He's started reading this. My lover, that is. He has started reading this thing that Ive been doing to help myself. And it feels good to have him read it. These are my words and my feelings and it has been important for him to know them.
Its also been exhilarating and frustrating. And it has led to some great sex. Taking out frustrations is a wonderful release. Hard, pounding, driving sex. Sweaty, wet, soaking sex. Dripping, spurting sex. Over and over, reusing the cum to lubricate the next round sex. Even though youre sore you keep going sex. Cant get enough sex. Mouth open, hands clasped sex. Tear the sheets off the bed and fuck on the bare mattress sex. Take and nap and fuck some more sex. Fall asleep with his cock in your mouth sex. Fuck till youre covered in cum sex. Hard, pounding, driving sex.
Then there are the tender moments, too. I have so much. So very much. More and more.
The party was great. The excuse for the party was my being released from therapy. It had been a long, often painful road. And my buds stood by me all the way -- literally. Every day one of them would be with me at therapy -- Danny, Kyle, Greg, Richie. Loyal to the last moment. So we and our friends celebrated our accomplishment. They nursed me back to health. I worked to get there.
It got way late. Beckys older brother came to get her and ended up staying to party with us (no beer, of course). So by the time everyone left it was about 1:00 a.m. I was tired, Danny could hardly keep his eyes open, Greg and Kyle were almost falling asleep. Only Richie was wide awake, but hes hyper anyway. Gregs mom came into the basement to see the last of the people off.
"Why dont you guys just stay down here tonight?" she asked. "Its so late. You shouldnt all be going home now and waking up your folks."
We all agreed it sounded like a great idea. She pulled out a sofa-sleeper (I think everyone in our neighborhood had these things), got a cot out of a storage area, and inflated a double-size air mattress, then got out sheets and blankets.
"Okay, guys, lets draw straws to see who sleeps where," I said. Wed done this before.
"Well, okay," Greg said, "but since its my house ..." We could all see where THIS was going. He was gong to take the sofa-sleeper. "I say that Justin and Danny sleep on the pull-out because Justin is the guest of honor and Danny is his boyfriend."
And you know what? In the weeks since wed come out to the guys, no one had said that out loud. It sounded weird. Unreal. I have to admit it sounded a bit unnatural and scary. I WAS his boyfriend, but I dont think I had even thought of it as an out-loud sort of thing. I looked at Danny and he had the sort of look I had felt. I must have had the same look.
"Cmon, you guys," Greg said. "Were all okay with it. You know that. I know you get to sleep together now and then, but not usually under very happy circumstances. Tonight you can have the pull-out bed and not have to worry about anything." Greg had been the first one to find out about my sleep-overs at Dannys when my parents fought.
"Thanks, Greg," Danny said quietly.
"Lets draw straws for the other spots," Greg said, but Richie stopped him.
"Naw. Lets just work it out. Who wants to sleep on the cot?" he asked. Kyle raised his hand. "Okay, Kyle gets the cot, and Greg and I will share the air mattress."
Wow. Richie had reacted the worst to our coming-out, and here he was willing to sleep next to Greg. Now, like I said, we had slept like this before, but before anything sexual was attached to it. And I dont really think anything sexual was attached to it this time, except with Danny and me. But Kyle sleeping alone was logical, because he was dating Becky. Greg was okay with all of this because, well, I dont know why. He and Danny had slept together and had sex while I was in the hospital, and he may be wondering about his sexuality. Richie had reacted violently to finding out we were boyfriends, and had left our group, gotten into drugs briefly, and come back. Maybe he needed some sort of contact.
And maybe I was just over-analyzing. Fucket. I just wanted to go to bed. We all stripped to our shorts, and climbed under the covers. Fall was definitely here, and the basement of Gregs house was chilly at night. But Danny snuggled next to me and together we got warm. I heard Kyle, alone on the cot, shiver and say "Brrr," and then Richie sat up and tossed one of his covers over to Kyle.
"Here, you might need this more than we do, all alone on your cot." Interesting. He and Greg would keep each other warm? Danny and I would, I knew.
"It was really a great party, guys," I said. "Thanks."
Greg gave a sort of embarrassed laugh. "Aw, thats okay. We just needed a good excuse for a party. You were handy."
We all got a laugh over that.
