Published: 25 May 2017

We worked our asses off making beds, filling kitchen cupboards and setting up my studio. In between times we tended to Ayden. Evan went to buy Chinese take away. I tried to place knick knacks around the living room then started to tidy up all the wrapping paper and boxes when a knock on the door pulled me up. It was Tony wanting to know if everything was satisfactory. I invited him for lunch and thought maybe Evan might give him another go.

I made coffee while he played around with the furniture and the room looked a hell of a lot better by the time he had finished styling it. We sat at the table just waiting for Evan to return so I placed the plates and cutlery in front of us.

“So how was your date with Evan?” I asked.

“Okay, he’s a really nice guy Den and I maybe got a vibe he liked me.”

“He does Tony but he’s a hard nut to crack, it’s been a long time since he has had a boyfriend.”

“Well I enjoyed his company. Can I ask you something that’s a bit personal Den?”

“Sure you can.”

“Well when we were on the big date, he talked non-stop about you. Has anything happened between you two that he didn’t reveal? I got the feeling he kind of likes you, a lot.”

“No, he’s a friend only and was really friendly with my wife before she died. I get the feeling he likes me but no, nothing’s going to happen, nothing’s going to happen with anyone Tony, full stop.” I looked down at my serviette, this is getting personal.

“Oh it’s just that I got the feeling he liked you more than he was saying.”

“Well we have slept together more than a few times, but that was because my head wasn’t right but nothing was going on, it would have been impossible.”

“And now?”

“No, I’m straight Tony, through and through. I like Evan but not that way.” I laughed. I wasn’t going to tell Tony what I was feeling because I really didn’t know for sure myself. What I do know is I don’t want them dating again.

“So now that’s out of the way, I might give him another shot then.” He smiled and my stomach dropped, and I didn’t know why.

When Evan arrived home he seemed distant towards both of us, nothing I could put my finger on, he was pleasant but distant. Maybe he thinks Tony is trying to put the moves on me.

When Tony left they promised to catch up soon, Evan even kissed his cheek.

“He’s a nice guy Evan, he likes you.”

“I like him too Den but he’s really not my type.”

“Oh? So what’s your type?”

“You are Den; hairy chest, slim waist, Latin looks, three-day growth, big cock.” He burst out laughing then went to wash up calling back,

“Dream on lover boy.”

He left not long after so I watched some TV then prepared a couple of bottles for Mr. Bubs before I went to bed. He was sleeping soundly as I slipped under the blankets. I rubbed my hands over my light, hairy chest and then placed my fingers on my nipples tweaking them softly, this made me hard. I was fantasising that Evan was making love to me, my legs apart and stretched I pulled myself into a sensational orgasm. When I came down to earth I started thinking about what just happened. Did I like Evan? Yes, did I love him? maybe. Could I see a future with him? Of course. Could I make love to him? Probably yes. Do I want him to make love to me? I don’t know. Am I scared? Yes.

I had questions, many of them. I loved Evan, we are good together and if I really think about it, we have already been living like a married couple. I wondered what it would be like to have Evan’s manhood in my mouth, it didn’t gross me, it intrigued me. I loved the way he smelt; it was a safe smell with a faint hint of soap and scent. I do know one thing; I would love to be buried in his butt, it was shaped beautifully. My stiff returned and I did it all over again, Evan was again in my thoughts.

I was up at two because my guy wanted his milk so I pulled him into bed and fed him. That was the first night I had slept with my son beside me. I packed pillows around him so he wouldn’t fall out of bed then gently stroked his head as he nodded off with a little hint of a smile on his face. I was always too scared to have him in with me but tonight just his breathing lulled me into a deep sleep.

The next day I got online and ordered a jogging stroller although I was still trying to swim when I could. It was now impossible for me to leave Ayden with strangers even though there is a crèche three doors down, I needed him with me. I thought jogging was the next best thing so I chose a three-wheeler one that is designed for active parents. I then bundled my boy up and went upstairs. ‘Ayden’s Eyes,’ was the first painting I worked on in our new house, the azure color took some time to mix, I wanted them to be just perfect.

