cute cape in the western suburbs. As we walked up to the door, it swung open and there stood Jamie, the middle brother. I recognized him from the pictures in Marcus's place. He looked almost like Marcus' twin. They had the same dark hair and athletic build. Jamie however had dark brown eyes, unlike Marcus' sparkling blue ones.

"Bro, you're in for a real treat. The monsters took an hour nap and are primed to spend the afternoon with Unka M!! Sarah and I are taking a three hour nap while you are out. So give us at least three and a half hours." He winked.

"In your dreams, Jamie," a stunning redhead laughed. "You have a better chance of winning the lottery than getting some today…" She smiled and it lit up her whole face. She was petite and freckled. "The last time we napped together, we ended up with twins."

"Jamie and Sarah, this is my friend Tony. He's my bodyguard this afternoon."

"Nice to meet you both," I shook hands with Jamie and gave Sarah a hug and a peck on the cheek. "You guys are starting to make me nervous."

At just that moment, two little blurs slammed full force into Marcus. "Unka M, Unka M. We is ready. Let's go!"

"Ok boys, I want you to meet my friend Tony. This is Joshua in my right arm and Stephen in my left." Marcus grinned from ear to ear.

The boys looked like their father and uncle. Josh had his dad's eyes, and Stephen's were as blue as Marcus's. Judging from the smiles on their faces, they could barely contain themselves.

"Hi, Tony. K, Unka M let's go. I want to play on the race car this time," Josh screamed

Jamie chuckled and then said, "Take the van, it will be easier. That way you don't have to move car seats around. It's not the stylish ride you came in, but when these two talk you into ice cream, you'll thank me. Boys, you be good for your Uncle Marcus. Best behavior today, do you hear me?"

"Daddy, we is always good." Stephen seemed to be scolding his dad, with his hand firmly on his hip. "Let's go!"

We got the boys loaded up and headed out to the mall. The boys were jabbering a mile a minute in the back seat. All I could do was smile and shake my head; I could tell this was going to be an adventure. Marcus was in his glory. He carried on a conversation with the boys, during which I could only guess what they were actually trying to say. Suddenly my phone rang. I looked at the caller id and looked at Marcus. It was Jen. I showed him my phone.

"Quiet boys, let Tony talk on the phone. We are almost there." Marcus gave me an encouraging look. "Well answer it."

"Hello?" I held my breath and listened for a moment. "Ok, how does Monday about two at the coffee shop work? That's good; it will be nice to see you too. Ok, I'll see you Monday. Thanks for calling.

"That was Jen. She wants to talk. I guess we are meeting on Monday." I was surprised. I wanted to reach out to her, but it had been so crazy lately. I gave Marcus a look and shrugged my shoulders. He smiled.

"I'll free my schedule up Monday night. I expect a full report. Now who's ready to play some games?"

"We is…We is Unka M!"

"What are the rules boys?"

"We hafta hold hands with a dult if we move games. We hafta wait til you says it's ok to go. No yelling and no strangers."

"Tony is my dult," Josh grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the door.

"Are you ready for this?" Marcus asked beaming.

The arcade was so loud and bright, I felt like I was having a seizure. It was the most intense and quickest three hours I have ever spent. The boys had us bouncing back and forth like crazy. First the race cars, then whacking moles. We played a giant Connect 4 game, followed by four person air hockey. A quick pizza break, followed by skeet ball and bowling and more mole whacking. Marcus was laughing and having as much fun as his nephews. The boys listened to every word he said. It was amazing to watch. Finally, you could tell the boys were getting tired. Stephen was clinging to his uncle and Josh was drooping.

"Who's ready for some ice cream?"

"Me!" "Me too!"

"You guys go with Tony and find a table. I'll get ice creams for everyone."

"I want nilla with sprinkles." "Me too! Unka M"

Ok, go with Tony. Four vanillas with sprinkles coming up. Don't forget to hold hands boys."

After the ice cream, and just a few more games; we turned in all our winning tickets. The boys each picked out a different colored stuffed dinosaur.

Time to head out boys. Josh grab Tony's hand, please."

"Up please!" Josh raised his arms. He nestled against my neck and was asleep before we got out of the mall. The ride home was very quiet, a far cry from the ride to the mall. We pulled up to their house, I unbuckled Josh and Marcus picked up Stephen. They barely stirred as we carried them into their bedroom. As we lay them down in their beds, they briefly opened their eyes.

"Thanks Unka M, thanks Tony." "We love you"

"Night boys, I'll see you Halloween. Hope you figure out your costumes soon, so I know what to pick for me. I love you two very much."