Danny snuggled closer and nestled his cock against me. In the dim light I could see Kyle wrap himself tighter in his blanket. And I could hear Richie and Greg whispering to each other, moving around in the bed, and then settle down.
And we were asleep.
True to form, Richie was up and out the door early, on his morning jog. Kyle was burrowed under the covers of his cot. Greg was rolled into a tight fetal position. Dannys hard cock was lodged against my butt and his arm was around me, his hand covering one of my nipples. My cock was hard, too.
It was that sleepy wake-up time in the morning when you sort of engage in conversations but no one minds if you drift back off to sleep.
"You guys sleep okay?" Greg asked.
"Mmpphs mphmpphhp," Kyle replied from under the covers..
"Uh-huh," I said. Danny was strumming my nipple. I was getting horny.
We laid there for a while longer just sorta jiving on each other. Richie came crashing into the house and down the stairs. Sleep was no longer possible once hyperboy exploded onto the scene. It wouldnt do any good to bitch at him, he was used to it after all these years. So we slowly extricated ourselves from the bedclothes (Danny and I from each other), pulled on yesterdays clothes, and made our way upstairs to breakfast, knowing that as soon as we dispersed wed go back to bed. All but Richie. Hed probably be mowing the lawn soon.
Gregs mom didnt disappoint. Pancakes, bacon, sausage (yes, both -- it was the Midwest), warmed syrup. Oh, and orange juice. We were growing boys, so we stuffed ourselves. She just laughed and poured more batter on the griddle.
We cleaned up the basement -- sorta -- gathered our stuff up and thanked Gregs mom for the party. I did especially.
"You dont need to do that," she said. "You boys are such good friends, its a joy to do it for you."
Danny and I went over to his place. It was bound to be quieter, even with Charlie around.
We went to Dannys room, stripped naked and slipped under the covers. But since everyone was up and about, we didnt try to make love. We simply stroked each other, and came in each others hands. Danny talked the whole time he was jacking me off, urging me to cum for him. The post-orgasm drowsiness quickly came over us, and we drifted off to sleep.
Something woke me up. Maybe a noise in the house, maybe Danny rolled over. Anyway, I was instantly awake, and I knew I wasnt going to get back to sleep. So I quietly got out of bed, got dressed, and went out to the kitchen.
Mrs. Shaw wasnt there, but I heard the washing machine running in the laundry room. She was there, taking a load out of the dryer and hanging up the shirts, folding other clothes. She looked up when I came into the room.
"Hi. Cant sleep?"
"No. Something woke me up and I didnt want to disturb Danny. Anyway, Ive had enough sleep."
"Ill be done here in a moment. Then Ill get you something to eat."
"No, thats okay. I dont need anything. We had a big breakfast over at Gregs."
"Well, then you can have a snack with me."
I leaned against the door while she folded. That was the great thing. You didnt feel like you had to keep up a conversation with her. She made the silence feel comfortable. I mean, if you think about it, people are uncomfortable with silence. We have to fill it up. I guess we get scared that the other person will feel were dull or stupid, so we just talk to fill up the space -- and usually prove that fear correct. Not with Fran. Around her, silence was comforting. I think it was because some of those times I came over to their house Id be pretty upset. Shed sit up with me, holding me or rocking me, trying to quiet me. After all the noise at my house, the silence at Dannys was precious, and I wanted to preserve it.
Mrs. Shaw poured us some iced tea and got out some cookies and then we went into the family room. I dont know where Mr. Shaw and Charlie were, but it was quiet. Only the sound of the washer and dryer could be heard. She sat on the sofa and patted the cushion next to her, so I sat down beside her.
She was looking out the window. Thinking.
"You and Danny seem as close as ever," she said softly.
"Yeah, I guess so. He was so gr-great while I was in the hospital. And afterward." My voice caught on "great." "Hes always been that way."
"Yes, he has. He was pretty special as a kid. Now as a teenager, he still is. None of the problems you read about in newspapers or see on TV. None of you kids, really." I didnt want to tell her about Richies fling with drugs. Mostly because I didnt want Richie to get into trouble. He seemed to be over it. But also because shed start asking questions, and I was afraid that Id slip and tell her Richie was ostracized from us because of his reaction to the news that Danny and I were lovers.
"Youve been a good friend to him, too, Justin. Hes different when youre not around."
"Well, just that, I dont know, like hes a little lost. Or scared. Something."