Ayden’s eyes had changed from his baby blues to his natural color over the past three months and were now alive and bursting with color. I couldn’t help but compare them to Evan’s, they are nearly the same. Carol’s were a duller blue and not as bright. All the while I was painting I kept saying over and over, Evan loves Den, Evan loves Den, it was like I was in a trance as my brush smoothed over Ayden’s perfect baby skin, his lashes so long and his smile so fucking warm. Butterflies, I felt butterflies, millions of them in my stomach when I thought about Evan. Six hours later I snapped out of my dream and the painting was ninety percent finished.

I have never painted so fast and so accurately in my life, I couldn’t believe this was happening. His eyes stared back at me and enveloped me in his simple life and all the while I still said Evan loves Den, I answered with Den adores Evan and my heart ached, my stomach now empty. He’s going to Sydney I will lose him if I don’t do something. I felt so sad so I covered it up and went to attend to my baby.

I finished it the next day and hung it over my fireplace, the room burst into life as his eyes followed me everywhere. Evan was mesmerised by it and said it was placed exactly where it needed to be, in a loving home with me.

The night before he left for Sydney he came for dinner and actually brought it with him. I got the plates and cutlery out while he played with Ayden on the floor and they were both laughing.

“He’s going to miss you.” I smiled.

“Not as much as I will miss him I bet.”

He stood up and came over to the table.

“Two months in that god forsaken city Den, how am I going to cope?”

“Have they provided a room for you?”

“Yes a hotel which is basic but nice, I’ve stayed there before.” His eyes dug into mine and I felt a stirring in my groin, my gut was churning again. I wanted to kiss him goodbye not shake his hand and needed to take a deep breath because those butterflies were filling my stomach, millions of them again. I have no answer for that and I’ve never experienced it before.

We talked more into the night and bubs was put down to sleep then we sat at the backyard table with our coffee. I was keeping him updated on my work and he was just staring at me.

“Tony is trying to talk me into going to London with him. He’s got a friend that owns a gallery there and wants a couple of Australian artists to show their works.”

“Do it Den, if not for the work it would be an awesome holiday for you.” He stood up and walked over to an old garden area which was bare and seemed to be looking at something. I followed him and put my hand on his shoulder and everything seemed to go so quiet and still, the air was sucked out of the area.

“I won’t go Evan; we would miss you too much.” He turned to face me then leaned in and kissed my lips, not quickly but softly and it took me by surprise. I had dreamed of doing this with him and now he’s finally made the move, I froze.

By the time I found my wits he was over by the open driveway gate saying goodbye.

I went into straight mode and gave him a man hug but I wanted to kiss him so badly, to feel his warm lips again; why the fuck did I not do that?

“I will ring you.” He smiled and that’s when I saw his tears. My hand moved to stroke his face but he moved away.

“Don’t Den.” He looked at me then without another word he walked out.

I actually cried myself to sleep because at that very moment I knew I had deep loving feelings for him and not in a friend sort of way, it felt more like I really, deeply loved him. He didn’t have to run off, I wasn’t going to resist, it’s been so long since a warm body has touched mine and more and more I knew it was Evan’s body I wanted doing it.

In the weeks to come I had again cried my heart out because I was now so lonely. I painted relentlessly and ran with Ayden in the mornings. Sometimes I ran at night when a cuddly kid was in the mood to be rocked to sleep. I talked on and off to Tony about London and we decided I didn’t need to be there but it would be helpful. His friend had seen some of my work so I decided I may as well go for just two weeks. I hadn’t heard from Evan in all that time and my stomach lurched every time my phone rang, but it was never him. I tried to ring but got no answer so I rang his accounts manager who was looking after our investments and he told me that Evan had moved over to London. My heart sank and I panicked my way through the day. By now I was so desperate to hear his voice.