Jamie and Sarah smiled and tucked the boys in.

"They will be down for the night, even though bedtime is still two hours away. The only problem will be the early morning in our house tomorrow. Thanks Marcus, and you too Tony. We will see you next Sunday, Marcus. And I hope we see you again soon, Tony." Sarah whispered.

"It was nice to meet you. You have two incredible boys. Good night" I walked out to the car to give Marcus a minute with his brother and sister-in-law.

Marcus jumped into the driver's seat, "So, are you still up for dinner or do you need to head back to study?"

"Dinner sounds good, I planned to get back to work after nine tonight. What are you in the mood for?"

Just then my phone beeped. It was a text from Brian. I really didn't feel like responding.

"Brian wants to talk."

"What do you want to do?''

"I don't want to deal right now, is that bad?"

"No, it's not bad, but he's going to keep texting until you respond."

"I know, but how much is there to talk about? I mean he made it clear how he feels. He really can't take it back, and I can't change into who he thinks he wants."

Marcus smiled. "Call him and talk while we head back to my place."

Brian answered on the first ring. He cried and apologized. He wanted to meet with me in person. I finally agreed to coffee Monday night at seven. I hung up with him and shook my head.

"Buttercup, you're going to be spending your whole day in that coffee shop. I definitely will free up that evening for your call." His eyes were twinkling, but I knew he meant he would be there for me. I think it made it a little less daunting.

We got back to his place. He made us chicken and broccoli with garlic, and angel hair pasta. It was amazing. I called it a night and headed home to study. I was looking forward to talking to Jen on Monday, not so much with Brian.

On Sunday, the walls of my studio apartment were starting to close in on me. The library seemed like the best place to work. Fortunately, a convenient parking space was available. The library was one of the newer buildings on campus. All glass and steel fa├žade, it was eight stories tall nestled between two dorms. Each floor had a center area with six tables set up for a large study group, surrounded by smaller work stations. In all four corners of each floor, a small group of tables were partitioned by half walls. I settled in at a table in the middle of the third floor. It was deserted. The floor was home to the fiction collection, not the most popular part of a college library. Jen and I had scoped the library out when we moved into town, the fiction section was always the quietest.

After a solid couple of hours, I was making headway on the swallow studies. Working with the elderly wasn't on my wish list, but I was beginning to feel better about my article and upcoming practical. I went to the vending machine to grab a drink. Standing there was a really attractive student; he looked vaguely familiar to me. I just couldn't place where I knew him from. He was blonde and had great arms. And that ass… I chided myself, you just broke up with your first boyfriend, where is your head?

When he turned in my direction, those brown eyes and that friendly smile refreshed my memory. It was Jared from the picnic.

"You never stopped into the bookstore." He smiled.

"I can't believe you remember that. I'm Tony; it's nice to see you again. I never got the chance to stop; life has been a little crazy."

"Newbies always have that same look, but you I remember. How are you doing, Tony?"

"I'm good, crazy busy with school but good. What brings you to the third floor?" I took a good look at him. The blonde hair and brown eyes were amazing. His broad shoulders, those arms trying to bust out of his shirt, and that killer smile completed the package.

"Study time for me tonight, in fact I need to get back to work. You would think by senior year I'd have this shit down, but these language electives are killing me. You wouldn't happen to be fluent in Italian by any chance…"

"Not even close." I smiled. "I need to get back to work too, or I'll be here overnight. I needed a quick drink. Are you still working at the bookstore? Maybe I'll stop in sometime…"

"It's my sister's store, so I really don't have the option to quit. I hope you do stop in sometime. And soon. Take it easy." He picked up his water and headed for the stairwell. I had a great view as he walked away.

I was sure the grin on my face was pretty dorky, but having someone as hot as Jared remember me did wonders for my ego. Suddenly, I had a new outlook on studying.

I packed up about two, and was still smiling when I got home.

Monday arrived sooner than I was ready. I had cleared up my afternoon with Dr. Miller. I was incredibly nervous to meet with Jen. We hadn't spoken since the night she threw me out. I wasn't really sure what she wanted to talk about.

The coffee shop was typical chain fare. I think they tweaked the design a little for a college locale. Instead of booths, some of the tables had couches around them. There also seemed to be tons more smaller tables for one person and a laptop. Jen was smiling when she walked into the coffee shop. I already had our usual orders, black coffee for me and mocha caramel latte for her. I stood up and reached to give her a hug. She held on longer than I did.

"Tony thanks so much for meeting me. I've wanted to talk to you for a while now. I need to apologize. I was a complete bitch the night you left."