"Scared? Hes always been my comfort when Im scared."
"I just mean, hes not, I dont know, complete. Something. But I think its different now. Since that big fight you two had last spring. You are closer than ever. Like theres more of a bond. More spiritual. Somethings happened between you two. Its more than bonding I think its more than love."
And then I knew. She knew. I didnt know what to say. I looked at her, and then away quickly.
"Why dont you go wake up Danny," she said. "Lets talk."
I walked slowly down the hall, my jeans dragging on the floor in my bare feet. We hadnt been able to keep our love a secret from anyone. We didnt want to come out, but we had already to Becky, Kyle, Greg and Richie. Now we were going to have to tell his mom. Would we be able to stop there?
I eased the door open. Dannys room was dark. It had that smell like a dark room where a teenager has been sleeping -- sort of musty-stale, but with the smell of Danny. It made me calmer, as it always had. My lovers essence hung in the dark, slightly stale air.
I sat on the bed next to him. His back was to me and I wanted to reach under the blanket and run my finger down his butt to that sweet delicious pucker. I wanted to work my finger slowly into him and wake him by massaging his prostate. But his mom was waiting. I eased him onto his back and gave him a soft kiss on the lips. I caressed his hair and kissed him again. Then I laid my head next to his and gently called his name, several times until he stirred.
"Wake up, lover," I said as he opened his eyes. "Time to get up."
"What time is it?"
"About three oclock." He stretched his smooth body under me, arms above his head, his back winding back and forth, his legs taut under the covers, which came to just above the most gorgeous cock god had ever made.
He turned his head to kiss me. "Just in time for sex," he giggled sleepily.
I hated to do this to him. I didnt want him to have a sudden shock. But I had to deter him from that line of action.
"Not right now, lover," I said. "Your mom wants to talk to us."
"What about? Are they going out of town so we can have the house to ourselves?" he asked hopefully. I didnt want to tell him that would probably never happen again as long as we lived at home. Not now that she knows.
Oh, fuck! If she knows she might not ever let us sleep together again. If she knows, we may never be allowed to have time to ourselves. If she knows she may never trust us to be alone together again. If she knows, she may not let me slide into bed with Danny at night, fleeing my parents, just when I need him most. Was our love going to ruin this? I wouldnt survive. Ive sought refuge in Dannys bed for almost ten years. It was never about sex. It was safety. It was a place to go. It was about Danny and his ability to comfort me. To make me able to sleep. He had kept me sane all these years. I honestly think I would have exploded amid all the anger in my house if I hadnt been able to come to Danny. He loved me. Before there was sex, before there was talk of love, he loved me. He gave up his bed to me hundreds of times. Thats no small thing. He could have had a bed to himself. I had been invading his privacy all those years. I had been invading his space. And he never once said anything about it. He never complained. He never even asked me to scoot over and give him more room.
All this was going to end. Fran may let me still come over, but she would make me sleep on the couch. She wouldnt abandon me completely. I bet shed leave a blanket by the couch from now on so I could sleep there. Sure, I know she would. But that wouldnt be enough. I needed Danny on those nights. It was more than getting out of my house, it was finding a warm, loving body. Danny was always that. He was the human contact I craved. No, not craved, desperately needed.
I know Ive said that Danny and I had had some small fights over the years. We never stayed mad at each other for long. All boys have those times. But it never kept me from seeking him when the noise got too loud at my house, and it never prevented him from moving over so Id have a warm spot in his bed.
Wow. I didnt realize till just now that he did that. Every time I came over to his house, into his room, and climbed under the covers with him, he scootched over and left me the spot hed warmed with his body. Just one more example of how he took care of me.
I was going to miss that.
"Hey. Space boy. Come back to earth," he said with a laugh in his voice. "What does she want to talk to us about?"
I didnt want to come back to reality. I wanted to stay in the warm past, where it was secure.
"Uh, Danny, um, I think she knows."
"Knows what?" He was a little slow when he was just waking up.
"Uh, um, she knows."
"Danny, she knows about us. Love. Sex."
The smile vanished and it was replaced with a look of fear.
"She said that?"
"No, not exactly."
"Then how do you know?"
"Cuz I just do. I mean, she said she thinks weve grown closer lately, more spiritual. Then she told me to come wake you up so we could all talk."
"Well that doesnt . . ."