Eleven o’clock one night not long after that phone call, my phone rang. I was still awake and was sick with worry.

“Den, it’s Evan.” My heart skipped a beat just hearing his voice again.

“Why?” I almost shouted down the phone.

“What?”

“Why would you do this to me Evan, why?” I could feel my tears instantly running down my face.

“I was transferred to our London branch, I had no option Den.”

“Were you transferred there or did you ask to be shifted?” I had a gut feeling he was lying and after some moments he sighed.

“I asked for it Den, I didn’t want to, Melbourne had become virtually impossible for me.”

“You don’t love us anymore, you had to move to a foreign country as far as you could go not to be near us again, am I right?” Another silent moment.

“Yes Den, I had to remove myself from you and Ayden’s lives, you need to grow and move on with your lives and so do I.”

“I miss you so fucking much Evan, you’ve got no idea the hell I’m going through here; Evan I love you.”

“Den, I have to tell you and I am sorry if it offends you but I’ve loved you since the first time I met you, but my love for you is different than yours for me. Mine always hurts me; it hurts me so badly every time I’m around you. I do miss you both so fucking much but it has become impossible to be around you anymore and I can’t keep putting myself in that position.”

“Please come home, I beg you Evan, we can talk, there’s nothing in this world I want more than to be with you.”

“No Den, there’s nothing to talk about. I have to go, they are calling me to a meeting, I just wanted to see if you are okay, that’s all.”

“The answer to that is no,” I replied then went on, “One question and I will get out of your life.”

“Sure.”

“If I told you I really loved you with all my heart, would you come home to us?”

“No Den, I’ve moved on and you don’t really mean that, goodbye Den, I’ll call again at a better time.” He left me hanging for a long time before my sobbing started again. I hugged myself feeling like I was the loneliest man on the planet. The pain I felt was just as bad as losing Carol because I felt I had lost Evan the same way. Just pulled from my life, in one phone call.

I was still feeling really down the following week when the packers had arrived to transport my works to London. I had done something awful and included, ‘Ayden’s Eyes,’ in the shipment; that painting was featuring on the cover of the gallery brochure. I didn’t want to look into them anymore because every time I did, I saw Evan’s eyes looking back at me. I had replaced it with a portrait of Ayden in his jump suit surrounded by his toys, but his eyes still stared at me, my life is one big nightmare. He didn’t ring again and I was so mad at him I didn’t bother to ring him back at all. Hopefully in London I can convince him to come home to Ayden and me.

I called Susan to let her know I would be in town and she was more than happy to come and babysit Ayden while we were there. She told me she had caught up with Evan a few times and had introduced him to some of her gay friends. My heart thumped through the conversation but I didn’t reveal my true feelings to her.

“He’s really very low Den and misses you both so badly.”

“Please Sue, I don’t want to talk about him, please.” He left us and I can’t beg him to come back, he has to want to be with us both.

“Well at some stage you are going to have to talk, I just wish you would forgive him.”

“What’s to forgive, it was his decision to leave us without a word? Our lives must go on and Sue, I don’t want to see him when I get there, just you.”

“Okay Den just me, you call me when you get to the hotel then, I can’t wait to see you and little Ayden again,” she squealed down the phone.

We finished our call on a high and I wished I wasn’t so fucking reliant on people.

She told me her Australian boyfriend Patrick had followed her back home and they were talking about getting engaged. I was happy for her as she deserves all the happiness she can get especially after what she did for me; it must have been so hard for her too.

I carried Ayden onto the plane and the hostess showed us to our seats and gave me some instructions on how to safely secure his carry case so he could sleep the flight away. Also, I had plenty of pads and pencils in my hand luggage to occupy my time. He is sitting up now and even though it’s too early for him, he has been attempting to roll across the floor. My kid is very intelligent and will be crawling in no time I think.