"No, I'm sorry, I know I hurt you. God, I never meant for that to happen. That was last thing I ever wanted to do. I really did love you. I still do."

"I know that, please let me finish. I was a bitch; there is no other word for it. I was angry. I think I was angrier at myself, than at you. I'm not sure you know that Sarah had been talking you down for months. She was really pissing me off, and then she was right. I still don't understand how this all happened, but I want you to know I miss you and want us to try to be friends. I miss being friends. You were my best friend for so long." She hugged me and burst into tears.

"I'm also incredibly sorry for calling your parents. It was beyond selfish and unfair of me to do. Can you forgive me?"

"Jen, things are great with my parents. I was a coward and had avoided talking to them. I went home when Mom had a minor heart attack two weeks ago. We talked and cleared everything up. They are amazing and still the best parents ever. Please don't apologize. You actually made it easier for me, even if it was unintentional. I miss you too."

"Tony, I just hope your new life has some room left in it for me. Even if we just touch base once in a while, it would mean a lot to me. Oh, before I forget. You should have this back…"

She reached into her pocket and handed me my grandmother's ring.

I took a deep breath. "Jen, I missed you too. I was afraid to call you because I knew I hurt you. Nothing would make me happier than to be your friend. I didn't think it was possible.

"Tell me about school…"

We talked for almost three hours. When she laughed the same warm laugh from that first night, I knew we were good. We promised to try and make it a weekly thing. I hoped to keep that promise.

I had about two hours until I was meeting Brian. I made a dash to the apartment to grab a quick shower and a bite to eat. I shot a text to Marcus, "One down, one to go."

The reply: "Good luck, buttercup."

I smiled and headed back to the coffee shop. I hoped this meeting would go as well as the first one, but I was prepared for the opposite.

Brian walked in shortly after seven. I took a deep breath to steel myself for whatever was coming. He looked miserable.

"Thanks for meeting me. I know you are very busy…"

I didn't need to react to his little dig, so I took a deep breath. "Brian, I'm not sure what we have left to say to each other. I think you made it clear how you felt on Saturday morning."

"I'm sorry… I didn't mean to just blurt it out and have things go the way they did. I really like you and I do want more from you. I just wish I could have said it better. From the time we met I've done everything wrong. I just hate the way things went with us. Is there any way to fix this?" He was tearing up and looked ready to lose it.

"Brian, I don't think there is a way. There's no more for me to give. I set aside as much time as I could. You weren't happy. I know that I can't do the roller coaster thing with you, either. Saturday, we were really doing great and then the rug got pulled out from underneath me. I can't do that again. I really wish this had worked out better. I can't be the boyfriend you want; we are just not in the same place right now. It breaks my heart to think this is over, but I don't see any other way." I felt like I was rambling and bouncing all over the place.

"I just fucked up the best thing that ever happened to me." He sobbed into his hands.

"Brian, don't do this to yourself. I don't want you to look at us like that. I wish things were different, but I can't make you happy. You deserve to be happy. You tried to be patient and it didn't work out. We can't be happy together if one or the other of us is settling. I hope we can still be friends some day. I care about you. Please don't beat yourself up for being honest. I think it makes it easier to know we still care about each other. I got lucky to have you as my first boyfriend, I really mean that."

"Tony, I wish things had worked out differently for us. Thanks for what you said. I forget all the time how new this is for you. How did you get so smart about relationships?"

"Brian, I have a really smart friend. He's the one who helped me see that settling is no good for anyone. I'm lucky. I hope you find what you are looking for; you deserve only the very best. I'm going to miss you."

We hugged. Neither one wanted to let go. But in the end, I gave him a kiss on the cheek and walked out. I was afraid to look back; for fear I would change my mind.

As soon as I got home, I gave Marcus a call. I filled him in on the events of the day. He gloated a little when he heard how his words came spewing out of my mouth. Still he was supportive and encouraging. With another mostly lost day, I needed to get back to work so; I said a quick goodbye.

Holy shit. All that happened in the first few months after I met Marcus. But enough strolling down memory lane, this wasn't helping me figure out why Marcus hung up on me. What did he mean he couldn't do this tonight? I needed an answer. Maybe a call to Scott could help fill in the blanks. I really didn't want to call him, but I felt desperate. He answered on the third ring.

Thanks for continuing Tony's journey,
Special thanks to:

My husband Ray, for your love and support
My friends Kate and John, for your encouragement
My editor David, for your mad skills
My fellow author Fitz, for helping me make this journey a possibility and a reality

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