"Yes, it does," I interrupted. "It does mean that. She knows, Danny. Oh, god. What are we going to do?"
"I dont know. I guess we have to talk to her. IF she wants to talk, we gotta talk."
"Its all over, isnt it? Its all going to end. I wont be able to sleep with you any more." I was losing it. I started shaking.
"Justin, stop. Yes you will. I dunno. Yes. Yes you will. You need to, Justin. She knows that." I wont let her stop it. You will always be able to sleep with me when you need to. Always, Justin. Ill fight for it." Oh, god, I loved him.
I didnt want to cry. I knew I should be strong enough to get through this. I didnt know anyone else my age who regularly slept with his best friend. They all seem to be strong enough. No one else leaves home in the middle of the night. I was 15 years old. I shouldnt need this any more. If it ended, then fine. I was big enough to handle it.
But I knew that was a lie.
Danny was up and pulling on his shorts. He threw a shirt over his head and stuck his arms through, and he was ready to go meet mom.
We held hands walking down the hall toward the family room, but broke contact just before we got there.
Hi, sleepyhead," Fran said to Danny with a smile. "Did you catch up on all your sleep?"
"Yeah, for a while."
"Cmere, boys. I want to talk to you."
We sat down, Danny near his mom, me in a chair across from them.
"Whats the matter?" Danny asked.
"Im not sure anythings the matter," she said. "I need to get some things clear."
"Shoot," Danny said with the confidence I wish I had. He may have been faking it, but he was dong a good job.
Fran looked at us. "I dont know how to say this."
"The other night, well, a few weeks ago, when Justin came into the house and fell outside your door. You came to help him up. You called him your lover."
Silence. I was looking at the clock above them.
"I dont remember."
"That might be true. You were pretty shook up. But I know what I heard." She looked at me. "Justin, did you hear it?"
I looked at her. This woman had saved my life. I honestly believe that. When she swept a scared, freezing six-year-old child into her arms and rocked him till he stopped crying, then laid him gently in bed beside her own son, she saved me. And she had hundreds of times since then. Every single night when I needed it that door was opened to me. There were no questions. There was love. There was not maudlin sympathy. There was care and concern, but not pity. There was affection. There was breakfast. There were clean clothes. And always, there was refuge beside her eldest son. I was alive and sane that day because of Fran Shaw.
I could not lie to her.
"Yes. I heard it."
"Did it mean what it usually means?"
We both looked at her, and she interpreted our silence as ignorance.
"It usually means a love affair, that two people are in love with each other. It often means theyre having sex."
This is the point where you break down and cry, then sob out your confession of love, sex and your own gay orientation and the understanding parent enfolds you in her arms, kissing and comforting you and telling you that she doesnt care, but the world will be a hostile place.
But it didnt work out quite that way. I had fucking cried so much in the last six months youd have thought I was a preschooler again. I looked at Danny, who looked at me. Silently we drew strength from each other.
"Are you lovers?" she asked quietly.
We needed a moment for that strength to solidify. Tears were waiting in the wings.
"Mom," Danny began, and faltered. "Mom, I, um, I have to tell you something. Mom, Im gay. Im a homosexual." I guess he thought he had to clarify it. Actually, despite the gravity of the moment and the terror I felt, it was sorta funny.
Mrs. Shaw didnt say anything. She just looked at Danny.
"Im gay, and I love Justin. I cant tell you that he loves me. Hell have to tell you that, if he does. But Ive known for a long time that Im gay. Ive known for even longer that I love Justin."
More silence. It was getting scary, all the silence from Fran.
"I do love him, Mom. He makes me whole. Whenever Im with him, Im a complete person. Whenever were apart, I feel an empty spot. My heart doesnt beat right. I mean, I know I can function, I know Im not going to die. I know its in my head, but I also know its in my heart. My whole outlook changes when I see Justin. Im calmer, saner, smarter, faster, funnier, more loving, more caring, stronger and louder when Im with Justin. Im just more when Im with him. I always have been. Ever since we were six. Even before that, but I knew it when we were six. Thats when he started coming over at night. And Id notice how much easier I slept when he was here, and how much easier it was to wake up and get ready for school in the morning."
"And I dont want you thinking that sleeping with him for the last nine years has made me gay. Thats not it, Mom. I feel this way because I truly love Justin, and I would if wed been friends and never stayed at each others house. Its not infatuation. Its not because weve slept together all these years. Ive tried being with girls and its not the same. I love him, mom. I need him mom."