I slept off and on and my baby travelled beautifully. At one stage the hostess fed him and to thank her for that, he squished up his red face then beamed out another great smile and a loud fart, then I had to change him. I watched movies, drew pictures and ached to see Evan again. My emotions were up and down, up and down, love, madness and dread, plus disappointment, all of that. We landed in Dubai and after a three-hour stretch your legs wait, we took off for London. It’s a long flight from Melbourne; I envied all the people who live in the UK because it seems that everything is just a stones throw away for them.

Thank god I’d booked a hotel transfer for us. Heathrow was a nightmare and there were thousands of people everywhere. Our hotel was small but very nice and I had picked this one because Tony said it was the closest to the gallery. We were made to feel most welcome and Ayden won a few hearts along the way. When I had settled in I sat and stared at my phone then my heart sank when I thought he would never ring me again. Forgive him? Susan said I had to forgive him. What for, him leaving us or him being in love with me maybe, the kiss? I had wanted more of them, what’s to forgive? I made a coffee and checked out Ayden’s nappy and the butterflies that had returned to my stomach were again a constant, awful ache, but I just have to deal with it the best I can. Shaking the gloom off I turned the TV on, then promptly went to sleep on the couch with my son in his basket on the floor beside me. When I woke up he was sitting up singing his feed me song, it’s a shame he was out of tune. I fed him again then I put us both to bed.

Susan arrived the next morning full of hugs and kisses for us both and immediately went into nanny mode playing with Ayden. She was amazed he had learnt so many new things while she was away and the fact he didn’t seem to have forgotten her was a wonderful bonus.

We had a great catch up and she filled me in on what had happened when she got back. They are still coming to Australia to backpack around the country and this time she will have a ring on her finger. I made a mental note to look for a little camper van for them when I got back home. I went over the Gallery schedule with her and said I was flexible with times and really didn’t have to be there every night. Once the initial rush was over I could take time off to see a little of London and fit in with her other work.

“It’s all pretty central Den and you are in the best place to see much of it just walking around this area. Have you got a stroller because I can borrow one?”

“I thought I would just hire one, the hotel has a couple for rent.”

“Okay if you’re sure then, I will take him out for some fresh air when I’m here. Hyde Park is just across the road so we can go there.”

“Sure Sue, I’m forever indebted to you and thank you, yet words don’t seem enough.”

“Den It was my pleasure to look after Ayden and you, it’s a memory I will cherish for the rest of my life meeting you all. On a deeper note, are you sure you won’t catch up with Evan while you’re here?”

“I don’t know Sue, it was his choice to move here and I have to let him choose whether he comes back to Australia or not. He’s not happy there and he’s not happy here I should imagine.”

“Well I did introduce him to some gay friends of mine. I thought they would show him the night life of London but when I checked with them he hadn’t called so I’m at a loss as to what to do. We have talked quite a few times and I know he’s extremely homesick.”

“Something drove him to come here, I know he loves me and have known for awhile but there’s something else and it gnaws away at me because I feel I should know what it is.”

“Well I suggest you ring him. I know all he does is sit at home and stare at the walls when he’s not working, even if it’s an invitation to come see Ayden Den.”

“I’ll think about it.” I was over thinking about it, if he doesn’t want to see me then that’s okay but Ayden doesn’t deserve to be ignored. No I retract that, it’s not okay that he doesn’t want to see me, I’m really pissed off with him but I ache to see him again.

I was helping the guys to unpack the paintings and the gallery was coming alive with vibrant colors. Spence will set the lighting after everything is placed where it should be but one painting in particular I wanted to light myself. Tony arrived and started placing some of his furniture around the very large gallery. His art is immaculate and not cheap, he mostly brought frames, candleholders, hallway tables and smaller stuff but it was unreal art. He also had a large samples book to display his larger items in photographic form.

“Have you phoned him Den?”

“Who mate?”

“Evan, have you caught up with him yet?”

“No mate, I don’t have an address and his old phone number is disconnected.” I lied because I didn’t want Tony to know about the last time I talked with Evan and I was so mad at him still, but at the same time excited that maybe I will see him just once more.