Silence. Then she turned to me. "Any you?" she asked without emotion.
My breathing got deep, and I thought hard.
"Mrs. Shaw," I began, "you know the answer to that already. You know what you and Danny and Charlie and Mr. Shaw have done for me. And I have a feeling you already know about me and Danny. If you want to hear it in my own words, then okay. I do love Danny. But I dont know if Im gay. Danny is the only boy I love. And I also know its not infatuation. I didnt know much about gay or anything before this. I might maybe be able to love girls, too, I dont know. But I know I love Danny. With all my heart, Mrs. Shaw. And I want to be with him forever."
"I hope youre not disappointed in us," I said quietly. "I hope youre not disappointed in Danny, especially. Because hes the best person I know. I need him, Mrs. Shaw. But I need you, too. I wouldnt be here if not for what youve done for me. You and Danny and your family. I love you, Mrs. Shaw, and I love Danny."
No tears. Not from me. But when I looked at Fran, one rolled down her cheek.
I was shivering and my palms were sweaty. And the silence was deep.
Dannys mom was looking at me. She blinked her eyes slowly and looked at Danny. Another blink, and she was looking at the carpet. At least she hadnt left the room.
Then she abruptly got up and left the room. Into the kitchen. We heard the refrigerator open and close. She came back in with an orange for each of us.
As she began to peel her orange, she said, "I did know. Or I suspected. Im not going to invade your privacy by asking you embarrassing questions. Can I ask how long this has been going on?"
"Well, since that bicycle accident where Danny broke his arm," I said.
Danny looked at me. "All my life," he answered simply.
"Well, Ive had some time to think about this. I was hoping all the things I was thinking were wrong. I was hoping what I suspected wasnt true. But it sounds like it is." She looked at us, and must have realized that I was scared. Danny looked like he was too.
"Oh, boys, dont be afraid. One of the good things about having some time to think about it is that Ive been able to sort out my feelings. I love you both. Im afraid for you, and Im not quite sure that this is a permanent feeling. But Im certainly not going to be angry with you. I can accept this. Ive been watching you two with each other. I can see the special love between you. Youve gone from being friends to being . . . um, well, more than friends." She took a deep breath. "Lovers. But it makes things complicated."
"What do you mean," Danny asked.
"Being gay in a town like this isnt going to be easy."
"We dont plan on telling anyone."
"How many already know?"
"Well, Richie, Greg, Kyle and Becky. And you."
"Thats a lot of people. Hard to keep a secret."
"They will," I said. "None of them will tell."
"Justin, when that many people know, no matter how loyal they are, its going to get out."
"Well, well deal with it if it happens," Danny said defensively.
"Yes. Youll have to. Now I need to know something. Justin, do your parents know?"
"Well I sure didnt tell them. If we hadnt told you, we sure havent told them."
"And Im not going to tell them. Maybe theyd be okay with it, I dont know. But I just dont think I can."
"I want you to at least think about it though," she said. "Will you do that?"
"Theres one more thing to talk about, but Im not going to do it. Youll have to talk to George about it."
"What? Why? I cant tell Dad," Danny whined.
"He knows, Danny."
"Yes. Weve talked about it. He doesnt know, but he suspects, just as I did. And you both need to talk to him."
"You have to. You too, Justin."
I just nodded again.
"Boys, I want you to know I love you. And Ill always be here for you. Always. No matter what the trouble may be."
We sat in silence for a few moments.
"Mrs. Shaw?" I said.
I sighed. "I need to know if . . . I mean, can . . . can I still, if I need to . . . will you let me, you know, like, still come over at night? I mean, if my parents are fighting? Can I still come over and sleep with Danny?"
The dam nearly broke, but not me. Her eyes filled with tears. "Of course you can, Justin. I would never leave you in the cold like that. Dont ever worry about that. This house is yours whenever you need it. Justin Reynolds, youve become one of my sons. I would never abandon you."
I got up from the chair Id been sitting in and came to sit next to her. She hugged me tightly, then hugged Danny, then hugged us both. Just like that, my worst fears vanished. When my parents fought, sleeping with Danny was not a matter of love. It was a matter of survival. I knew Id survive now.
In less than a year my life had changed dramatically. In hindsight, Im glad I had that to prepare me.