“Well I was hoping he would see we were having a showing in the news and rock up, don’t worry Den there’s plenty of time yet.” He put his arm over my shoulder just to let me know he’s on my side. I felt really awful but I just don’t want Tony involved. I hung around for another hour or two then said my good evenings before walking back to the hotel, taking my time to soak up the atmosphere.

“How is he going?” I asked and kissed Sue’s cheek.

“He’s just gone off to sleep, he missed you, I could tell because his eyes were watching the door for your return. Den he’s so beautiful, I hadn’t realized how much I had missed you both until today, it’s so good you are here.” She kissed me again.

“Coffee Den?”

“Yes please Sue.” Maybe it was because I looked depressed or maybe she picked up on my mood, I really don’t know but she knew what was on my mind.

“So do you have his address?”

“No, he didn’t tell me.”

“Well I can help you with that.”

“It’s okay Sue, he would have to know I’m in town by now, he might come to the gallery one night.”

“And you miss him?”

“More than you know Sue, he’s my family, my friend, my life feels so empty now, I miss him so fucking much.”

“Are you in love with him?” I kept quiet because I didn’t want to say those words, not out loud but thousands of times I have said them to myself, I just know that awful ache in my stomach is there because of him.

“I can’t answer Susan; I don’t know whether I’m capable of loving him the way he would want me to. I just don’t want to be a disappointment to him that’s all, I mean in my heart I love him, the gay thing is tearing me apart though.”

“Don’t you think you should try Den, even I can see without you saying anything that you totally adore him and I know he loves you and Ayden so deeply. Gay is just a label Den, it doesn’t define who you are, love does and it doesn’t matter who you love as long as it’s deep and true, like Evan feels for you.”

“How do you know that?”

“I’m not going to repeat any confidences Den, Evan and I talked a lot when I was Ayden’s nanny. He had put himself in an impossible situation, especially for him; he’s so sensitive and also so afraid of getting hurt. I suppose he thought coming to London would remove some of the ache in his heart but I think it got worse. It would have been agonising for him to do; his life is with you and Ayden in Melbourne not this cold old city. I suppose he’s doing what he thinks is best for you but I’m not convinced it’s really the best for him, or you for that matter.” She left it at that then kissed us both good night and left to go have dinner with her man.

I tossed and turned all night and Ayden had me up twice but finally settled when I put him in with me. I felt so drained by the morning and there was one thing I couldn’t get off my mind. I loved him but I just don’t want to get to the stage where I can’t turn around or walk away from him if I found the gay life isn’t for me. I just couldn’t hurt him like that. But on the other hand, I had decided the gay life is not the way I should be looking at my relationship with Evan. We are two men in love and I certainly want us to have a relationship.

I don’t know where the gay thing fits. I paint; he’s a lawyer, we are just people living together bringing up a kid, paying our taxes and bills, buying food. The gay thing might mean what we do in bed but I’m sure when and if Evan and I make gay love, it will be awesome and important, but a small part of our lives. Who am I kidding? I will insist he gives me head every morning, it’s all I think about. No more headaches, periods or excuses, just full on anywhere and everywhere gay sex. Maybe that’s what gay means?

I spent the morning taking Ayden for a long walk and I pointed out all the buildings I recognised; like Kensington and Buckingham palaces, but he was more interested in sleeping, he had a big night too. I thought more on the situation with Evan and thought, when in doubt, ask the questions. Am I attracted to him? Yes. Do I think I could have a relationship with him? Yes. Sex? Yes. I come up trumps every time and with every question and couldn’t find one negative. I knew I wanted to be with him but I wanted to only be with him in our home in Melbourne.

There was an, ‘under offer,’ sign on my painting of Ayden’s eyes when I arrived at the gallery. I froze because the gallery hadn’t even opened the showing yet. I just stood there and stared into those gorgeous blue eyes thinking, how could I do this to my son? Some stranger will now own it and won’t even know the story behind those big azure eyes.

Spencer steered me to his office and made a coffee.

“I see you noticed the under offer sign Den.” I rubbed my eyes.

“Yes Spence, it just shocked me that’s all. I was in two minds whether to take it off the wall. As you can see it’s going to be hard for me to part with it, it means so much to me.”

“Okay, well the buyer has offered a good deal of money for that painting, he saw it in your catalogue and wants it sight unseen.” He slipped a piece of notepad over with the buyer’s offer written on it. I had to focus and look twice, there is no way that painting would pull in that sort of cash, it was a small king’s ransom in the art world.

“Who is the buyer Spence?” I had my suspicions but wasn’t completely sure.

“He wants to remain anonymous Den; all I have is his lawyer’s number.”

“Can I think about it for a day or two?”

“Of course you can, but this offer is staggering Den, if this is the sort of price you get for the others or even half this, your show is going to break this galleries’ records.”

“We’ve got opening night tonight Spence, do you think the buyer will turn up?”

“He might Den; do you want me to take it down?”

“No leave it there Spence, has Tony had any pre sales yet?”

“He’s going to do well Den and has already got three orders, he’s really a great artist. I didn’t think he will go home empty handed.” He smiled and I drank the rest of my coffee.

I was still reeling about the offer for, ‘Ayden’s Eyes,’ and I prayed to god my gut feeling was right. I kept looking at them and each time they showed a different shape. I thought I had seen tears brimming under the new lighting but it was just the lights and angles that were doing it. There was something I was missing and I felt it was really important but I just couldn’t see it at the time.

Spencer had a small apartment attached to the gallery where Tony, he and I showered and changed into our suits. I dried myself running the towel over my slightly hairy legs and chest, my hair was very short and I left the three-day growth because it suited my dark green eyes. My Italian heritage has given me a Latin kind of look; dark hair, olive skin and the running was helping with my body which was in good shape. My slim waist was my pride and joy and so were my ample man bits. I wondered if I was enough for Evan; he’s so much more beautiful than me, his golden hair and skin outshone anything I could offer him. Would I be enough for him? I don’t know, maybe he wasn’t joking when he described his perfect man to me at home, that night before he left.

“You look so fucking awesome Den, we have to get some photos taken.” This coming from Tony was a nice compliment but I already had decided he looked a lot better than me. I had fought off the boner that had appeared in the bathroom but I think Tony has brought it back, there’s something about a man in a suit, fuck, now I’m thinking gay, I think?

The champagne and nibbles were passed around and buyers came in their droves. It was standing room only as we were introduced to some very important people. There was a crowd around, ‘Ayden’s Eyes,’ and I prayed that the buyer would turn up so I could tell him about the painting. I kept my eye on the door waiting for that one person I wanted to walk through it, but he didn’t come and I fought back tears every time I thought of him.

“We have just had another offer on, ‘Ayden’s Eyes,’ Den, not as good as the first but pretty bloody close.” Spence held my elbow.

“Are you all right Den?”

I looked over at the painting again and those eyes smiled at me. I don’t know where it came from but it hit me like a ton of bricks. How could I ever sell my son’s beautiful eyes? I had suddenly had an overwhelming feeling of dreadful loss; I turned to Spence and said softly, “It’s not for sale.” The look on his face was both shock and bewilderment.

“You’re joking of course.”

“No, it’s not for sale. I’m withdrawing it from the gallery.” I was never so sure in my life that the painting will be coming home with me. If I sold it I would lose something that I totally needed in my life, and somehow deep down I just knew it.

“It’s not a good time to pull my leg Den, tell me what’s happening?”

“I can’t sell it and shouldn’t have brought it here in the first place. It’s off the market. I’m sorry Spence I can’t do it; I have to keep something of my son.” I looked into his eyes and he saw my tears.

“Come on Den, let’s go to my office.”

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